Indecision eating me alive

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This topic has 6 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 4 months ago by Mermaid.

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August 14, 2014 at 3:43 am #63351

Mermaid
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Hi all,

I posted a few weeks ago about doubt surrounding my relationship. I just don’t know what to do…I don’t know if anyone else has experienced the feeling of waking up feeling heavy and not recognizing yourself anymore?…My problem is I don’t know if it’s the relationship making me unhappy or other factors. I love my boyfriend but don’t know if I am IN LOVE. But I feel that because my brain is on super power and I am thinking and analyzing a llllll the time, I just can’t BE and let things flow. I feel so so lost and I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend and I have a complicated past and I moved to be with him in France but I just don’t feel grounded or myself. I don’t know how to be serene within and I just keep telling myself I need to end things in order to feel OK but I am not even sure that’s the solution. I have such tension in my head like it’s being squeezed in a vice or something and I know that is stress related. I know it’s all subjective etc but if anyone has any insights or tips I would so appreciate it….

August 14, 2014 at 3:57 am #63352

Inky
Participant

Hi Mermaid,

As a general rule, I don’t agree with moving in together.

Answer yourself this: If the BF weren’t around, would you still be living in France? Do you have other American friends here? Any people you get along with? A routine? Something that you look forward to everyday?

I think you love your BF, but when you’re In Love, you Know it.

I would move into my own place, explore and enjoy France, and have your BF as part of your life but not Your Life. Then, at the beginning of the New Year have an honest talk with yourself. At least you will have had your Great European Adventure!

August 14, 2014 at 8:24 am #63364

Kelly
Participant

Mermaid, call me cynical, but I think people get into trouble when they are expecting that “IN LOVE” (infatuation) feeling to last. Feelings ebb and flow in a relationship and it’s been my experience that you’re not going to see fireworks every time you kiss your partner until the end of time. That initial honeymoon phase is wonderful to experience, but once it passes your relationship can deepen into something really special, meaningful and lasting.

I read your other post and I agree with the responses there – you’ve experienced so much change recently that I think anyone would feel unsettled in your position. Allow time for the dust to settle. I think it’s easy when we are feeling down or not “serene within” to look outside ourselves for fixes. If I don’t feel right, maybe it’s because of my relationship, or my job, or my house, etc. But finding peace is an inside job. You haven’t shared any specifics about what gives you doubt in your relationship, so aside from recommending you keep open communication with your beau, my only thought is to focus on what makes YOU happy. Enjoy your hobbies, spend time with friends, find your place in your new world.

August 15, 2014 at 7:18 am #63432

apothic
Participant

Mermaid…you just described my life and relationship perfectly. I completely understand the feeling. I just moved in with my boyfriend two months ago and I have this heavy, almost depressed, feeling every single morning I wake up. I can’t exactly put my finger on why, but I hate it. I’ve struggled with the decision too. Is it just the fact that I gave up my home and moved into his territory (and all my belongings are in boxes) or am I with the wrong guy? One previous post noted that infatuation doesn’t last. I agree with that, but disagree that it should feel like I’ve been married 20 years immediately upon moving in with him. I’ve lived with other guys and this is NOT how it felt. I too analyze my relationship to death. I research things constantly and feel that it’s slowly driving me insane. (And here I am writing about it! LOL)

Being alone is no easy task either. I’m not sure if the pain and heaviness I feel now is worse or better than going through a break up, moving out, and starting over. If you find a solution, I’d love to hear about it! I wish you luck with your decision…it’s a tough one.

August 15, 2014 at 7:55 pm #63495

B
Participant

I randomly came across this thread after I searched for something on google, came across an article on this website, and this post was featured on the side of the article and I decided to look at it because the title is something I can definitely relate to right now.. and I decided to make an account on here and reply because I really relate to how you feel. I’m not indecisive about a relationship, but I’m indecisive about EVERYTHING pretty much and it’s driving me crazy! I can’t decide on the smallest things, and we have to make so many decisions everyday and I have a hard time deciding on anything and it’s just so overwhelming for me to make a decision, and once I do “decide” on something I dwell on it and worry that I didn’t make the right decision.. and I constantly have a tension headache which feels just as you described your headache. I know is partially the result of my indecisiveness because I stress myself out so much over making decisions.. and once I am not worried about making a decision or worried about anything else my tension headache goes away. But I pretty much have a constant tension headache since I’m pretty much worrying about something all of the time. I also hate how it’s impossible for me to just ‘go with the flow’, I desperately wish I could! I’m sorry I can’t give you any advice on your predicament with your relationship- but I just wanted to say that I can relate to you a lot about how you’re feeling right now.

August 15, 2014 at 9:54 pm #63497

Matt
Participant

Mermaid,

Consider asking your boyfriend to give you lots more gentle touching. Its normal to be afraid when we’ve uprooted, moved, because many questions and curiosities, fears and the like. Being in love is like a blossom, but how could it, if you don’t get a chance to relax? Like, how could you just smile and play if you’re scared and in your brain?

If he spends some time being nurturing, and not just verbal assurances, but gentle reaching, caressing, and so forth, perhaps you will get those sweet reminders you need to feel safe. From there, its easy to play again.

If he’s not interested or capable, I think inky’s advice is spot on. Establish yourself, tour the countryside, and so forth. With or without a partner, we need time to settle, be peaceful and play.

Also, if/when he does, make sure you save some of that playtime for just you. Like,if he does helps you relax, don’t just play with him. 🙂 Go explore the things you want to see and do, and if he wants to come too, fine! If not, fine!

With warmth,
Matt

August 16, 2014 at 2:02 am #63501

Mermaid
Participant

Thanks all for your posts! You’re all lovely people. You have spoken of things I have already thought and have encouraged me. I realize I am just not ready to live with someone, let alone HIM, even though I love him, right now I am rediscovering who I am aged 29, without christianity defining me any more and so the reason I am in such turmoil is I feel the need to be alone, but if I end it with my boyfriend, that will really be it, the end. For 6 years it was on and off because of distance and jobs and different countries and my faith etc and so this time it was to really commit and go for it…but I am just not serene within. I feel like there’s a monkey on my shoulder constantly throwing me doubts and questions and meaning I can’t just enjoy each moment.
However, I spoke to my boyfriend last night and I realize a change needs to be made. Even though it’s a financial risk because I don’t have a steady job etc I want a place of my own, my things, my bolt hole and he needs his space too, we are both super independent people and me also being an only child means we both need space. I feel in that way I will feel I have done everything to allow the relationship to blossom and work because I think each person needs to be happy first and the thing is that right now here I have stepped into his world and haven’t yet created mine which I love. I keep thinking “just go back home, go back to the UK” (i am english), because I am missing dear friends and family, but I am also not sure running away is the answer…But I also don’t want to keep pushing myself, you know being unhappy but forcing myself to stay. It’s all a bit of a muddle! But Apothic, I would say to you, create a life you love independent of your relationship, that’s what I am realizing is necessary because that’s the way a relationship will thrive. Also, it’s necessary to avoid any feelings of resentment…you know if it doesn’t work out or even day to day, it’s not healthy to be blaming the other person, after all we are responsible for our happiness and well-being…
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