Is he jealous or am I paranoid?

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This topic has 3 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 6 months ago by Inky.

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June 7, 2019 at 4:01 pm #297907

Kialani
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So, there is this guy and he is my best friend, we’ve been through so much together but lately he has started being weird.

In the last couple of months he has started to change the subject if I just mention another guy, even if this guy is just an actor. If I mention an actor that he knows I like he will laugh it off and change the subject quickly or if its by text I will get an lol or a haha and that is it, which is unlike him as he rarely does the one word text etc or he will completely ignore what I said and talk about something else entirely. This could just be his way of dealing with my complete weirdness though in fairness.

Except, the weirdness has gotten worse this weekend! I told him that one of my best male friends (we grew up together) was coming to stay for the weekend and he knows all about this guy, knows we are friends. I didn’t leave him out, I invited him out with us but he said he was away this weekend so I didn’t push it. However, when I was with my other mate at the cinema I get a text from this guy saying how he would talk to me Monday (when he usually talks to me every day about everything and he knew I would find this suspicious) then said he was turning his phone off now (never does that) and I should have a nice weekend (he knows my friend is staying with me for the weekend).

I don’t really understand what’s wrong as I haven’t done anything, it isn’t like I left him out or anything and our friendship is usually pretty strong. I have confessed to him I had feelings for him in the past but he wasn’t so interested as he doesn’t do relationships and we moved past it (although I do still like him) but now this seems to be going on and it is confusing me.

Maybe I am just reading into something that isn’t there but it is so out of character for him that I am concerned something is wrong that he isn’t telling me. What do you think? Am I just being paranoid?

June 8, 2019 at 6:09 am #297957

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Kialani:

I think he is jealous. I didn’t pay attention to the part in your previous thread where you wrote: “he started to complain how I had friend zoned him”- I don’t do Facebook so I didn’t pay attention to that. You wrote in that post: “it’s like he wants it his way but is happy to keep me clinging on to hope, just in case he changes his mind,,, he sends such confusing messages”- this may be true.

He doesn’t want to have a romantic relationship with you (or with any woman at all), but doesn’t want you to have a relationship either. He is not honest with you in this regard, so he gives you confusing messages, the messages you described in this thread and the messages you mentioned in the quote above from your previous thread.

This kind of confusing messages may be cute for a while, but it is not a good lifetime plan, for you and him to be best friends while neither has a relationship with anyone else or with each other, not if you want to have one in your life.

anita

June 8, 2019 at 6:38 am #297963
JayJay
Participant
Hi Kialani,

I would call his bluff. Switch your own phone off. Have a great time with your friend. When he calls on Monday, you can tell him what a great time you had. Don’t rub it in, but let him know you have other friends and your own life.

It sounds to me like this friend of yours wants to be your ‘exclusive’ best friend to the exclusion of everyone else… and that he is trying to get you into a situation where you only have him as a friend. I came across this some years ago with a long time male friend of mine. If he couldn’t have me to himself, he would sulk… for example, once he called at my place for a few hours, and another friend turned up unexpectedly. So he just sulked and didn’t say much. It was very obvious that he thought he had exclusive rights over who came to my house and that when he came, I should be shutting the door on anyone else! Well, I just ignored him. Tried to draw him into the conversation and he just carried on sulking. So perhaps it’s just as well this friend of yours isn’t joining you.

I wouldn’t say it was jealousy, it sounds more like possessiveness to me.

Unless of course, he now wants more than friendship, and that would explain the weirdness!

I have confessed to him I had feelings for him in the past but he wasn’t so interested as he doesn’t do relationships and we moved past it (although I do still like him) but now this seems to be going on and it is confusing me.

I think you may have moved past those feelings, but I’m not so sure he has! His recent change of behaviour might actually point to the fact that he is developing feelings for you. In which case, it might indeed be jealousy. There’s only one way to find out, and that’s to ask him. But do you really want to be in a one-to-one exclusive relationship with a guy who is showing these possessive traits? If he truly ‘doesn’t do’ relationships, then where does the friendship go from here?

ETA: my post crossed with Anita’s above. And I agree with what she says about this. I didn’t know you’d posted before on this subject!
- This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by JayJay.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by JayJay.
June 8, 2019 at 8:31 am #297983

Inky
Participant

Hi Kialani,

It could be a mix of both possessiveness and jealousy.

I had this with a guy friend and it was SO annoying! Several years ago I was following Marc Sisson who was/is a Paleo influencer. When my friend saw I was losing weight/looking better/being healthy AND I mentioned, “Oh, I’m following The Primal Blueprint by Marc Sisson” he flipped a $#!@… but after and only starting with the name Marc Sisson.

He ranted about how his family was always healthy growing up, nutrition, food eating, fads, etc., etc., etc. I know my friend. If I simply looked good he would never ever mention it. But as soon as some other guy has an influence on my life forget about it.

The best you can do is cut him off and mention as many other guys as you can. He needs to get used to the fact that he’s not the only game in town, and that your world is EXPAAANSIIIVE.

Best,

Inky
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