Home→Forums→Relationships→I'm told I care too much about what others want and neglect my family.
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Anonymous.
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July 30, 2018 at 4:43 pm #219491
PhilParticipantHelp, my wife of 25 years tells me I care too much about what others think and want and yet neglect to care about what she and my kids want. I read an article here about how we need to care less about what others think of us and focus more on our true selves and what truly makes us happy. But there are often times that what I want is in conflict with what others want. I can appreciate that when it comes to work I could be a bit more sincere with myself and not rush into saying yes to make others happy at my own expense, but what about family or more specifically spouse? Where does one draw the line? Where does it become selfish and uncaring?
As an example, I tend to allow my staff a lot of time off and I end up working more which means I see my family less. She is not happy about it. I’ve always believed in being good to others but I see now that more often it just gives them cause to ask for more and more and I pay the price. But she does not see all the times I give into her requests and wants at my own expense. I constantly feel like I am the one losing.
I want to stand up for myself and put myself first but then I feel selfish and get into arguments with my wife because once again we are at odds.
Not sure what to do, very confused and alone.
PJ
July 30, 2018 at 5:03 pm #219499
MarkParticipantPhil,
I’d take the generalizations off the table with your wife. Deal with specifics. It is the quality of time in addition to the quantity of time that matters.
What does your wife want in terms of time; how much and in doing what with her and the family? Time together for dinner every night? Time doing weekend activities? Time for .. what?
What requests and wants does she have that you give in to? If both of you need to make a list to discuss and agree on then do so. Else everything is perception which can vary widely.
Even if you get out the Google calendar to schedule your joint and separate activities then do so.
Do you know what your Love Language is? Your wife’s? I suspect her’s is Quality Time and your’s is Acts of Service. That would be another basis of understanding where each of you is coming from.
Mark
July 31, 2018 at 11:51 am #219709
AnonymousGuestDear Phil:
Question is does your staff work harder for you when you give them a lot of time off, do they return to work motivated to please you; or do they work just the same, or less, and “ask for more and more”?
Your wife, when you “give in to her requests”, does she reward you for it, does she try to please you, and does she too ask for more and more?
anita
July 31, 2018 at 5:36 pm #219763PhilParticipantThanks Mark, that makes a lot of sense. I will change my perspective.
July 31, 2018 at 5:38 pm #219767PhilParticipantAnita you are so right. Seems no matter how good I am to those around me like staff they just seem to take and never give back. Whereas my wife does appreciate my time and me. She deserves more from me and I need you stop being such a people pleaser to those who don’t deserve it.
August 1, 2018 at 3:14 am #219825AnonymousGuestDear Phil:
I don’t remember a thread where the original poster came up with the solution to the problem presented so quickly. As a people pleaser you will still feel the drive to give and give to people (staff) who don’t deserve it, who don’t give back. Maybe more so than to the people who do give back (wife and kids). You will have to resist that drive, to talk sense to yourself while … under the influence of that drive.
I suppose that drive to please started in your childhood, trying to please a parent who was not pleased, it is the same drive?
anita
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