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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • April 13, 2019 at 10:27 am #288947
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear cj:

    You owe your biological parents and sister… nothing at all.

    If you owed your adoptive parents anything at all, you paid your debt in full: “both of them had multiple health problems which led to me becoming a caregiver throughout their lives”.

    Your adoptive parents didn’t do a great job parenting you and now you are attending therapy to heal best you can from what lacked in their parenting of you. It is a bad idea that you will now burden yourself with genetic mother and other genetic relatives who are strangers, really.

    Nothing wrong with helping strangers, if the help you give doesn’t harm you. I suppose you can join a program to help the homeless, a program that will call for you donating your time and maybe the cost of a few meals, but not one of your kidneys! And such volunteer work will not include a start up donation of $400 or a resuming of your life as a caregiver.

    No, you don’t owe them anything. Besides, why help people who not having met you yet, are already exacting a price for a meeting, your money, your kidney and your services, reads like they see you as an opportunity to benefit themselves. It is not rude to not accommodate them, it is not rude to say: no, I do not wish to be taken advantage of.

    anita

    April 13, 2019 at 11:25 am #288953
    Mark
    Participant

    What Anita said.

    This is what is called setting boundaries

    Best keep them out of your life from now on.

    They are toxic.

    Mark

    April 15, 2019 at 10:11 am #289129
    cj
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for bring such clarity in your response.I wholly agree with everything mentioned and I intend to begin setting strict boundaries starting now.I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

    cj

    April 15, 2019 at 10:22 am #289133
    cj
    Participant

    Dear Mark,

    thank you for  sharing your  advice on the situation and I agree that it is best that we not have a relationship.

    I’m learning  all  about self love and boundaries.

    much thanks,

    cj

    April 15, 2019 at 10:26 am #289137
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are very welcome, cj. Post again if you want, anytime.

    anita

    April 17, 2019 at 1:30 pm #289481
    JayJay
    Participant

    Dear CJ,

    Is it absolutely and for sure you have found your birth mother, because I’ve read of several cases where the DNA results alone could only point to first and second cousins… and only from there, these people found their genetic parents. Have you double checked with a different company?

    Even if this is 100% certain, I also think that what Anita and Mark have said is absolutely right. They have no claim on you, and it sounds like they are simply trying to use you. I’ve never heard the like! Frankly, I wouldn’t give people who wanted from you what they seem to want from you a moment more of my time. You would only dig yourself into a deeper hole if you tried to give them an explanation, because then you open up more lines of communication with them, which would lead to further harassment and persuasion. I think you were right to ghost them, and in your position I would have done exactly the same thing.

    I have also been a carer for both of my parents in the past. It leaves a big gap in your life when they are gone, or someone else has to care for them because you can no longer do the job, as happened to me. For a long time, your adoptive parents took your life away from you and you had to live theirs, whether out of a sense of duty or simply because that was the way it had to be.

    You are free now to live your own life. It takes some time to get out of that role of caregiving. And you deserve a life!

    Don’t be seduced back into that role for one moment with this ‘newly found’ family. Like Anita and Mark have said, they are not only opportunists, but toxic. Decent people wouldn’t ask that of anyone! You say there is something there that is making you feel uncomfortable, listen to that inner voice. It’s your inbuilt intuition and gut instinct for avoiding danger that is telling you there is something wrong there.

    Give yourself permission to live your own life – love your immediate family – your children, your husband –  go out, make friends, go to social events, join a club, take up a new hobby. Live your life for yourself now.

    with best wishes

    Jay

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