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I’m Anxious hes anxious/Avoidant

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  • August 3, 2019 at 11:06 am #306377
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sheshe:

    * “My childhood is similar to Anita’s. Neglectful parents with molestation by an uncle”- you made a mistake there, I wasn’t molested by an uncle and never referred to “Neglectful parents” in my shares here, over the years. But I do understand that your childhood consisted of neglectful parents and a molestation by an uncle.

    You’ve been in a year long relationship with a man you think of as a “social butterfly”.

    “we didn’t go  out much.. we only met at my place.. I’m never invited to meet his friends”. He booked time off for the summer to spend time with his friends and family but did not make you part of those plans and he did not make plans to spend time with you this summer.

    You let him know how unhappy you are with this, and he “admitted that he was still behaving like he was a single man and that it was wrong”. He told you that he will no longer “keep me in a separate box”. After that you found out that a woman friend messaged him to meet up, “yet he did not inform me in the spirit of disclosure”, and another fight took place. Next, he organized a few trips with you and took you to meet a few of his work friends. But he didn’t greet you warmly or embraced you in front of his work friends so another fight took place, “Me shouting and him unresponsive”. Following that, he took a break from the relationship, saying he is questioning it and will meet you in a week to “let me know what he decides”.

    Question: am I understanding correctly that for one year the two of you met only at your place, didn’t go on dates, you didn’t go to his place, did not meet his friends or family and he didn’t meet yours, but you weren’t bothered by this much. After a year you started wondering why it is that you only met at your place, etc. And after a year you got angry at him for the first time?

    anita

     

    August 3, 2019 at 11:26 am #306379
    Lost soul
    Participant

    Dear Sheshe,

    I also have an anxious attachment style and have been in relationships with partners who have avoidant attachment styles. Here’s my thoughts…

    Read what you have written above as if it was written to you by a dear friend. What would you tell that dear friend? Would you tell her, “Keep waiting for this guy to turn around and figure out he loves you. Wait forever.”? Or would you tell her, “There’s lots of other men out there. Forget him, and find other people to date.”

    I highly recommend you learn more about attachment style theory. There’s a mass market book on the subject called “Attached: the New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep Love” by Amir Levine. It’s a fairly easy and quick read. You can also google ‘adult attachment styles’ and find a lot information as well.

    Take what you have learned so far and look at his behavior as a sort of gift from the universe. This is the universe’s way of letting you know this person is not for you.

    An attachment style can be difficult, although not impossible, to change. But your boyfriend has to be willing to try to change. You would also have work to do on your side, as well. That is, learn how a person with a secure attachment style thinks and behaves like and strive to think and behave that way. A secure person, wanting a relationship to become closer, to deepen, might gently probe the person they are dating… “You know, I’m really enjoying dating you, and I’d like to see you more often. I’d also like to meet your friends. How do you feel about that?” Then sit back and see what the other person’s response is.

    It’d be good if you can find a therapist to work with on these issues. (From personal experience, I know good therapists can be hard to find and expensive, depending on where you live and other factors.) If it’s not possible right now, keep reading and learning more about attachment styles.

    I wish you well.

    Lost Soul

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Lost soul.
    August 3, 2019 at 2:54 pm #306411
    Mark
    Participant

    Sheshe,
    I think it is academic whether this guy is a player or an avoidant. It is his behavior that matters. You can understand why he behaves the way he does but ultimately it is how he behaves is how you decide on what to do with him. You have said he is trying hard though.

    You need to look at your own behavior. There is a saying, “Expectations are pre-meditated resentments.” Your expectations such as how he would greet you and you looking for signs of neglect are self-defeating. Work on yourself on self soothing and communication.

    You say you don’t know how to sooth. There are many ways like exercise, meditation, deep breathing, visualization. Get to that place of being emotionally resourceful and deal with your needs rather than putting it on him. Demands are a quick way of making people distance themselves from you.

    Mark

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