I’m Anxious hes anxious/Avoidant

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This topic has 3 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 4 months ago by Mark.

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August 3, 2019 at 7:56 am #306353

Sheshe
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I only just found out that I have an anxious attachment style, as well that I am a highly sensitive person.

My childhood is similar to Anita’s. Neglectful parents with molestation by an uncle.

Have been in relationship for a year with a man who has been very caring but avoidant . But things were good as I was also not fully invested due to not knowing if he was ‘the one’. After a year I realized that we never really had deep conversation about feelings or connecting and that he has a whole other life , is a social butterfly, and many platonic women friends that I was not aware of. I don’t know who they are and his social life has been kept a secret.

I started to probe, why we didn’t go out much , why we only met at my place. How come I’m never invited to meet his friends etc and things started to escalate from there. I was not sure if he was a player or avoidant. He then booked time off for the summer to do various things with friends and family but did not inform me. And this triggered our biggest fight. Since as a girlfriend , I was not part of his plans or informed and as our first summer together he had not made any plans with me.

This has triggered my anxious side which had never come up until now. I have gone from being fun, sweet, light hearted and accommodating to being angry and vicious if I find any evidence of neglect. I feel so out of control and cannot soothe myself during those moments. After which I feel very ashamed.

He admitted that he was still behaving like he was a single man and that it was wrong. And he paid a little more attention to me and Agreed that he would now give me full disclosure of his life and not keep me in a separate box.

We had one more fight when I found a woman friend messaged him to meet up yet he did not inform me in the spirit of disclosure.

His insecurity brought him back to me and this time he has tried hard . Has organized a few trips with me and even took me to meet some work friends. However since my anxiety has triggered I handled it badly when he did not greet me warmly or embrace me in front of his friends. This caused a major argument. Me shouting and him unresponsive and it’s now at the point where he is questioning the relationship.

I am now in the phase where I can’t , eat , sleep or function. He’s taken a break and says he wants to think about our future and that he would like to be with someone that accepts he is a social butterfly and allows him to be who he is. So while he was the one that was insecure about losing this in the beginning, my outbursta In demand for fairness and attention has now brought us to this place. We will be meeting in a week and he will let me know what he decides.

My body and mind feel like they are giving way. I don’t know how to soothe myself and calm down. Have lost a few pounds too.

Please help !!

August 3, 2019 at 11:06 am #306377

Anonymous
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Dear Sheshe:

* “My childhood is similar to Anita’s. Neglectful parents with molestation by an uncle”- you made a mistake there, I wasn’t molested by an uncle and never referred to “Neglectful parents” in my shares here, over the years. But I do understand that your childhood consisted of neglectful parents and a molestation by an uncle.

You’ve been in a year long relationship with a man you think of as a “social butterfly”.

“we didn’t go out much.. we only met at my place.. I’m never invited to meet his friends”. He booked time off for the summer to spend time with his friends and family but did not make you part of those plans and he did not make plans to spend time with you this summer.

You let him know how unhappy you are with this, and he “admitted that he was still behaving like he was a single man and that it was wrong”. He told you that he will no longer “keep me in a separate box”. After that you found out that a woman friend messaged him to meet up, “yet he did not inform me in the spirit of disclosure”, and another fight took place. Next, he organized a few trips with you and took you to meet a few of his work friends. But he didn’t greet you warmly or embraced you in front of his work friends so another fight took place, “Me shouting and him unresponsive”. Following that, he took a break from the relationship, saying he is questioning it and will meet you in a week to “let me know what he decides”.

Question: am I understanding correctly that for one year the two of you met only at your place, didn’t go on dates, you didn’t go to his place, did not meet his friends or family and he didn’t meet yours, but you weren’t bothered by this much. After a year you started wondering why it is that you only met at your place, etc. And after a year you got angry at him for the first time?

anita

August 3, 2019 at 11:26 am #306379
Lost soul
Participant
Dear Sheshe,

I also have an anxious attachment style and have been in relationships with partners who have avoidant attachment styles. Here’s my thoughts…

Read what you have written above as if it was written to you by a dear friend. What would you tell that dear friend? Would you tell her, “Keep waiting for this guy to turn around and figure out he loves you. Wait forever.”? Or would you tell her, “There’s lots of other men out there. Forget him, and find other people to date.”

I highly recommend you learn more about attachment style theory. There’s a mass market book on the subject called “Attached: the New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep Love” by Amir Levine. It’s a fairly easy and quick read. You can also google ‘adult attachment styles’ and find a lot information as well.

Take what you have learned so far and look at his behavior as a sort of gift from the universe. This is the universe’s way of letting you know this person is not for you.

An attachment style can be difficult, although not impossible, to change. But your boyfriend has to be willing to try to change. You would also have work to do on your side, as well. That is, learn how a person with a secure attachment style thinks and behaves like and strive to think and behave that way. A secure person, wanting a relationship to become closer, to deepen, might gently probe the person they are dating… “You know, I’m really enjoying dating you, and I’d like to see you more often. I’d also like to meet your friends. How do you feel about that?” Then sit back and see what the other person’s response is.

It’d be good if you can find a therapist to work with on these issues. (From personal experience, I know good therapists can be hard to find and expensive, depending on where you live and other factors.) If it’s not possible right now, keep reading and learning more about attachment styles.

I wish you well.

Lost Soul
- This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Lost soul.
August 3, 2019 at 2:54 pm #306411

Mark
Participant

Sheshe,
I think it is academic whether this guy is a player or an avoidant. It is his behavior that matters. You can understand why he behaves the way he does but ultimately it is how he behaves is how you decide on what to do with him. You have said he is trying hard though.

You need to look at your own behavior. There is a saying, “Expectations are pre-meditated resentments.” Your expectations such as how he would greet you and you looking for signs of neglect are self-defeating. Work on yourself on self soothing and communication.

You say you don’t know how to sooth. There are many ways like exercise, meditation, deep breathing, visualization. Get to that place of being emotionally resourceful and deal with your needs rather than putting it on him. Demands are a quick way of making people distance themselves from you.

Mark
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