I'm totally lost and I need some support and reassurance

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This topic has 18 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 9 months ago by Anonymous.

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January 28, 2018 at 10:06 am #189367

Luc
Participant

Before I start I’m really sorry if this discussion comes again and again, I’m sure I’m aren’t alone here and I will give a warning this post might be very negative at some parts and I don’t to ruin anyone’s day.

I know that art or any work that we love there will be times that we might lose passion or being lost or having art blocks, the thing is I know all of that, every time I open up my software it feels like work, but I don’t want to see it as work, back when I started around 2011 I’ve watched a video called Sintel which is a short film and I was so hyped and excited to start, I was around 17. I gave up like three times because I was discouraged because often it was hard but I kept coming back, from what I understand that means I had love for it? If I didn’t like it there wouldn’t be no point for me to come back. I didn’t do it for money or anything, many times I had a lot of fun I couldn’t go to bed because I would experiment and do all kinds of cool things and I wasn’t afraid to make mistakes.

In 2018 I see it in a different way, especially life. I think about…I need to get a job, I must get the spark back, if I don’t do nothing I will end up working in a crappy restaurant serving burgers or mop the place and so on. When I watch somebody’s art it scares me because I am comparing myself to them, when I see that I didn’t make art for a long time I get sad because it was my only thing that I ever wanted to do, my only dream I ever had, making games or movies. Nowadays I see life as a negative experience, I think about death, the fact that life goes so fast that I see myself in my head being in my 50’s and regret everything and I will be miserable and all kinds of crap, I could be wrong but I believe when I will die life will continue without me like I never existed and all there will be is blackness, and all the people I knew or all the good memories will be lost. I’m afraid to also get older, I keep saying I made peace with it but I know that it isn’t true. My health is reacting to all this stress and negative thoughts I accumulated with times. Health and nature is important to me, one of the reasons why I turned vegan almost 2 years now.

I would like to be more enlighten and perhaps start to meditate, it would do me good I think and I want to see life more positive like the people who practice Buddhism. I wish I had someone who could guide me but I know it isn’t possible we all have busy lives but if anyone could give me suggestions or have a small talk here on this forum that would be great. It’s almost 5 AM I will go to bed soon so if I don’t respond that means I’m asleep. Thanks everyone.

January 28, 2018 at 11:52 am #189485

Grant
Participant

Hey man!! Glad to see your post! First things first – – BREEAAATTHHHEE 🙂 anxiety will send ya down some crazy rabbit holes. I would definitely advise picking up mediation; it will teach you to stay mindful so that when you begin to have these thoughts of doubt, youll learn to take them captive and allow them to pass on by without grabbing onto them and then running with these fears and doubts.

You’ll most definitely be able to figure out what it is you love and aspire to do. I would say coming back to your project simply because you enjoy it, and not because youre money driven, is a good thing. Just remember though, it will not be easy. You passions and dreams and goals won’t be easily accessible, and honestly, would you want them to be? Work really hard and keep your focus on the prize, and you WILL get there. Trust me, its inevitable as long as your motivated and driven. Then, one day, you’ll look back at this and have a nice lil chuckle. I wish you all the luck 🙂 Im starting on that path as well – looking towards my passions and won’t stop until I get there. love always

January 28, 2018 at 11:52 am #189487

L
Participant

Hi Luc,

I think you are placing far too much pressure on yourself. Stop comparing yourself to others, it will get you nowhere. You are fine and remember that everybody has thoughts and feelings like this to!

I’d wholeheartedly recommend you take five minutes to think of some things you are grateful for: i.e, your health, good friends, a kind family, etc. Then take in a couple of big breaths- count to five as you inhale, hold for five, then exhale. Repeat a few times.

Any thoughts that enter your head, just let them drift past, like a cloud, observe them and let them float on past. Do the same with the next thought and the next… the idea is not to attach any energy to them, just observe and release them.

Now do something nice for yourself: make a cup of tea in your favourite mug or go for a walk and really appreciate nature.

Self-love and self-care will set you on the right road, I promise you! good luck, you can do it!

Best Wishes, Laura

*PS- I would also recommend you look into getting a reiki treatment and maybe read books such as:

‘The Art of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle and/or Feel the Fear and do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers

January 28, 2018 at 1:58 pm #189501

Luc
Participant

Thank you I will follow your advices 🙂 I do know that I don’t breath as much as I would want to, what happens is like I focus on my breath and I catch myself sometimes holding my breath instead of letting all go, right there is something I need to work on. For now I will meditate for only 10 minutes or more a day as a start and see what happens. I do love challenges for example I decided recently to take only cold baths and showers, even if I don’t want to freeze I do it anyway because I know about the benefits and it will teach me discipline and handle being uncomfortable, and enjoy the little things in life. I know that nothing is stopping me to succeed and I can make it, though I see myself going back a bit negative as always, I will change all of that. I’m not that type of person who will tell someone that nothing is possible for them, I truly believe there’s a way out even for me, but sometimes we can get lost in the dark and vicious cycle.

I did make a warm cup of black tea with soy milk before I started to read your comments hmm! I rarely take walks because it’s cold here in Canada but I do go with my dog daily to play with her. I will read your two books I looked a bit online and they are right for me. Thank you!

January 29, 2018 at 2:55 am #189539

L
Participant

Hi Luc,

you already sound much more optimistic!! yay! 🙂

It’s funny you take cold showers/baths as that is something reiki recommends, to clear stale/negative energy!! And lucky you, having a dog to play with (I’d love a cat but I live on 4th floor so it’s not ideal)

Keep up the good work Luc and remember to put yourself first… nothing is worth losing yourself or your marbles over! 🙂

All the best, Laura

January 29, 2018 at 7:43 am #189587

Mark
Participant

Luc,

If you have a Buddhist temple that you can attend then that would give you support in learning more about Buddhism, help in meditation, and be around people who are seeking the same thing(s).

Best,
Mark

January 29, 2018 at 9:55 am #189619

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Luc:

It is okay if an old dream dies, if you let it die. It is okay to have a different, new dream and it is also okay to not dream at all.

You wrote: “When I will die life will continue without me like I never existed”- that is true, same for any person, animal, plant, any living thing that ever lived and will ever live. Life continues like one never existed. Even if one has achieved fame, once a famous person dies, life continues and the person is dead, famous or not.

You wrote: “I’m afraid to also get older”- again, no matter what one dreams or not, does or not, as long as you live long enough, you will age.

But of course you know all that. But do you really know-know it.

One’s destiny to age and to die is not negative, it just is. Reality.

So… what to do with this reality? Same as your dog does, pay attention, be engaged in life as is, as is available to you. No circumstance is too small for your dog to not get excited about, correct? It doesn’t take a huge, expensive treat to get your dog to wag its tail, correct?

Imagine you don’t have to have a huge, big money making dream to get you excited. That is possible if you pay attention, if you are engaged with the life that is available to you.

anita

January 29, 2018 at 10:46 am #189623

Peter
Participant

Buddhism has many schools of thought so You may find the Karen Armstrong’s book ‘Buddha’ a good introduction.

Gautama Siddhartha is ‘called’ to ‘Go Forth’ only after becoming aware of life as suffering, – unable to reconcile life with death. Being Lost it seems is the best place to be to start, some might say the only place to start such a journey!

Its seems like a paradox however in Buddhism becoming more “positive” is not about positive thinking but about seeing ‘life as it Is’ and then at a profound knowing that ‘Life as it is’ is LOVE… This ‘knowing’ opens the door to compassion and love for all Life – all of it even the parts we might label and experience as wrong. The question of being “positive” dissolves no longer needing to be asked or answered.

These awakening to Life as it is no longer attached to a false concept of self/egotism that responds to ‘Life as it is’ with a NO and demand to change what cannot be changed – the source of much of the suffering we create for our self.

We suffer not just from the experience but the story our egotism creates by attaching the ‘I’ to the experience. The self (small s) is an illusion, you are not your ego, you are not your memories, you are not your experiences. Letting go of egotism and the unskillful stories we find we can be “happy” engaging in Life as it Is.

As an Artist it might be interesting if you can allow your art to become part of your ‘meditation’ practice. That you allow your art to inform and ‘create’ you even as you create it. A kind of alchemy of the soul. Imagine what the journey your art might uncover as you work to free it from attachment to a ‘I’

January 29, 2018 at 10:57 am #189627

Peter
Participant

Its interesting but one of the concerns Gautama had about teaching the path was that he knew some students would turn the process into rules that would become another ‘thing’ to attach the ego to.

The Buddha told a story of a group of people needing to cross a river. The group builds a raft and crosses successfully. The Buddha asks the students what the group of people should do with the raft now that they are across. Do they strap the raft onto their backs and carry it around with them forever or do they leave it behind as they continue to go forth?

As you travel remember that the map is not the territory it is a guide that may and may not at times prove helpful. A teaching that works for crossing one river may not be the teaching to get one across all rivers. There will come a point where all teachings fall to the way side and we you discover your own way. This is a point were true liberation occurs the embrace of doubt and uncertainty and the freedom that unlocks.

January 30, 2018 at 3:27 am #189727

Luc
Participant

Thanks Peter, anita, Mark, L, and Grant for everything. It helps and I thought that it was beautiful and at the same time I struggled a bit to accept reality. There’s no point to fight it I can’t control anything so I will let it do his job and do the best I can to be in peace. At the moment I have a bit of nausea and cramps in my stomach due to anxiety and other symptoms like cold hands, head tension, body all tensed, heart rate higher, chills and a couple more. I really hate it and tired to suffer, my biggest fear for now is the emetophobia I created because of an unexpected experience three years ago.

Skip this part if not interested to know.

I was trying to sleep but couldn’t I kept burping and feeling hot, bit dizzy and all off, not sure if it was food poisoning or a flu but I was in my bed staring the ceiling with the light on and the fan spinning and suddenly my body gave like an alarm telling me to stand up and run for a bucket and I succeed but barely, it happened so fast and my mother heard it and I felt ashamed and helpless and scared because I kinda forgot how to do it, it has been years and I rarely get sick, but it was automatic but not sure if it was simply luck. I fear that it will happen again and I will choke or my throat will burn the taste will be horrible and I will lose my mind etc. I wish that I had someone I could hug and let all the negativity out honestly 🙁

Anyways I know it is my choice and I can do something about it. I just wanted to say that it makes me feel less alone and I’m glad you’ve all took the time to respond to me and helping me, love you all. I will get some sleep I’m exhausted.

January 30, 2018 at 3:56 am #189731

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Luc:

I hope you rest and feel better soon.

Experiencing anxiety like you do, gives little space for feeling passion for a dream or the possibility of employment or any other plan to live a better life, doesn’t it.

You are living with your parents, I understand, with your mother at the least, and you are about 24. Right before you threw up, your concern was that you will do it wrong, that you will miss the bucket and create a mess. You “felt ashamed and helpless and scared because (you) kinda forgot how to do it (to vomit into a bucket)”- reads to me that you feel very uncomfortable to feel distress around your mother, that when you did, as a child, she did not comfort you, that she treated your distress as a burden to her and sent you the message that you shouldn’t feel distress, or that you shouldn’t express it or show it.

And, reads to me, same still exists, that you have to keep your distress from bothering her, burdening her. Am I correct in my understanding?

anita

January 30, 2018 at 3:27 pm #189843
Luc
Participant
Dear anita:

yes I’m 24 and my mother always took care of me, maybe a bit too much sometimes, I remember when I was around 7 I had severe food poisoning that lasted for days and she took me to the hospital because I was dangerously dehydrated and I refused to drink or eat anything, then the doc scared me saying I will stay in the hospital if I refused to drink the orange juice he gave me, so I did. Since then I think that’s when I started to not like hospitals. I never saw my parents ever get sick or my two older brothers, just fever or little colds. 2015 When it happened I thought “Why me?” I didn’t like to be the center of attention. When I went to the kitchen to go upstairs for the bathroom to clean it my mother was like eugh! that smells bad… I felt more shame, she didn’t mean to do that though. When done cleaning I went back to the kitchen and she gave me a glass of Eno and took one or two sips and again I rushed to open the door and go outside and everyone could see me, I even missed a bit and hit the balcony and I heard my dad screaming inside “not there!” done it 6 more times and I felt much better. I wasn’t that scared at the end I was mostly thinking “come on end it already” And that was it, went to bed and during the night I had a fever and I barely eaten anything during the day so I forced myself to eat soup.

The emetophobia I have is not very serious and I don’t let it stop me to eat or live, yesterday I wasn’t feeling that great but I went to visit my friend because I told him I would visit him, I’m able to see people get sick in front of me too and I won’t freak out. Everything is making more sense now.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Luc.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Luc.
January 31, 2018 at 4:20 am #189877

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Luc:

I looked up emetophobia, “intense anxiety pertaining to vomiting”. I thought that the vomiting experience you described yesterday, was recent. Now I am not sure, did it happen in 2015 (you wrote in your most recent post: “2015 when it happened”)?

You shared that you have two older brothers and that your mother always took care of you, “maybe a bit too much”. Would you like to elaborate on the “too much”?

I also wonder what you meant in your last sentence: “Everything is making more sense now”.

anita

January 31, 2018 at 10:34 pm #190001

Luc
Participant

Dear anita:

What I was saying is that when I was little I had bad experiences and I think that these made me fear of throwing up, but in 2015 it happened again but without warning and it went so fast. And then I said it’s making more sense now why I get so scared of it, thinking it will be another bad experience, in my mind I make scary scenarios and it often feels so real and I over exaggerate things. The more I stress myself over this the worst the symptoms gets, and it affects my belly too and with time I developed IBS and I struggle with it daily. Not fun at all…

February 1, 2018 at 12:53 am #190007

L
Participant

Hi Luc,

hope you are well. I’m a little concerned that you are vulnerable at the moment, delving into such deep emotions and past experiences.

Although it may seem cathartic, would this be better explored with a loved one? or a trained professional?

Best Wishes, Laura
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