Dear Gabriella:

I read your other two threads, same relationship, starting August 2014.

You had this dream, for a long time, that you, him and your son will be one small happy family. At first he wanted no part of it. Gradually, over time, your dream came true and the three of you were living together, the family you wanted.

Only there was the other woman, a third one… prostitutes he was texting.

And perhaps things got better in this regard. You didn’t mention other women on this thread.

Thing is, your dream… your dream is hurting your son because, as you wrote, your son is witnessing the fights between you and his father. And you wrote that he is not consistent with his son as well, kind and loving at times, controlling (rigid, demanding, critical) at other times.

The dream you had, time to let it go. Your boyfriend, your son’s father, he is a troubled man. His anxiety is what is driving him to want things to be certain ways. Lots of things bother him, triggering him, disturbing him and he passes on his distress to you and to your son (instead of being in thoughtful self control, choosing what to say and do when he feel distressed).

So your choice is between one small unhappy family and a single life as a single mother. You don’t have the option of a happy family with this man.

Attending the psychotherapy you did was an opportunity for him to gain some insight and aim at and then practice that thoughtful self control I mentioned. But that didn’t happen.

Time to give up the dream and live separately from this man, allow him to parent your son when he is in good state of mind, preventing him access when he is distressed, allowing him therefore selective access to your son. Make your home with your son free of fighting, free of aggression. There is nothing more important to a child than a safe home.

anita