Dear miyoid:

Good idea! To work on improving your relationships so to feel safer, you will need to detail and specify what it means to “work” (on improving your relationships). If I was you, I will address the following questions: (1) Who do I choose to be friends with, and who do I choose to not be friends with? (2) What attitude adjustments should I make in regard to friendships and a romantic relationship? (3) What specifically should I do, on one hand,  and avoid doing on the other hand, in the context of friendships and a romantic relationship?

anita

Dear miyoid:

“People are just not happy with me prioritizing myself… A friend of mine wanted to come stay at my house with his sister afterwards but I rejected since I would wanna stay alone or see my boyfriend…  Now, he doesn’t talk to me because I prioritized my boyfriend“- I am guessing that your friend is inclined to feel hurt and angry so that’s his first emotional reaction to you prioritizing yourself or anyone over him, no matter the circumstances. In his mind, if you don’t put him first, it means that you put him last. He is not comfortable with being somewhere in the middle between 1st and last. Am I understanding correctly?

“I am now taking care of my father when my stepmom is with her own mom, taking care of her. I’ll then go to my mom, stay there for a few days and then I’ll be back to my sister’s house to take care for the cats while she is at another city going to a concert. I will be exhausted after these days and then I’ll be back to work after making everyone happy“-

-it’s like you are a “filler” in people’s lives: where they have a need- you fill it in. But then, who fills in your need: who goes to work in your place while you rest?

“I do my best for people but when I finally try to learn to prioritize my own needs, this is what I see“- if a person, like your friend, does not  and will not understand that he can’t be 1st in your life (except for emergencies I suppose), then he/ she does not belong in your life.

“I am terrified of going to work at a different country because of what might happen with my relationship. But there is this opportunity and if it happens even next month, I’ll have to take this. I’ll have to go. I’ll try to go on with the long distance relationship if my boyfriend would also be persuaded but he did tell me he didn’t believe these types of stuff. But we’ll see, nothing else I can do. I can only wait and see what will happen“-

– reads like an exciting or promising opportunity, one that can be of great benefit to you, is it? If it is promising, why doesn’t your boyfriend encourage you to take it, for your sake (even though he doesn’t believe in long-distance relationships)?

anita

Dear miyoid:

It reads like your boyfriend is very much emotionally attached to you. I hope that he will be able to endure the new situation because your new job would mean a better future for you and for him, right? I mean, is he looking into the future with the hope that your new job and move to another country may mean a better future for him?

I understand him being “sad for himself”, but if he has a new motivation (to have a better life with you in a few years), his sadness will be mixed with hope and excitement, and that hope and excitement may carry him through the sadness of not having you around as much as he has you now.

anita

Dear miyoid:

You are both very attached to each other and you’ve been having a pretty healthy relationship for a long time, from what I can tell, so I tend to trust that it will survive a temporary long-distance phase aimed at a better future for the two of you. I wonder why he thought that you would “hate each other”, do you know?

anita

Dear miyoid:

Happy Wednesday to you too, and thank you!

“I actually feel like I can enjoy life when I can feel his love…  I don’t feel alone with my current boyfriend. I can feel loved enough“- I genuinely feel very good reading this, knowing your past struggles with feeling loved. This is why I say that this relationship is healthy for you.

“He is scared that we would cheat on each other or it’ll be hard and we would hate that we tried it, lots of insecurities I suppose. But I have similar insecurities as well in different subjects“- I suppose the fact that you are both similarly insecure makes the two of you compatible.

“We haven’t been seeing each other for days now and I wanted to also give him time so that he could enjoy his time with his family“- you giving him space indicates how much mentally healthier you are, good to read this!

“My sister is giving hard time to my mom and me as well, since she wants attention…She complains that she’s alone, forgetting that she never allows anybody to make her happy or even grateful for anything….  I hope that I was clear enough to express myself, it seemed a bit vague, sorry about that“- you were not vague at all: you were very clear. I see no point in giving your sister more time and attention because she is too absorbed in hurt and anger to be able to benefit from more time and attention given to her by you or by your mother.

anita

Dear miyoid:

What you said made me feel so nice.. as if you are a family member, and maybe you are a family member, in the broader and yet,  genuine kind of way. Thank you for this little gift this Thursday morning here, where I am at. I will take it on my walk next.

anita

Dear miyoid:

I feel nicer in the early mornings before the heat builds up. (Interestingly, only yesterday I got a post- here on these forums- from a member who also lives in Turkey, and of course, I thought about you).

I am glad that having your coffee read calmed your anxiety so much. “She told me so many good stuff about what might happen in my life and soothed my worries about the relationship“- it gave you a sense of comfort. Maybe when you have coffee in the mornings, if you do, close your eyes and bring back the memory of her face, or her voice, and/ or her words, and the comfort you felt, and take a few slow, easy breaths. You can bring this memory to mind anytime during the day or night, for a few moments each time.

“Lady from the migration agency sent me a mail the other day, just a casual email. I felt terrible. I couldn’t calm myself for a bit“- recently I’ve been developing a deeper understanding of anxiety, such as the anxiety you described a few hours ago. I think of it as a VOID, a DREADFUL EMPTINESS inside. It (the void, the dreadful emptiness) vibrates emotional pain of a particular kind, very unpleasant, to say the least, dreadful, more accurately. Everyone runs away from that pain by trying to mask it with better feelings, better feelings produced by healthy or non-damaging practices (ex., exercise, yoga, listening to music) and/ or by unhealthy and damaging practices (ex., using illegal drugs, the emotional eating you mentioned, which can lead to obesity and diabetes).

The way to respond to this void, says I, is from time to time (not all the time and not for too long each time), instead of running away from it, face it. Instead of trying to mask it, feel it and accept it. Strangely, when you do these italicized things, the void shrinks, it becomes smaller and therefore, less painful. If you don’t know how to face it, how to feel it and accept it- close your eyes and form the intent to do these things. Imagine facing it, imagine it in your own way, and take it from there.

I hope to read about your experience with Facing the Dreadful Emptiness. I intend to face my own today.

anita

Dear miyoid:

“I also try to get up before the heat builds up, it has never been so bad… I feel like we’re experiencing the utter entropy these days, everything is going bad. But it’s weird that besides the economy, the weather, the politics that are going bad, everything in my life is slowly going more stable. I feel like I’m growing up faster than ever, or I did grow up in the past, but only now I have the chance to have the embodiments in my everyday life“-

– an amazing, profound testimony of personal growth and actualization in the face of global decline and destruction.

“I feel like I almost never run from a bad feeling… I started to understand and face them at some point in my life and now it feels like I cannot run from them again“- to me, this explains your current ongoing personal growth and the embodiments of past personal growth.

“That dreadful emptiness hurts me if something bad is happening…  The last time it was…  1.5 years ago. It was the time I was being abandoned again, although it wasn’t a one-time thing…  after all those failures, finally starting to feel safe and I might lose this if I go abroad to work there. But I have to go, I would never be happy enough if I don’t take this opportunity“- you are not the same person you were 1.5 years ago. You have grown and therefore, you are able to take this opportunity and go abroad. Inside you, you have what it takes to make it happen. I am excited for you!

“About the coffee reading suggestion…  I have like a 5 min recording of her…“- excellent, you can hear the recording and perhaps meditate to it: relax, breathe calmly, maybe put a smile on your face while you listen to it (putting a smile on one’s face is not solely the result of feeling good, it can also be the cause of a good feeling).

anita