Dear Dhanush

What you are going through is very normal. I know this because I have experienced this phase for last 4 years and have made progress, particularly in last few months.

Okay so here is the thing. No you aren’t a pampered kid. You are a lost young adult and that is okay. Most of us are frankly clueless about the future and we sort of grab whatever that comes in a desperate attempt to be on time, be settled on time etc.

You aren’t alone in this confusion at all. It is also normal to blame situations and people while knowing deep inside you too have a role to play.

This is the start of becoming an adult in the true sense of the world.

People say we become adults after the age of 18. They say it’s when we get a job, get married and settled.

I say we become adults in the true sense of the word when we have awareness about our choices, the consequences and know ourselves better.

The transition from an awkward, insecure person to a self-aware, self-reliant and balanced outlook.

Informally,we kind of know our shit and own it.

The big question is though – how do I own it?

The answer lies in stop looking outside, to people for answers.

You know yourself best, you know your own inner needs best. Your level of confidence and perseverance is what will take you places.

But before that, you have to be wiling to face the music, know which path to walk.

There is no definite answer for this. I learned mine after depression, personal crisis and number of mistakes. Focusing on each day at a time, developing a balanced outlook, reading the Gita and being honest with myself helped. I am doing my best now to walk my own path and well, face whatever that comes on the way.

I remember reading this writing in monastery once – The self is the greatest friend and enemy.

And to know oneself is the start of the process. Try waking up early in the morning every day and meditating. Watch the sun rise. Be alone and stay still. Start writing down the thoughts that come.

This is a process. It will take time. You are not alone in this.

Hi dhanush-rj,

The transition from teenager to young adult is more traumatic than childhood to teenager. OK, so I am 45-ish. In the past decade my life hasn’t really changed all that much. But for 99% of young people they’ve gone from having someone take care of them and being told what to do… to figuring it out, living on their own, making a living, running a household, being in charge of their healthcare and taxes, etc., making their own decisions… and in some cases starting a family and taking someone else along for the ride. Tell me that isn’t traumatic for anyone!

When our parents and grandparents grew up it was simpler times and you could get by on less. There was less paperwork, and red tape. You went home at a reasonable hour, had plenty of downtime. Friends and family were around more.

I think we are all spoiled children deep down. I know I want to be one again!

Best,

Inky

Dear Dhanush-rj,

Do you know what sort of person you want to be? I don’t mean what job, I mean an adventurer, a quiet stay at home guy, a facilitator, a tech, what? If not then don’t worry. You won’t grow up for years yet, especially if you have had a lot of education. So just try everything. Try not to care what anyone thinks – especially your parents – their job is now over. And if you feel scared, then think of the scariest possible thing and just go do it. Because only then will your head clear and your path start to show itself.

I speak as the mother of three sons in their twenties. Don’t listen to your parents. They know nothing of the world you will grow up in, so their advice will be wrong.

Painterly