Hi! I will try to keep this as short as I can.

THE CURRENT RELATIONSHIP:

I (28F) have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend (33M) for about 3 months. We are very compatible and both are empathetic, sensitive people looking for a long-term relationship leading to marriage and a family. We have known each other for many years as acquaintances and finally decided to date. We have shared interests and some similar life experiences. He is really nice to me and he makes me a priority in his life. He makes my family a priority (family is very important to me). We spend a lot of time together – almost every day. We are supportive of each other becoming the best versions of ourselves. We have said I love you and have both met each other’s families. He is much more passive and sensitive than men I am used to dating, but he treats me well. I care about him deeply and I want to be with him.

THE LAST RELATIONSHIP:

I was in a 7-year relationship with my ex (33M), living together for 6 years. For the last year or so of our relationship, I began to feel depressed, as I really wanted to get married and although he had said he eventually wanted to get married as well, he was not ready to take that step and wasn’t sure if/when he would ever be. Our relationship deteriorated with frequent fights about our differing levels of commitment and in July 2017 he broke up with me via text message and told me I had days to leave the shared homes I had lived in for 6 years (we had a city apartment and country cabin I had lived in for 6 years that both legally belonged to him). As a common-law partner, I had no property rights and I had to leave everything of the life I knew quite abruptly, except our dog, which I kept. Despite the arguing prior to the break-up, it was still shocking to me and to both our families.

My friends were for the most part glad we broke up – they said I had been depressed for a long time because he was not able to provide me with the level of commitment that I desired. They also felt that he did not make me as much of a priority as I made him and that he did not treat me as well as I treated him (he would name call, yell at me, and could be controlling). In hindsight, I agree that for at least a year I had felt very unappreciated, I made a lot of sacrifices for the relationship, and that he was not the right person for me because if he was then we would not have broken up. In addition to losing my home, I feel that I lost a part of myself in the relationship, losing some friends along the way as I (stupidly) prioritized the relationship I thought would last the rest of my life.

THE PROBLEM:

In the past few weeks, strong feelings of missing my old life have been coming up. I should mention that I had been volunteering in other parts of the world after the break up and have only been back in my hometown for two months, so there are definitely environmental and physical triggers for these feelings. FYI, I started dating my current partner while we were both overseas in the same country, and he returned a few weeks before I did.

I rationally know that my current guy treats me very well and on paper we are perfect together. I rationally know that my ex was not the right guy for me and had flaws (as everyone does). Although I rationally know both these things, I cannot stop the feelings of missing my old life from coming up. I believe part of this is missing qualities about my ex – for example, my ex was very confident in himself, assertive, charming, health-oriented and ambitious (but also stubborn and insensitive – I haven’t forgotten that the bad qualities exist). My current guy is very kind, but also quite passive, less ambitious than I am, cannot financially support himself, isn’t very into health and wellness, and can be extremely sensitive and moody. On the other hand, he treats me well and has the qualities that I did not have in my previous relationship (empathy, compassion, desire for serious commitment). I don’t know if I got so traumatized by the break up that I swung the opposite way completely or if I am just not used to being in a healthier relationship. I am a fairly passive and nurturing female that typically goes for a strong male to balance that (think typical supportive “beta” female with typical “alpha” male to protect and provide – I know these are very outdated terms, but I think most people will understand the general qualities I am talking about). I also know that a large part is me missing my old life in general – I miss my old home (currently living with my parents as I cannot afford rent here even with working full-time – I have not lived with them since I was 16 and it is a big blow to my self-esteem), I miss the feeling of being taken care of by my partner, I especially miss my old cabin where I had planned on moving for the rest of my life – it was an extremely private property where I grew all my vegetables and did a lot of hiking, meditating, swimming, etc. My happiest memories are there. I am having a really tough time letting go. I have communicated that I have feelings of grief coming up regarding my old life to my current partner and he is being sensitive towards this, but I am worried about the effect this will have on him, as he does not seem to have much self-confidence. I do love my current partner and I know to some extent these feelings are natural as I am being exposed to these physical reminders of my old life. I really do want to make things work and I am trying to be as open as possible while also working on myself.

I have tried to cope with this in the following ways:

-Eliminating alcohol and junk food from my diet for 3 months and focused on introducing healthy habits into my life. I did yoga and meditation for about 3 hours a day. I volunteered every day. I spent a lot of time with my family. I met new people and I tried new activities. I also went to counselling for CBT and EFT, and I was put on anti-depressants, as I became extremely depressed. I am still keeping up many of these healthy habits.

-Journaling about my feelings, writing down positive affirmations, writing a gratitude journal.

-Listing the reasons the past relationship failed and listing what I want in a new partner (qualities like empathy, patience, understanding – coincidentally, all qualities that my current partner has!).

-I waited a few months until dating again (only once I stopped feeling depressed and once I felt I had let go), and when I did I made sure that I saw people that shared values and life goals with me.

-I am trying to focus on pushing myself in a positive direction – taking courses, joining new activities, getting very healthy, talking and letting feelings out.

I am still struggling with moving forward. I want to mention that when I got into my current relationship I didn’t feel this way – I truly felt that I had moved on and these feelings have only come up in the past two weeks or so. I don’t want to give up on my current relationship. I am at a stage in my life where I am looking for someone compatible who is also looking for marriage and a family, as I am nearing 30 and I know I would like to settle down soon. I know that my past is holding me back and I don’t want it to take any more of my life than it already has. Please help me. What can I do that I am not already doing? How do I stop making these unhelpful comparisons and cultivate positive feelings? I would appreciate if the advice could be constructive rather than critical – I really am doing my best and am feeling so badly about this situation.