Home→Forums→Tough Times→In Need of Advice.. Everything Has Fallen Apart
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Tee.
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February 8, 2021 at 10:39 am #374317
Anonymous
GuestDear John:
“I was afraid of failure and ending up like my father… I’ve never looked or felt more like my father. We both have ADHD and are very similar in some fundamental ways.. I feel like the spitting image of my father”.
“I really want to make a comeback. I want to fulfill my dream of getting into a good graduate school, of finding a job I like, and of living a worthy life that I feel I deserve“-
– All young children feel empathy for their parents, more for one of the two than for the other. It may be that you felt greater empathy for your father, and feeling that way, you didn’t and don’t feel that you deserve a better life than his.
When a child grows up with an unhappy parent, the child may feel that he can’t be happy unless his parent is happy first. Can this be true in your case?
anita
February 22, 2021 at 2:29 am #375062Tee
ParticipantDear John,
Your words show that you have a lot of self-awareness and insight, which is great! I think you’ve even defined the crux of the problem: your fear of becoming like your father, which sort of became a self-fulfilling prophecy for you. As you said it yourself, that fear drove you to do your best and excel at so many areas of your life.
What I’ve learned recently is that there are two types of motivation: one is to move away from something, and the other is to move towards something. It appears you were driven by the first kind, wanting to move away from the destiny that has befallen your father. But this kind of motivation can only take you so far, because it’s exhausting to be constantly running away from something. It’s much easier to run towards something that you want and desire. To be motivated by love, by an open heart, by expansiveness, rather than by fear and constriction.
Another important thing that I believe can help you is to stop judging yourself so harshly. You haven’t explicitly said it (and I am sorry if I am rushing with this assumption), but I have a feeling you’ve been pretty harsh on yourself, pushing yourself to be great at many things and to keep a high standard: to be a great boyfriend, friend, take care of yourself, eat healthy… simply, to be at the top your game. You’ve managed to do that for a while, but when you and your girlfriend broke up (for which you’re blaming yourself), I guess this inner critic started a full-blown attack on you, and it all collapsed, so to speak. You’ve collapsed. That’s when things started to go south for you, in all areas.
In order to pick yourself up, you’d need to learn to counter the voice of the inner critic and develop more compassion for yourself. To be like a good parent to yourself, have compassion if you make mistakes, don’t expect perfection from yourself. Because we’re human, we’re allowed to make mistakes.
So you go slowly, one step at the time, and if you make a mistake and fall, you get up and shake off the dust. And try again. Like a child learning to walk. You don’t have to be Superman, you don’t have to excel at all things at all times. Small steps, lots of compassion. At least that’s how I see a possible path ahead.
Let me know what you think…
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