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In new relationship, feelings of old relationship coming up

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • January 24, 2018 at 10:07 am #188625
    Mark
    Participant

    Wow gypsygirl!  You really are doing all the right things to take care of yourself.  Quite impressive.

    So right now you are focusing on your past relationship and all that you enjoyed about it rather than being fully in the present with your new relationship and situation?

    Do you write about your current situation and boyfriend in your gratitude journal?

    I believe mindfulness does help in living our lives in general.  Being mindful that you are making unhelpful comparisons and then shifting into something more helpful such as focusing on the positive and releasing the comparison is one suggestion.

    Another suggestion is writing down and prioritizing the “must haves” versus “nice to haves” in partner.  It sounds like you are ambivalent about your boyfriend so having this list and stacking him against it might help you determine if he is the right guy for you.

    You mention about grieving for your past life.  You can do that and  there is no need to really share it with your boyfriend especially since it bothers him so much.  That is your past to let go, not his.

    You can fondly recall the good aspects of your past life without going back to it.  I assume that you are journaling/visioning on what you want for your future life so you can manifest those great things you had experienced from your last relationship.

    Again, keep focusing on the Present Moment rather than the Past, what you have rather than what was.  Know that envisioning your Future will help you stay out of the Past.

    Does that help?

    Mark

    January 24, 2018 at 10:49 am #188661
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear gypsygirl:

    You have been dating your boyfriend only a few months. He can’t financially support himself, you wrote. And you have immediate needs, it is my understanding: to move away from your parents’ home. Rents are too expensive.

    I think that you miss your past relationship because you are unhappy living with your parents, because you don’t see your boyfriend providing for you financially any time soon. You miss your ex boyfriend’s ability to provide you with a place to live.

    Your ex boyfriend yelled at you and called you names. Your current boyfriend is empathetic and kind to you. This to me means that the ex boyfriend would not be an option for me, if I was you. Long term, with the new boyfriend, I would consider making up for his passivity with my own strength, work together as a team and make it a strong team.

    Problem is the relationship is so new and your needs are immediate. Did I understand your situation correctly?

    anita

    January 24, 2018 at 11:22 am #188699
    gypsygirl
    Participant

    Thank you for your quick responses!

     

    Mark – those are all really helpful tips. I especially think that focusing on the future will help keep me out of the past. Thank you for your advice.

     

    Anita – the ex is definitely not an option, I do not want to go back to that relationship even though these feelings have been triggered. I don’t think it is only about a place to live, as I am trying my best to make do with the current situation. I think it is more that I feel I have to be the more decisive, assertive, less sensitive/emotional one and I am not comfortable “wearing the pants” in the relationship. I guess I am asking if there is a way for me to increase my comfort level with that or if there is a way to kindly encourage these traits in him or if there is something else you would suggest. Thank you for your feedback!

    January 24, 2018 at 11:49 am #188729
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear gypsygirl:

    You are welcome. In nature, in many animal species the males compete for the attention of females by showing off their physical strength. The female chooses the strongest so to pass on strong genes to her offspring and in so doing, increase their chances of survival.

    In modern human society there is way less importance to physical strength because of machinery and technology. Also, there is less interest in having children. Before women did not have the option of having a job, or the jobs available were lower paying. Nowadays a woman can have a job, and sometimes a higher pay.

    Maybe considering these things will help your comfort level with your boyfriend. Maybe not.

    Also, I referred to the appearance of strength because it is often an appearance, not true strength that people exhibit. Differentiate true strength from appearance of strength in you and in others, best you can.

    Try to see you and your boyfriend as a growing team, each of you strong and weak. Accept empathetically his weaknesses and promote strength in the team.

    Or end the relationship and seek the strength- or appearance of strength- elsewhere.

    I hope this is helpful. If not, maybe another member can suggest something more helpful to you.

    anita

    January 24, 2018 at 12:25 pm #188741
    gypsygirl
    Participant

    Anita, thank you for your advice. That is helpful to try and change my perspective, particularly with true strength vs. appearance of strength.

    January 25, 2018 at 3:31 am #188837
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear gypsygirl:

    You are welcome. Regarding the  appearance of strength vs true strength- your ex yelling  at  you, for  example, that  is an appearance  of strength, a raised voice. On the other hand, feeling distressed and treating you kindly, that is, not relieving one’s distress  by yelling is true strength.

    anita

     

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