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  • #195411
    Mike
    Participant

    The part of me that romanticized love has died.

    To be clear, my hope of ever being loved or in a loving relationship has died. All of these years my optimism has always carried me, my relentless vision of looking at the bright side has failed me. I now believe the driving force behind my optimism was the want to be loved. I always strived at being the best bc the better I was the better the love I would attract. So they had me believe. I always dodged bullet after bullet of what I believed was the wrong girl. Some would set me back but I would always bounce back stronger.

    So I thought. It isn’t until you meet someone that breaks your core will you know the reason of wrong. Someone no matter how much you try will never see any good inside of you. Yet for some reason you crave to change their opinion. Why they stay with you? I still can’t tell you. I wonder at times if it’s just them. Nothing to do with me at all, and they stay just because they have someone to not only destroy but it brings them an uplifting feeling.

    I try every day. Yet every word, every look, every syllable out of my mouth brings hatred back to me. I no longer know myself. The people around me, I can tell how much of a difference they are around me and I can only pin point it to the storm over my head. I changed. I feel sorry for me, listen to my problems. No one wants that, but when your stuck in a position where your drowning,  survival is the only thought you can hold onto. Self survival. Until that is you internalize this feeling and start accepting this is the life you chose. So you punish yourself. Neglecting your wants and needs and passions. Others will look at you and say you’ve given yourself up for this person. The truth is no, I am no longer a person. I am not whole. My partner broke me and won’t allow me to rise again. The choice can always be to walk away, but sometimes you get in too deep. For me, it was a house and a baby on the way. We we’re fighting way before we bought the house yet we both wanted out of our current positions. Looking back, I had the world at my fingers. I was just too scared to realize it so I took the safe route. Life is utterly horrible. I have been making progress though. I finally am starting to distance the emotions from reality.

    Im working out now and eating healthy. I wake up at 5am now just so I can get things done before she wakes up in a bad mood. I know this sounds like a real fucked up paragraph to write but it doesn’t even scratch the surface, and I know I am not the only one in this position. It just makes you wonder how much sacrifice do you have to make until they realize your worth it.

    The answer is Clear now. It doesn’t matter. Ive entered into a relationship with someone who yes cares for others bc it makes them feel good but just can’t bring it to make me feel good. Something about that bothers them. It always goes back to what are you going to do for me. Scratch my back.. what do I get out of it. Have sex with me, whats in it for me. Watch this tv show, I don’t like it. There is no , well you like this tv show let me see why. Let me engage your interests. They have a million defensive excuses why when you bring up the pain they cause. Oh boy do they get angry when you speak up even the slightest.

     Isn’t it nuts they can wrong you so bad but the anger they feel makes you apologize in the end.

    Sometimes you walk away saying I guess they have a point. I’ve been laughed at while naked, called a creep face, sometimes I get analyzed when I say something and a dark secret gets thrown in my face. Oh yeah, do they do that to you too? You get vulnerable with them (well used to) and they take that as ammo?? Ammo! Youre darkest secrets now become ammo. They doubt your ability to do anything so much that you now doubt yourself.

    As I write this I am still getting screamed at for asking what she was going to do today. She said im controlling for even asking. Which would stand out to most people as she’s probably cheating, but no seriously she’s just that mean. I could probably go on writing this for hours but I won’t.

    I just know Im not the only one. I kind of wish I was so no one would feel so broken as I do right now.

    I just hope I get a clear answer on what to do in life before its too late. Im only 33. Only. I hope I can muster the courage to just stop asking her questions and worry only about myself, but the catch 22 is if I ignore her she pouts thats im being cold. There is no winning for me. No tiger blood. Don’t feel sympathy for me bc I don’t deserve it. For those that think its easy to walk away its just not. When you endure as much direct hate as I have if affects you so badly. Yes the first time it happened was my only Time to escape but I brushed it off like she’s just having a bad day. Just a warning for those still in its the first time, just run. You WILL find someone better. Anyone is better. Shit no one is better. For those that are in my shoes as well, we are not the assholes. We are not bad people. We are just being brainwashed. Try like I am trying. One day at a time. It doesn’t feel like Im getting stronger but at least im getting better habits and before you know it maybe things change.

    #195463
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Mike

    I found reading your post difficult to read. Its obvious you’re in a lot of pain.

    One of the purpose of relationship is that it will present us with the opportunity (force us some might say) to confront our issues and point us in the direction of individuation. The goal two people in relationship together and at the same time authentically themselves. (Two become One by remaining Two – that is not a paradox)

    It can be a difficult as part of the process involves projecting our shadow and fears onto the other. Projection allows us to see the issue that need to be dealt with. However, if we don’t realize the issue is a projection of our own fears and shadow we might assume the problem belongs to our partner. Its all their fault and the issue becomes entrenched vice healed.

    I’m not sure if that’s is what your doing, however projection and transference is almost always involved in any relationship. There also appears to be some cognitive distortions involved in the post which may be clouding the issue.

    Consoling might be helpful to figure all that stuff out.

    I would also recommend the books of David Richo. I found his book ‘How to be an Adult’ really helpful.

    #195465
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mike:

    You are 33. I didn’t understand your circumstances well enough: are you married to this woman and do you have a child with her?

    Reads like a terrible relationship. You wrote that it is not easy for you to leave the relationship. Reads to me that it is necessary.

    And she stays with you because…?

    anita

    #195475
    Mike
    Participant

    Thank you for your insights. I realize my writing my be a little incoherent. I just started typing and didn’t stop.

    Peter – What projections come off during my writing? I would like to try and understand maybe what I am projecting and diluting based on my own thoughts. If maybe I can realize my delusional patterns I can actively restrict them.

    #195537
    Peter
    Participant

    Writing the post as a kind of stream of consciousness (which was very well done) is a good place to start to understand what issues belong to you and those that are your partners.

    Start by breaking down your post and identifying and cognitive distortions (Below are common cognitive distortions) List the distortions that have shown up and ask yourself what payoff you might be getting for thinking that way. Notice (become mindful) of which type of distortion shows up the most. Under stress is there a tendency to frame the experience through that lens of this distortion? Did the distortions give you permission to focuses on what others may or may not be doing?  If so Its likely you identified a projection and shadow work is required.  (Google Shadow work or Shadow Dancing)

    Once you remove the distortions you will be better able to identify the main issues that have gotten you to this present state of distress. It is likely that you will discover that there are not as many issues as you thought.

    The experience of being overwhelm and lost may be due a feeling that an undefined everything was wrong. By taking time to breath and taking a honest look at your thinking you will be in a better place to deal with the issues that are in your power to deal with.

     

    Cognitive Distortions

    1. Filtering.

    We take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. For instance, a person may pick out a single, unpleasant detail and dwell on it exclusively so that their vision of reality becomes darkened or distorted.

    1. Polarized Thinking (or “Black and White” Thinking).

    In polarized thinking, things are either “black-or-white.” We have to be perfect or we’re a failure — there is no middle ground. You place people or situations in “either/or” categories, with no shades of gray or allowing for the complexity of most people and situations. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

    1. Overgeneralization.

    In this cognitive distortion, we come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or a single piece of evidence. If something bad happens only once, we expect it to happen over and over again. A person may see a single, unpleasant event as part of a never-ending pattern of defeat.

    1. Jumping to Conclusions.

    Without individuals saying so, we know what they are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, we are able to determine how people are feeling toward us.

    1. Catastrophizing.

    We expect disaster to strike, no matter what. This is also referred to as “magnifying or minimizing.” We hear about a problem and use what if questions (e.g., “What if tragedy strikes?” “What if it happens to me?”).

    1. Personalization.

    Personalization is a distortion where a person believes that everything others do or say is some kind of direct, personal reaction to the person. We also compare ourselves to others trying to determine who is smarter, better looking, etc.

    1. Control Fallacies.

    If we feel externally controlled, we see ourselves as helpless a victim of fate. For example, “I can’t help it if the quality of the work is poor, my boss demanded I work overtime on it.” The fallacy of internal control has us assuming responsibility for the pain and happiness of everyone around us. For example, “Why aren’t you happy? Is it because of something I did?”

    1. Fallacy of Fairness.

    We feel resentful because we think we know what is fair, but other people won’t agree with us. As our parents tell us when we’re growing up and something doesn’t go our way, “Life isn’t always fair.” People who go through life applying a measuring ruler against every situation judging its “fairness” will often feel badly and negative because of it. Because life isn’t “fair” — things will not always work out in your favor, even when you think they should.

    1. Blaming.

    We hold other people responsible for our pain, or take the other track and blame ourselves for every problem. For example, “Stop making me feel bad about myself!” Nobody can “make” us feel any particular way — only we have control over our own emotions and emotional reactions.

    1. Shoulds.

    We have a list of ironclad rules about how others and we should behave. People who break the rules make us angry, and we feel guilty when we violate these rules. A person may often believe they are trying to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if they have to be punished before they can do anything.

    1. Emotional Reasoning.

    We believe that what we feel must be true automatically. If we feel stupid and boring, then we must be stupid and boring. You assume that your unhealthy emotions reflect he way things really are — “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”

    1. Fallacy of Change.

    We expect that other people will change to suit us if we just pressure or cajole them enough. We need to change people because our hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them.

    1. Global Labeling.

    We generalize one or two qualities into a negative global judgment. These are extreme forms of generalizing, and are also referred to as “labeling” and “mislabeling.” Instead of describing an error in context of a specific situation, a person will attach an unhealthy label to themselves.

    1. Always Being Right.

    We are continually on trial to prove that our opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and we will go to any length to demonstrate our rightness. For example, “I don’t care how badly arguing with me makes you feel, I’m going to win this argument no matter what because I’m right.” Being right often is more important than the feelings of others around a person who engages in this cognitive distortion, even loved ones.

    1. Heaven’s Reward Fallacy.

    We expect our sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if someone is keeping score. We feel bitter when the reward doesn’t come.

    #195553
    Karen Murphy
    Participant

    Mike, I was married to a person like this for years. Google Narcissistic Personality Disorder. People think narcissists are just people who like to look in the mirror all the time, but there’s so much more to it than that. They are toxic people who do a great deal of damage to those around them. Read about it. I’ll try to find an article to post.

    Best wishes to you!

    #195555
    Karen Murphy
    Participant
    #195557
    Jake
    Participant

    I was in a previous relationship like this too. She told me boyfriends come and go, but friends are her universe.  I was flabbergasted. Everything we did was centered around her, and after 1 yr she had basically sucked all my optimism or energy I had in life.  I was so glad to get out of that relationship.  I learned so much about myself and the warning signs to look out for.  Healthy balanced relationships are a must.

    #195631
    Mike
    Participant

    I can’t even begin to say how grateful I am anyone has even read my thoughts. I feel like for this once instance I am heard. I am writing today in more pain, and tears filling up my eyes. I know this relationship is now toxic to me and it feels like I’m being consumed by a dark void. The kind where you see it starting at your feet but your paralyzed watching it move slowly to your face. You know you’re going to drown and you start visualizing how bad it’s going to be.

    The more you visualize the greater the pain. The cycle never ends.

    She did me a favor today and took me to get my car inspected. She was my ride home. Immediately as I entered her car it was I drove too fast in front of her, she hates my driving. She wishes she didn’t have to help me.  As I was driving I put my hand on a plastic bag, and lifted it up. She snatched it out of my hand and started calling me paranoid and a bunch of other descriptive words. I said I don’t care what was in it, it was an impulse to pick it up. It sent her on a spiraling rampage about it, and the only thing out of my mouth she wanted to hear was sorry. I tried to speak up to say “Hey, what just happened. I did not accuse or call you shady for your bag”.  Please note it was literally a bag of tissues.  The anger didn’t stop. We arrived home for her to storm out of the car, slam the door and go to our room. I entered the room (Which I regret) and she continues how my actions ruin this relationship. My paranoia is the cause of all of the problem and maybe my actions are why people do what they do to me. She says she can see why girls cheat on me. In my head I hear this a lot from her, but I try to say being told the way I act is why girls cheat on me doesn’t actually make me feel safe with you. She threw another secret Ive told her in my face and when I confronted her about it she laughs. She said again maybe this marriage isn’t a good idea. So I finally said, fine. You can’t keep saying that shit and take it back.  So here I am. Mounds of work to do but I can never get a jump start on my life because I can never relax.

    I emailed a counselor just now as well. I want her to go with me. Im not sure she will. I wasn’t able to explain or get one word in today bc she screams and says if I talk it’s going to kill the baby. Yeah she says that to me a lot too. Mostly bc she had a mis carriage a few months back. We weren’t far along and we never heard a heart beat. Never a trace of a baby at all. Doctor said it was probably just chemicals or something. Anyway, anytime we fight she knows how bad I was hurt from it so she’ll say I was the reason.

    I don’t know, I just don’t get how someone can be so cruel. Not have a conscience about how they affect another person. She is so empathetic about everything else and everyone else. However something about me makes her not give a damn. It’s really strange.

    How would you feel about yourself if the one person you want and choose to be intimate with just wants you to suffer. Is that her plan?

    I don’t know. She said my mom raised me to be a victim whenever I speak up for myself.  Maybe she’s right. I just have never been treated in such a way in my entire life. We do have a baby coming. We have pets and a house. I don’t see how I can support everyone while being so sidetracked because Im depressed. I think ok she said were done, even though she says it just to be mean, do I just take it to the extreme? Do I suck all of this up so I can raise my baby everyday all day? Do I sacrifice my life to maybe give them a healthy one?

    She seems juvenile to me. I feel like she projects so much onto me. I can’t even rant anymore. My tears have cleared up somewhat. It’s a struggle. Sincerely. I feel like I’m in a training camp for boxing. Gearing up for a 12 round war with my best friend. But the thing is You spar with your best friend too. So I am constantly in the ring with zero time off. I can’t go another round but the void is holding me up allowing my partner to keep taking jabs and uppercuts. I want to crawl in a corner just to wave my flag but I can’t. There is no corner to run to. It’s a circular cycle that you can’t avoid. It’s knowing life exists on other planets but your stuck on the moon.  There is no one to hear you scream. There is no one to reach out. It’s you and your perseverance. It’s your brain that can get you off of the void, but it can’t. It can’t because your getting your lights cleaned out by your partner. It’s the constant reboot. Control Alt Delete just isn’t working for me.

    I will read your articles. I truly believe she has narcissistic personality disorder. Her anger rants are more than I ever thought possible.

    Maybe I can convince myself enough is enough. I know It would take some time and I would be happy. But the lingering thought thats persists is, now I’ve made a deal with satan. This baby is coming and I know she’d be as spiteful to me as someone who has gotten their dog stolen.

    Like I said, don’t feel sorry for me. There’s a ton of us out there. I just pray I find the courage.

    #195649
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mike:

    You described your wife as completely unreasonable and severely abusive with you all the time. You referred to her as satan: “I’ve made a deal with satan”.

    You contacted a counselor, a couple or marriage counselor, I assume: “I emailed a counselor just now as well. I want her to go with me. I’m not sure she will”-

    How can a counselor undo a satan?

    anita

     

    #195669
    Mike
    Participant

    Anita, You’re not wrong in your words. The referral to Satan was my wish to always want a family. To no matter what find someone and build. I always said in my head at whatever the cost. I was presented with numerous opportunities to get out. But I stayed. I made a deal with the devil that I can’t undo.

     

    My words seem harsh now that Ive calmed down. I do not meet she is Satan, but through my own fault I went against what I thought should be done.

    Does that make sense?

    I believe any relationship is fixable if two people choose it to be. I believe listening and creating a positive environment will solve any problem. I’m very open to my faults and work on them daily. I slip , but Im human.

     

    #195673
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mike:

    You wrote to me that I am not wrong in my words, that is that she is indeed completely unreasonable and severely abusive to you all the time.You repeated in your recent post: “I made a deal with the devil that I can’t undo”.

    You wrote that you are “very open to (your) faults and work on them daily”- what possible faults are you referring to, in the context of this relationship?

    I am asking this because I think exploring your situation this way may help you.

    anita

    #195725
    Karen Murphy
    Participant

    I don’t think you can fix this. You’re a reasonable person willing to take a look at himself and make adjustments as needed, but she isn’t capable of that if she’s a narcissist. They don’t have the ego strength to do that. They’ll blame others, lie, project onto others, anything but take an honest look at themselves. And what can you do at that point. If she doesn’t take any responsibility for her actions she won’t ever change, and it doesn’t matter how perfect you make yourself. She has a very profound personality disorder. It’s not the same as when you have two normal people who annoy each other at times or have some misunderstandings, or deep seated fears, or something of that nature.

    Imagine if you had two people going to marriage counseling. Person A doesn’t manage his time well and is often late, which causes problems at times. Person B is a paranoid schizophrenic with homicidal tendencies. It doesn’t matter how hard Person A tries to work on his time management skills.

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