Dear coconut:

Having read your previous thread, yes, you did lose your loving feelings for your boyfriend. I don’t know which came first: your anxiety or losing your feelings for him, but fact is you lost your feelings for him earlier this year. You feel suffocated in his presence, living with him, means that you feel trapped with him, you don’t want to be living with him.

You kept stating then and here that you love him (although you don’t feel loving feelings for him), that you don’t want the relationship to end, but a big part of you  does want just that: to end the relationship.

You are afraid living with him (feeling suffocated, anxious, having panic attacks) and you are afraid leaving him, both.

You wrote before that you can’t afford psychotherapy. Is this still the case and did you consider seeing a medical doctor, a psychiatrist for a possible diagnosis and medications?

anita

Dear coconut:

The way I see it, you really are unkind to this man, even harmful. And you agree with me on this point. He agrees with me (“he says he will never accept a bad treatment”)-

Problem is you want to regain your loving feelings for him by giving him more bad treatment, arguing more, repeating yourself yet again (“many of our fights if not almost all of them happened because of my bad thoughts..I have bad thoughts and I tell him but he hates if I repeat myself“).

I suggest you stop looking at him as the solution to your problem (your bad thoughts/ anxiety). Stop burdening him with your bad thoughts, anxiety and loss of loving feelings.

Maybe you are holding your loving feelings for him hostage, thinking (without being aware of it) that you will feel love for him again if he fixes your problem, if he makes your anxiety go away. Do you think this may be what is happening?

anita

Dear coconut:

You “don’t feel like being physically close to him anymore”- then don’t be physically close to him anymore, not for as long as you feel the way you do.

When you are physically close to a man, having sex with a man but you don’t want to, forcing yourself- this is a terrible struggle, one that you don’t have to have in your life.  It is  not necessary- you don’t have to!

It doesn’t matter why you don’t have loving feelings for him. It doesn’t matter if you  ever will  again. What matters is that you don’t want to be physically/ sexually close with him-

– so  don’t be.

Regarding “All my life I wanted someone who could fill the void in my heart with emotional security”- once a child suffers this void throughout the years of one’s childhood, the adult this child becomes cannot fill that void with a boyfriend. This void, if it is big and persistent, as it is in your case, it needs to be faced in the context of effective psychotherapy, the emotions of hurt, and fear and anger need to be seen, acknowledged, accepted.

anita

Dear coconut:

I don’t think you read my recent post to you before you posted the above. Did you?

And again then, my point: once we didn’t have the parent that we needed as children and that void was created, it cannot be filled by a boyfriend.

anita