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Insight on my past relationship

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  • This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years ago by Mark.
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  • April 4, 2019 at 8:11 am #287543
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Alex

    My friends told me it wasn’t my fault because I was just trying to help him

    I hope you don’t mind me pushing back a little. Were you trying to help him or change him? Ultimatums and such tend to point to issues of control not so much as support?

    April 4, 2019 at 8:23 am #287545
    Alex
    Participant

    Hi Peter,

    Your name spooked me a little. I was trying to help him but at some point I felt like I was trying to change him since he did not want to do it. I really thought since he had so much time now it would be really nice to get it out of the way (GED thing). My friend who gave me the advice on this said that it will push him to get the certification out of the way but then it backfired and led to the breakup. At the time I didn’t really think smartly about it, and now I regret having done so. I just really thought the certification was something that would be beneficial and given how early it can be taken, getting it out of the way would be helpful in the long run.

     

    April 4, 2019 at 9:24 am #287555
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Alex:

    I think that ultimatums of the kind you gave him, threatening the ending of a relationship, should be limited to abuse, as in: if you don’t enroll in an anger class, I will leave you. Or: if you call me names one more time, I will leave you.

    Having given him an ultimatum about taking GED wasn’t fair. If I was in his shoes, I will be thinking  that you are trying to control me, that I have to get your permission from now on for all my personal choices, otherwise you will leave me.

    anita

     

    April 4, 2019 at 9:27 am #287559
    Alex
    Participant

    I just thought it was something important because it’s good for his future because he will always have a plan B.. I never intended to do harm or control him 🙁

    April 4, 2019 at 9:39 am #287567
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Alex:

    I  understand your motivation but it still was a mistake. It was your right to end the relationship for any reason, including his choice to not do the GED. But it is not a good practice to give ultimatums to a boyfriend/ husband when you are displeased with their choices. Imagine a boyfriend giving you an ultimatum, for example: if you don’t walk on the treadmill an hour per day, I will leave you. It doesn’t matter that it is healthy to walk every day, but you don’t want to be controlled this way.

    Learn from this mistake and reserve your ultimatums to serious things.

    We all make mistakes, at any age. You are only 19. Give yourself the permission to make mistakes and learn to not repeat/ to function better in relationships and otherwise.

    anita

    April 4, 2019 at 9:47 am #287569
    Mark
    Participant

    Alex,

    The way of giving advice is asking if they want it first. If they don’t then drop it. Even though you may think you “know better”, it is up to each of us to take responsibility of our own lives.  You are not his mother. This is how we all learn for ourselves.

    Good for you for wanting to learn from your experience.

    Mark

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