This happened years ago. When I was still in middle school (9th grade in my country). My bully was with me in my previous school, then she moved in the same school as I was in (another school). Bunch of my classmates moved from that school too, so this wasn’t a big surprise but this definitely was a bad thing.

This girl, I’ll call her Jokana (cuz honestly she’s a joke) was a very strange girl…. Don’t get me wrong, she was your typical mean girl. Always in fights and trouble, always gossiping, always somehow getting her feelings hurt. Too much anger issues and break down in tears from time to time. Would dress and talk way bigger than her age, as if she’s 25 at 13/14. You get it, the ‘obvious ’ kind of mean girl.

But she’s strange because- at least to me- she seemed nice at times too. This may sound weird- but we bonded at times. It was a very strange dynamic. At times she was like a cool ‘friend’.  I remember I even one time went to her house, to do a project, and we had so much fun. Or maybe I was invited a second time? I don’t know. She seemed okay sometimes and genuinely like a friend you would want to have. I didn’t think she was lying, she would even compliment me from them to time and tell me she enjoyed my company. I was even invited to her birthday. And when I think about her, it think of pity. I think she such an idiot, but a MEAN  idiot. But still not like the other TRUE mean bullies I had. Jokana isn’t a nice girl tho, but that’s how I think of her. I think if she didn’t have such anger issues, she would be nice deep down but I can’t be too sure.

She would laugh with me from the bottom of her heart, and even her mom loved me. Her mom called me ‘red apple’ in our native language because my cheeks would turn red.

Anyhow- this doesn’t stop Jokana from being a horrible person to me tho. Jokana loved threats, she loved making people scared of her and her BS.

One day, at my second school, i guess I said something to Jokana in-front her  friends but it was a bit too much of a big deal. I honestly hate my memory but I can’t remember what I had said. I think I don’t remember it because it was too silly to be a big deal.

Jokana then comes to me, outside school when we were heading home, full blown angry and yells at me ‘what do you think you are? Who are you to talk to me this way’ she keeps yelling and pointed her finger at me and talking down to me. She tells me that; she has something against me I would regret it if I don’t apologise to her in front of the whole class tomorrow (or maybe her group of friends only? I don’t exactly remember). She keeps yelling and says she has videos of me on her computer, and if I don’t apologise to her then she will leak  them. I laughed and said there’s no way this Joke of a girl is being honest. What pictures? What videos? I don’t have anything she could use against me.

She tells me at 5 PM she’s gonna send them to me, and she’s going to prove to me that she’s not lying because I told her she must be crazy and lying. I was shaking with anxiety, we came back at 12 PM from school, and until then I was shaking with fear. Deep down I knew she isn’t lying because she even said would be ‘the biggest liar in the world if this isn’t true’ I mean, I was tempted to believe she wouldn’t be that? Well, 5 comes around and she indeed has them. A full FOLDER of my videos, of me singing and talking to myself in front of my mirror.

This was honestly the worst thing I could’ve ‘exposed’ with. She was filming herself scrolling down the videos on her computer through her phone. My heart dropped. I was so ashamed and scared of her doing anything with them. They were so embarrassing, just things I would do between me and myself, out of pure boredom. Making weird faces and sounds, talking in different character voices, even talking about hypothetical nonexistent scenarios and pretending I was talking to an audience, like YouTubers do. And sometimes I would look at those videos from time to time to see what I really sound and look like.. yk… things like that.

There’s no happy ending to this, but I think I went to apologise to her the next day like she said, because all I know is the videos are with her and I must’ve apologised.

The thought of her having any of those videos was so much to handle in my brain, the only thing I wanted was for her to not do anything with them. I was at her mercy.

I don’t know how the videos have gotten to her, but at my old school I was bullied badly. I won’t doubt someone else had those videos too. They probably stole them when I wasn’t looking.. maybe I had left my computer open, and honestly I had even forgotten about those videos myself. After all they were very silly videos only done out of boredom

The reason I never said anything about this, was that I thought even if I stood up to her, and told on her she would still find a way to ‘expose me’. I thought she must have copies of these videos so there’s no way it’s just on her computer alone and only with her. It’s hard to do something when you know you’re helpless and nobody can help you, not even the law. This was also around the time where a girl from 6th grade from the previous school (same school I met Jokana in) had her nudes leaked all over the school and sold on streets (secretly). I didn’t know if I had any nudes or filmed myself naked, i told myself I was fine, but I couldn’t be sure. Sometimes I would get playful, but not full on nude.

I would film myself just to look at the videos later and then delete them, sort of like getting to know myself and how I really look like.  I was too scared for anything like what happened to the girl happen to me too. It was a big horrifying scandal at that time. She and whoever has my videos were definitely laughing at me and my humiliation. It’s been such a long time for this story, like at least 8 or more years at least. Jokana is now in another country, she and her family moved aboard.

I don’t know why i suddenly thought about Jokana and this situation- it was so horrible at that time. I don’t remember too much details because I tried to block any uncomfortable memory of it. I just hope nothing too bad happened with those videos – but over the years, I expected everything and anything to happen. I kind of came to the idea that, if Jokana really leaked the videos, then honestly jokes on her because you’ve got to be a very sad and miserable person to do that. And for others to agree with you. I know this isn’t the best idea, the best thing would be if she never had those videos. But somehow this thought makes me calmer and over the years I had gotten used to this and forgotten about it even. Did it hurt my ego? Very much. But not much can be done against people like her unfortunately. Just some rich spoiled girl who is used to getting her way, against me, who has always been bullied and have nobody. Another thing, I was also too scared of anything to reach to my parents- those were the biggest bullies to me too. Unsupportive  and mean, I thought a bully over my parents criticism and drama could be much better. After all not much can I gain from them. I didn’t want to explain to them what those videos were because especially my mom, is extremely childish and dramatic and she would’ve immediately thought it was nudes of me and would’ve punished me bad. So I didn’t want all that headache. I knew my last resort was to forget about it.