Thanks, everyone!

Anita – I’m sure that the argument on Friday was compounded by the anxiety I had been feeling the past week. It was a pretty long conversation, so I’ll try to include everything I can remember in case it is relevant:

As I said, we had seen each other Tuesday, but had no plans for the weekend. I had told him that I would be out of town Saturday, so I was hoping that he would make plans for Friday night. We had been texting back and forth all day Friday. He had not asked to see me, so I made plans with friends. Finally, I  asked him what he was doing that night. He told me that he was getting dinner with some friends then grabbing some drinks (I have met his friends multiple times and had gone out with them before). I felt hurt that he didn’t invite me and that he was not prioritizing spending time with me, so I sent him a passive aggressive text (I know that was a bad idea). It read: “Ok, have a good night. Bye.”

He called me and asked me what was wrong. I told him that I was really hoping to see him that weekend, and that I was disappointed that he did not make plans. He responded that he didn’t know that I wanted to see him that night, and asked me if I wanted to go with him to dinner. I said that I already had plans, so he said something like, “then why are you even mad?” He told me that he didn’t think that it was a big deal that he was going out with his friends and that he had assumed that he would see me at some point that weekend. I told him that it would have been nice if he had tried to make plans with me, and that it made me nervous when I didn’t know when we would see each other again. He said that he thinks that I am taking out my past relationship on him (I previously told him that I had been ghosted by a man I had dated for a year). He then told me that I was stressing him out and that he should not be stressed this early in a relationship. I apologized for the passive aggressive text, but he seemed very irritated. I asked him if he still wanted to see me, and he said that he wasn’t sure and that he was going to think about it.

Sunday when he called me he still sounded irritated. He simply said, “I can’t do this.” I said, “I really care about you. Are you sure you don’t want to talk about things and give it another chance?” That’s when he said that he just wasn’t ready for something serious at all. I said “I understand. I had fun with you and I’ll miss you.” He said “I know.” That’s how we left it.

Thanks, Anita. I don’t think that I  communicated that I did not want to see him again. We had a pattern of seeing each other 2-3 times a week, and almost always had plans at least one day out of the weekend. Whenever he would ask me out, I almost always said yes (and if not, I would offer another day that worked for me).

When we first starting dating, he would ask a few days in advance for a date. The past few weeks, though, he started asking last minute. This made me feel anxious and I never knew when we would see each other again. I probably should have communicated that to him.

I think that you have a valid point regarding trying to play it “cool” at the beginning of relationships. I don’t want to come off as too needy, so if something bothers me I kind of bottle it up until something (seemingly) small sets me off. On one hand, I can see how this can be confusing. However, I can’t help but think that my gut was telling me something and when he did not make plans to see me Friday it really went off. I felt as though he had lost interest, and his tone with me Sunday kind of affirmed that. He did not seem sad to end things at all. He almost sounded annoyed that he even had to call me.

Of course, now my mind is in overdrive trying to figure our how to “fix” this, even though I know he is done. I want to text him so badly today, but deep down I know that would not help anything.

I’m sure you’re right, and I will refrain from reaching out to him.

I can’t help but get discouraged, though. I have been dating consistently for years (after a long term relationship ended), and I feel like I keep driving men away. Everything always starts so great in the beginning, but then I feel like I do something to mess it up. I’ve tried to learn from my mistakes, but it seems that I just keep repeating them. I’m exhausted.

Thanks for the new replies. Its been a few weeks and I’m still really upset. I keep ruminating on all of the things I should have done differently to “keep” him. Any advice on that?

Mark – There have only been two cases where I was given an explanation for the man leaving. The other times they’ve “ghosted” me, or I decided to end things. For these two times, however, it was because I let my emotions get the best of me. As someone said on page 1, I tend to act cool at first, then kind of “blow up” with emotion. I’m usually attracted to very laid back, outgoing and charismatic guys. I’m the opposite of that.