Hi Tiny Buddha users 🙂

I hope you’ve all enjoyed the Christmas/holiday period. I’m writing this because it’s coming up to new year and I find myself in exactly the same predicament I found myself in last new year. I was reading a teaching in the Tibetan book of living and dying which talks about how we keep falling down the well until we accept that the well is there and we keep walking straight into it.
My well is a difficult person that I’ve been in love with for over two years now. I’ve known them for four years and we’ve always had a connection. We are both musicians, we both have similar outlooks on many situations and we share the same humour. One issue, there is a big age gap between us (28 years) and I am the younger.
From the beginning of our relationship I loved this person with all my heart but felt there was always something in them that I could never account for and made me feel really uneasy. Being that I could never specifically pinpoint a particular thing, I stayed. We broke up several times due to a serious unease on my part that I could never relate to the understanding, caring, funny, humble and quiet, contemplative person I was in love with. It was a gut feeling but not based on anything I could really grasp. We had our big arguments and they could be explosive in anger but then, this is something I am used to from growing up and I myself could be a vile person in arguments. They were never violent though and I still felt there was reason at the end of them. The arguments always seemed to end with a mutual understanding on both parts and a willingness to make the best of our relationship.
Even though we broke up, I kept going back after breaking up because I just missed the relationship so much. However, our last period together I found out that he had been very physically abusive towards a past partner. I knew the only thing I could do was leave as I wouldn’t feel uneasy in the relationship if they had truly changed since then. I have tried to get them out of my head. The biggest thing for me is that they never admitted that this abuse had really happened, either because they were trying to keep me or because they couldn’t admit it to themselves. This tells me they haven’t changed. I could always sense a heavy sadness, discomfort and underlying deep lack of self love in this person.
I am writing because Christmas has come and I found myself phoning this person because I just missed them too much. I don’t know how to get over them because my family don’t really want to hear I still have genuine feelings for them, nor do my friends. I can’t be honest with them because I know they judge me for loving someone capable of hurting another person. I guess I just feel most of all that I’m trying to get over a relationship that was on the most part, loving, caring, fun, it taught me a lot and gave me a lot of happiness, not because of what the relationship was, but because of what I was afraid it would become. I guess I just need a little encouragement that it will get easier because 6 months has passed and I still feel deeply hurt. I feel a little lonely as I don’t feel I can go to my family and friends since finding out what happened.
Thanks for reading 🙂