Dear Kshiti1502

I am always amazed how we human beings give more weight & validity to some thoughts over others even when intellectually we know that they are not true or even helpful/relevant. The quicker we discern that we have fallen or in danger of falling into that particular rumination rabbit hole the better. Saying phrases like “Is that So?” or “That was then this is now”  can disrupt the line of thought process and then it gives you the option of do you  really wish to pick up that train of thought and run with it? Of course you may have to repeat this process a hundred times or more but each time you do,you are to congratulate yourself that you had awareness and slowly but surely you will gain control over where & what you want to place your mind on.

Kind regards

Roberta

Dear Kshiti:

You wrote about the moment your scholarship application process was stopped: “I think my emotional state at that moment has left such imprints that they still affect me, making me ruminate over them even though my reality is different“.

The reality of your scholarship application changed, as it was processed and approved, but let’s look at what parts of your reality did not change (I am adding the boldface feature to the following quote): “I had already faced some serious challenges in the past three years, including a chronic spine disease that kept me crippled for a year and resurfaced again in 2021, conflicts with family members especially my dad, a toxic relationship“-

– First, it saddens me that instead of your father having empathy and compassion for you for having a chronic spine disease- he’s been giving you difficult time on top of difficult time!

Second, I assume that your thoughts about your chronic spine disease and about your toxic relationship with your father included thoughts like “nothing ever gets better”, “there’s no point in looking for my wellbeing”, “I’m tired now”, and “this is so unfair”!

Third, your scholarship application was halted unexpectedly, and your previous thoughts resumed: “nothing ever gets better”, “there’s no point..”,  etc.

The Trauma behind your flashbacks is not the halting of your scholarship application, but what happened before.. and still. What you are suffering from now, seems to be Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), the trauma being your father’s toxic misbehavior toward you, and the chronic spine condition.

What you need to do now, seems to me, is what is recommended for people suffering from PTSD. You can do an online research on the matter, if you’d like, and let me know of your thoughts..?

anita

Dear Kshiti1502:

You are very welcome, and I am glad that you will be looking into online information PTSD.

“Here is the thing, I made significant recovery in my physical health by the end of 2022 and panic attacks also eased out by that time period“- recovery from severe anxiety is not a linear process, as in once recovered, always recovered. There is progress, relief, then something negative happens and there is regression, and healing needs to be resumed.

“personally think that if it’s related to the symptoms of PTSD, it is connected more with the scholarship issue”– I understand that the intrusive thoughts occurred following the scholarship issue, but .. do you think of a halting of a scholarship application process as a traumatic event, in objective terms?

anita

Dear kshiti1502:

You are welcome! I understand better why this event was traumatic for you, a big part of the reason is that it was, as you said, “entirely unfair“. I want to reply further Tues morning, when I am better focused (it is Mon afternoon here).

anita

Dear Kshiti:

(I am adding the boldface feature selectively to the quotes):”I get flashbacks of what I felt during that time, some examples are – ‘nothing ever gets better’ ‘there is no point of looking for my wellbeing’…  I began feeling that just when things started to become better, they went for worse. At this point my past baggage became really heavy  because I began to think that it’s pointless to keep hopes as all I got was traumatic setbacks again and again… It brought at the same time, an unbearable mix of emotions like despair, frustration, bitterness, hopelessness etc. I felt that no matter how much I tried, things would always get worse. I think because the situation was grave and had high stakes, it became traumatic”-

– Despair is the complete absence of hope, and Hope is the expectation or trust that something positive will happen in the future as a result of your efforts today. Here is a quote (from good reads) about despair: “Losing your life is not the worst thing that can happen. The worst thing is to lose your reason for living“.

To counter and defeat your personal despair, Kshiti, clarify to yourself what is your personal, chosen Reason for living, a purpose for living related to something you value most. And focus on that reason every day, state it for yourself when you wake up in the morning, when you go to sleep at night, and in-between. If you would like to share your thoughts about this, please do, and hopefully.. I can help you in the process of finding and choosing your own, personal Reason for living.

– Helplessness is the feeling and belief that you have no control over what is happening and what might happen next, that no matter what you do, you can’t prevent bad things from happening, so what’s the point.

It is true that we are all helpless in some situations and lots of people do find themselves in helpless situations such as wars, earthquakes or, on a smaller scale, financial bankruptcy.. or the loss of a scholarship. Here The Serenity Prayer can help (it definitely helps me). You can repeat it to yourself in the following words, or you can customize it to fit your religion or lack of religion, to English or another language: “god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference“.

This prayer/ focus is about adopting a calm state of mind, as calm as possible for you in regard to situations you truly cannot control, and to adopt a courageous state of mind in regard to situations you can control, at least in part, and then put this courage into action. You can think of courage as Strength in the face of Despair.

Here are a few quotes about courage (good reads): “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it’s the courage to continue that counts”, “It takes courage to grow up and become who you truly are”, “Courage is the most important of all virtues because without courage, you can’t practice any other virtue consistently”.

Back to your words, Kshiti: “It would have been so unfair… it shattered me because of the sheer unfairness.. the biggest challenge was that it was due to entirely unfair reasons!“-

– Here are a few quotes on Fairness aka Justice: “Nothing is to be preferred before justice”, “Win or lose, do it fairly”, and “Life is unfair. And it’s not fair that life is unfair”.

Kshiti, accept with as much calm as you can all that you truly (and sadly) cannot change, and focus on changing what you can: practice fairness and justice in your choice of words and actions, and encourage others to do the same.

anita