Dear Katie:

Nothing led to the breakup, out of the blue?

anita

Hello Katie,

I’m sorry about all that you are going through.  Like Anita I’m wondering if there was anything leading up to the breakup?  I also am wondering if this is your first long term relationship?

I hope you will also get some perspective soon how being in a relationship where you are being compared to someone else  where your flaws are highlighted is not a healthy relationship.  And I’ll ask an obvious question…do you really want to be with someone who bases the value of a relationship with you on how you are in bed?

Airene

Hello Katie.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I can only imagine the pain you’re feeling. I know it hurts like hell and all you want to do is talk to him, see that he’s sorry for what he did and he said.

My opinion is that he is emotionally abusive. I’m 90% sure he didn’t mean anything he told you but he felt threatened and he wanted to make you feel sorry for not doing what he wants and this is unhealthy. And it’s HIS problem.

The best thing to do is to cut all contact with him. Most probably talking to him will make you feel more pain or at least it will keep the wound open. He doesn’t really believe what he told you, so don’t believe it either. If he chose the break up, accept it. But don’t talk to him anymore.

Hi Katie,

This man is very controlling. He uses tactics like “if you loved me..you would” then apologizes. Then he compares you cruelly to his ex. This is a way to control you. A very toxic and unhealthy person. He sounds as if he may either had some bullying done in his early years by parents, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, or have been bullied in school, all which was unresolved and carried over into his adulthood. He is looking for a victim, not a healthy relationship with a wonderful woman. This is definitely not someone you want. I know you are in pain and hurting now, but imagine a few months, years down the road if you stayed with him..the abuse cycle would continue unless he gets into intensive psychotherapy.

You can’t fix or change him, only he can, and only if he wants to change. None of this has anything to do, with “his ex, being better than you” but his own low self-esteem and jealousy/insecurity issues. Please don’t go back to him, you would only be miserable. You would be constantly walking on eggshells waiting on his next “temper tantrum” if it’s not about his ex “being better” or you being at a friends, he will surely think of something else to degrade you about. Surely, you don’t want this for yourself? You hold your head up high, be strong, and find the loving, healthy, stable man you deserve and don’t settle for a man like this. x

Hi Katie,

I wish I knew the answers, but we know for a fact, that things with him are not going to get better. The thing to do, is to tell yourself, to no longer be in “victim mode” this will help you heal, and move forward to the loving, and safe, healthy relationship you need. How? By changing your vocabulary. No longer ask “why does he??” there could be a million answers as to why he does what he does, but you can’t make yourself dwell on the “why’s”. It won’t get you anywhere, but resentment, unable to let things go with him, frustration, unable to move forward, stagnant, etc. Another, is not to worry so much about “getting hurt even more” another victim role which will keep you angry and stagnant. He has all along been hurting you. It’s time to leave and be at peace once and for all. Another..living in the past..such as “my family knows or knew we wanted to get married..so why..??” again.more victimization and stagnation in your part, because this is no more. Again, all the “why’s” won’t make him change. He won’t stop his behavior. I know deep down you know this. No need for answers, he won’t change, it’s over..in the past. You have to move on and find the love you so deserve.

I have been to Costa Rica. It’s beautiful. My Dad sent me there for my High School graduation present. He was building low cost housing there. I also got to take a helicopter and train ride (although it derailed), to Panama Canal and Guatemala. Stunning places. Go on the trip, but no expectations of “getting back together” or the trip will be ruined for you. Give him a taste of his own medicine. I remember many nice looking Latinos there, they are friendly. Flirt, and say “dammmn” to your hearts content. Go talk to some men right in front of him. Lots of sexy dances there..have one..a tango with a cute latino! Why not? If he can do it, why can’t you? Have the time of your life. When you get back, casually thank him for the great trip and have no more contact with this man, the longer you prolong it, the harder it will be. Keep us posted. x

Dear Katie:

You wrote, “We have a vacation planned for Costa Rica with his family at the end of May. Besides the fact that it is paid for and everything… I reaaally want to go to Costa Rica”- You shared earlier, on another thread, that his family consists of a his single, struggling mother who is working a few minimum paying jobs. You shared that your father is a CEO of a fortune 500 company.

I don’t understand: it is his family, his struggling mother paying for a vacation to Costa Rica, for you, him, others?

I don’t understand: if you want so badly to go to Costa Rica, is it possible that your father will treat you to such a vacation? If so, you can go there, have the tan you want for the prom pictures and not spend the vacation with an abusive friend/boyfriend.

anita