Dear Ayumi:

Hello to you too, Ayumi. Welcome to the Forums.

I need the answers to these questions so to understand:

1. You wrote: “In the last 6 months, I’ve suggested a break (temporary one) twice”. Question: was your motivation to have a break in the relationship or did you threaten a break so to cause him distress and in so doing, cause him to spend more time with you?

Will it be okay with you that he neglects his studies so to spend more time with you?

2. You wrote: “I feel like I’m always making him feel inadequate… I don’t make him feel like he will ever be enough for me”.What specifically did you say to him that you think communicated to him that he is inadequate and will never be enough for you?

3. You mentioned “in the heat of the moment of an argument”. How often do the two  of you argue, who starts the arguments, and what is it that you say to him in the heat of an argument?

What does he say to you in the heat of an argument?

I will be back to the computer in a couple of hours and if you answer by then I will reply further.

anita

Dear Ayumi: soon I will be away from the computer for the next 15 hours or so. When I am back I will re-visit your thread and if you answer, I will be glad to reply to you then.

* Dear Chloe:

A coincidence indeed.

“1. I kept suggesting a break multiple times.. in order to make him compromise”- that is dishonest manipulation, that is, you didn’t suggest a break because you wanted a break, but because you wanted to pressure him to do what you wanted him to do.

“2. I said lots of harsh words and insulted him a lot”- you verbally abused him, that was wrong of you.

I understand that he didn’t show up on time to meet you and didn’t explain why. He may have been disrespectful to you in other ways, maybe before you verbally abused him. Thing is, dishonest manipulation and verbal abuse are wrong no matter how disrespectful he may have been.

You had or have the healthy and fair option available to you: ask him what is his problem with showing up on time, listen to his answer, tell him that it is important to you that he shows up on time, that it distresses you when he doesn’t. Ask him to correct this behavior.

Then wait, if he continues to not show up on time (without having an emergency that will excuse it), then you can bring it up one more time, if you choose to give him one more opportunity. If he disrespects you this way one more time, then really break up with him.

*If Ayumi does return to her thread, maybe you can start your own thread, if you want to communicate further.

anita

Dear Ayumi:

I re-read and studied your original post and your second post. This is my understanding:

Your dishonest manipulation of him worked short term but not long term, Notice Chole’s share above, same thing.  She wrote: “I kept suggesting a break… in order to make him compromise. He did to a certain extent at first but gradually fed up with me and ignored me”

“To a certain extent at first” is the short term success.

“gradually fed up with me and ignored me” is the long term failure.

Let’s look at the long term failure you already experienced by suggesting breakups to your boyfriend:

“For the past 6 months, we have Skyped every day… now he doesn’t want to do that… he recently stopped telling me about little things.. He doesn’t say anything like that anymore! He even admitted to ignoring my message… And it’s not as if he even talks to me when he’s done!”

Basically, for the purpose of preserving the monthly celebrations of the date you met your boyfriend, you have been killing his feelings for you and sacrificing the relationship itself so that the relationship is not likely to arrive at that yearly anniversary!

And then, you are killing your own feelings for him, “I’ve started to feel numb to him the past 3 days”.

The dishonest manipulation, plus you initiating arguments with him (“I’m always the one starting it”), is moving the relationship to its ending. Now, even if the relationship lasts, he will not be happy in it and neither will you.

And so, I do agree with your evaluation that you are “the toxic one in the relationship”, and that indeed you are the one who needs to change, not him (“I want to change but it’s so hard for me”).

First thing I suggest is to let go of those monthsaries. Cross them off your calendar. Celebrate the traditional yearly anniversary if you make it to the year.

Second, no more arguments. Discuss things honestly and respectfully, listen to him, consider his position and his feelings. Don’t get stuck in what you want and proceed to do anything that comes to mind to get what you want. Instead, evaluate what you want. Ask yourself: is it really so important, can I live without this one thing?

Ask yourself: is there something more important (love, relationship) that I am sacrificing for something less important (monthsaries)?

I hope to read more from you.

anita

Dear Ayumi,

Hope you don’t mind that I have posted here since you have addressed the post to Anita. She has given remarkable advice as always and you have taken it in a very positive way which shows your sincerity.

As a response to your last post,

Reduce impulsivity by mindfulness, meditation, breathing exercises. Some amount of impulsivity will always be there. Introduce pauses during the course of your day by reflecting on short vs long term consequences. The more you do it the better you become.

Learning to love yourself begins by recognizing that no matter what has happened in your life, you have an intrinsic self worth. Believing that is first and foremost. Understand what it is that prevents you from loving yourself. It could be something that you have habitually been told or something that you habitually tell yourself. Challenge that with realistic and rational statements.

From your example in this situation you have already done that nicely.

What you have written initially is that “I am the toxic person in this relationship”. When you say that to yourself you can modify that to something like – “I am not toxic all the time, there are so many beautiful things that I have done in this relationship. I may have done some things that are toxic but that does not make me a toxic person. Rather I will work at it and do my best to nurture this relationship.”

Whenever you find yourself talking to yourself in a self berating way you replace it with a more realistic self nurturing response. The more you take care of your well being, the less you will find the need to derive happiness and recognition from others.

Hope this helps

Take care.

Dear Ayumi:

I am fine, thank you. And I do take breaks. Activity here has been slow lately. I am looking forward to more activity, really.

These are my recommendations following reading your most recent post:

First, most important, crucial: “I want to be a better person so that I can improve my relationship with everyone around me”- not a good plan, and following I will explain why I believe it is not a good plan.

Your significant anxiety and depression which exist since you were seven, if not before, started in the context of your family, living and interacting with your parents. Your parents created your anxiety and depression by the nature of their interactions with you and their interactions with each other (that you witnessed). If you aim at improving your relationships with your parents, you will get stuck in a trap that will keep you anxious and depressed.

Because it is not that you at seven and onward who did something wrong that caused the relationships with your parents to not be good, they did lots of things wrong. (How do I know? A child is highly motivated to please the parents and reaches out to the parents repeatedly with love)

It is not within your power to improve the relationships with your parents.

If you give up the aim of improving your relationships with your parents, then you will be able to improve your mental well being and your relationships with other people, including your boyfriend.

Moving away from home reads excellent to me. Learning interpersonal relationship skills is a good plan, how to interact effectively with your boyfriend. Maybe there are good articles on the italicized on the home page. I bet there are books and workbooks on the matter.

Effective psychotherapy or counseling on campus or presently, if available for you is a very good idea.

If you re-read Prash’s excellent post to you, he listed some very effective and necessary intrapersonal skills, such as meditation and mindfulness. You can read about Mindfulness under Blogs on the home page here. It is about the slowing down of the brain and therefore of our actions while paying attention. Mindfulness is a lifetime process, should be. It never stops.

When we slow down, pause, pay attention we are able to think before we speak and then speak in a way that helps us and others, not in a way we regret later. We are able to prevent a lot of problems, able to use our time better and get needed results.

Post again anytime you’d like. We can communicate more and more (no time limit to the threads that I know about).

anita