Hello, Inky! Thank you for actually listing every one of them down.

If I were still 2-3 months into this relationship, I would have a come back for everything you had pointed out, simply because I didn’t believe any single bad thing about him back then, indicating I was deluded and tricked into believing he’s a deity~

You are right. He’s a very insecure man. He tends to react badly to people who disagree the slightest with him, making him appear strict in front of others and that is also the cause why he has very little amount of friends. These little amount of friends he has, he most probably earned through doing the very same tactic that he’s done to me to make me his friend.

“I bet he was telling you about all those GFs to make him seem like everyone wants him. Half of them are probably exaggerated.” Can’t be any truer.
I kept going back and forth on this thought alone, because everytime I showed the slight discomfort in him, he would pull me back with his convincing words. As I’ve posted, he was an intelligent man that knows his words and acts. He was well aware of what women likes and not, in turn actually making him a good flirt. But I often find him texting me randomly, when he was out somewhere by his own or to pick his wife from work, saying “a girl is looking directly at me atm and it’s been 10 minutes now. Every time I looked back at her, she turned away.” Despite me being skeptical about his way of perceiving, 80% of the time I would have to react the way he expected me to otherwise he flips out, and that is to say along the lines of “ooh, everyone’s all over you. They don’t know how lucky the girls who get to be close to him are,” (I, now, despise those demented forced words very deeply).

The rest of the numbers I believe hold true statements. Number 6 where you stated “he has me competing with the super model girl and her competing with me” is also what I’ve been guessing for a long time. It is as if he had made a realm where every girl is out, and needs, to compete for him. As far as I’m concerned, he would go as far as making “hall of fame” and “hall of shame”. What I think is the worst part of it all: him and that supermodel girl thought there’s nothing wrong with it.

In contrary, I was seen wrong by not “abiding the rules”. I have been somewhat bullied into my position. I foolishly thought they were right because I thought I was so young compared to them that I wouldn’t know half a thing they do. I was insecure and had no faith in myself at the moment, it felt as though I couldn’t live without him, being the way he is: convincing, loving and giving. Which, obviously, is just insane given what I know of him over time.

Thank you again for listing your thoughts, I find them to be very revealing!
I will take some time and really contemplate your suggestion deeply before ultimately making (and/or not making) an act.

And it IS the season of Lent! You don’t know how reading your words have lifted me up so much.
I will definitely use the time to repent and better myself.

Once again, thanks so much Inky!

Ellie, thank you very much for your understanding.

You are right; I have been suffering for quite some time. Having this kind of relationship is nowhere near healthy for anyone – it’s wrong in many ways. That much knowledge in this relationship was, unfortunately, paired with my poor sense of self-worth, and I was too afraid to let his wife or anyone else know about our relationship at that time. I was afraid of being cast out, afraid of guilt itself, so I turned a blind eye to it.. Now that I’ve finally opened up my eyes again, I finally left him without saying any word. Partly because I was afraid that hearing his reactions and words will somehow affect me negatively, and partly because I just believe I have to put this to end… now. (about damn time!)

Telling this to his wife, and hoping for her to see my side as well as alleviate my guilty feelings, I think, is just a bonus for me.
I am aware of what I have done and what I might cause. And I don’t expect a positive reaction entirely from her – she could be head-splitting angry at me, or believe in her husband more than me, or think what I’m saying is a joke or that I’m lying just to cause a ruckus, etc. I am nowhere near wanting her to be that way, nor do I want to break their relationship and the likes.
I am simply seeking a resolution, a way to tell her the truth simply because I believe a wife deserves to know the truth from her own husband, whether it’s good or not. When I saw that he is in no way changing his behavior soon and he is also in no way going to tell her wife about it (and no one else is certainly going to), I thought that I should. Otherwise it would just go on until probably at some point he would hurt somebody again.

However, I totally see where you are coming from.
I might have intervened them too much now or caused too many pain already. I really have to re-consider many things before actually doing, or not doing, something that has a chance to affect a relationship strongly. For now, certainly, I’ll remove myself from his reach and will not get close to him any more.

I really, really appreciate your input. Thanks so much Ellie!

• This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Carley.

Dear Anita,

I appreciate it. I’m still striving to become said woman, however I’m happy that you actually see that in me. I have quite learned a lot from you; I respect the way you think and the way you break it down through words, writing in such fashion so as to make it easier to be understood by others, especially those who are in need of perhaps easy answers and quick resolutions, as well as a way to show you cared + respected them.

Your first paragraph made me smile, and as I read down the rest, I couldn’t help but nod with every paragraph.

I had been feeling the slightest pint of uneasiness ever since he told me his first few stories; how he sounded very lucky yet unlucky at the same time, how he said that he was very open to criticism yet would immediately fight anyone who gave it to him, and how he seemed to rely on praises to LIVE but would also keep saying that he was unworthy of them in (what I thought at the moment was) a humble manner. Overtime, the uneasy feeling grew worse.

For me, this statement of yours:
“There are people, and he is one of them, whose verbal output is a MIX of truths and lies.”
has finally confirmed and explained that uneasy feeling I have towards him.

Having chocolate-mud-cake as an analogy is very clever – it certainly helped lighten up some more pathways in my mind. I will quote several sentences you’ve written after, that strikes me the strongest:

“He didn’t have an answer because he didn’t have a way at the time to present to you a reconciliation between his true and false statements.”
“You asked a woman, it reads to me, who doesn’t know the difference between chocolate and mud. She has been eating both, not knowing the difference. She probably makes-believe the mud is chocolate.”
“When people are presented with too many lies, they fill in the gaps, the contradictions, with their own cognitive creativity. And so, it is of no relevance to me, looking for the truth.”

I agree. (x3)
There are times when he ‘slipped’ while trying to find reconciliation between his true and false statements. The amount of time he ‘slipped’ increased significantly after about 4 months into the relationship, given that his interest in my critical thinking had also decreased. Often, he would simply point that my questions were ignorant, that I “could never understand him”, so that he could successfully avoid the question and save him energy that was needed to make the next chocolate-mud-cake mix.

There are times when I am also led to believe that once he had gotten hold of a woman long enough, he would feel like he already has her caged, uncapable and unwilling to go elsewhere under his pressuring ‘love’. If she ever tries to leave, he will immediately rage and began to take his past pains and dump it all over her, even if it had nothing to do with her.
The “supermodel girl”, I believe, has fallen to said cage, and just like you said, “makes-believe the mud is chocolate.” At one point, I tried to poke a bit of sense into her through indicative questions, but I later found out the brainwash was irreversible.

“You (or I, or anyone) has no chance to help in the healing of a person who knowingly lies so much.”
I have finally come to accept this. But then, do you think there is any way, any chance for such stubborn person to change his own self for the better without anyone’s help?

…my fogged mind is now becoming significantly clearer. I feel refreshed.
I guess what I have been craving all along is a definite confirmation to validate my own feelings. I had my feelings and thoughts shot down so many times by him that I almost could not believe if someone ever sees me valid.

Anita, thanks again for your reply~
I appreciate your specific advice. I will keep this in mind in my process of figuring whether it’s a good idea to tell his wife or not. I will very likely try inquiring her thoughts first regarding the matter in the way you suggested.

I have said this in my update note to you but I will say it again: you don’t know how great of an impact your writings have made on me.

Dear Anita,

“When he loses one person (you), he is not going to change so to win you back- set his life straight, do right by everyone he harmed, come clean with everyone- no, he is going to “win” another woman instead, and still, another. He will make up for the loss of you.”

Sadly that is the truth. It’s apparent to me now that the responsibility does not lie within me or the other women. If he has no will to change, he will stay the way he is, and I have had quite enough of him blaming others for his own infidelity, for his own lack of morals.

Over time I’ve learned to treat this kind of problem as a land mine; not really serving any positive purpose other than reflecting on your own sense of awareness. It may look tempting at its best, but it’s not going to do anyone any good in the long run. I’m happy to say I’ve known better during my hiatus, and while I’m actively avoiding such problems now, shall there be anyone with a similar problem like me, I hope they can find the responses to my original post as helpful as it was to me. With this, I would like to thank Inky, Anita and Elisabeth for their insightful responses to my otherwise boring thread.

I will post an update to how things have turned out for the better, now that I have removed myself from the environment.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Carley.

Two years since I ‘ve been away. Thank you for your kind response Anita – and hello to those who’ve just stumbled onto this thread now that I’ve bumped it up. I’m here to write the long overdue update since I’ve contemplated the replies here – hopefully to close the thread with a good note as well.

Since details must’ve waned off after so long, I suppose we don’t have to go through the nails again. Tl;dr, I was a mistress to a married man, and was wondering whether it’s good to tell the wife and how to best deal with the guilt.

To answer Anita’s latest reply: “I wonder about the nature of your relationship with this man since our March 2017 communication, what you mean by being removed from that environment.” –

I’ve since cut off contact with him, removed our social media mutuals, and moved from my initial house.

During my absence on this forum, I met a loving boy who became my boyfriend, to whom I’m also very open with since day one. He knew about this affair and was very supportive of my recovery since I seemed to have an unresolved trauma that manifested in the ways I handled our disagreements.

Eventually, we decided to meet up with someone who belonged in the religious organization where I met the man in question. He was the head organizer, as well as the lead pastor. There’s this one belief in my religion that if ‘one were to heal, they must first open up.’ And that’s exactly what I did: I came clean. The pastor also shared his views.

Apparently the entire organization had had their own suspicions of the man’s affair for a long while – just that they didn’t know that one of the girls was me. The wife ALSO had been suspecting the affair – but didn’t confront me, nor divorce the man in question. Their relationship remained intact though the wife had also confessed her worries in the marriage to the same pastor.

I was fearfully ready to receive repercussions – whatever it might be – but surprisingly the pastor was very fair and accepting. He thanked me for confessing, gave consolation, and reassured that should any further mediation is required for the married couple, he would be the one to mediate – especially since the organization is quite tight-knit, and everyone shares their struggles with the pastor. He would only require me to come should the married couple need a collective resolve, which didn’t happen and I never heard from them afterwards. That night, I cried a lot in front of him and my boyfriend, but also felt the guilt washing off after a long period of it sticking like glue.

What the pastor said that might’ve rhymed with the replies here was, non-verbatim: “past the mistake, it is most ideal to distance yourself from things or people who might have damaging qualities to others. You do not have to be the villain, nor hero in every story. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has to hold themselves accountable and better themselves. If you’ve done your responsibilities, confessed your sin and moved on – it is good. Whether or not he repents, it is not up to you, nor his wife, nor anyone else’s – it is entirely his responsibility.”

Looking back to this thread and re-reading my own words, I notice a good amount of self-disgust and guilt through the words. The guilt is well-deserved for what I’ve done remains a mistake, but I no longer feel it creeping back up and gouging me inside-out like it used to. It allowed me to recognize and address my own capabilities to do good and bad things, objectively. I’d like to think that I’ve grown a little bit since then.

And for this reason, I feel like opening up about one’s struggles is good in order for recovery to safely slid into view (at least for someone like me). Had I not shared my mistakes here on TinyBuddha, and had I not been open to my boyfriend and the pastor, I felt like it might’ve done me much worse by suppressing all of the negative feelings.

For those who’ve replied to this thread and/or are now reading this, thank you very much. I hope you’re doing especially well, Anita, since I’ve learned a lot from your compassion and understanding. I’ve now just come around to read the recent threads made by others and saw you’re still very much active in writing – something that easily sets you apart from the others. Wish I could send you a gift, if not give a huge warm hug.

Anita,

I see the weather has been very hard on us all. I’m glad you’re still here, always ready to listen and give, but at the same time I also hope you’re safe and well offline amidst such extreme circumstances. Do get enough rest, eat well and keep in touch. You deserve a sanctuary instead of all these insanity.

Thank you for kindly re-reading, summarizing, and relating to my posts. It’s both a relieving and grim surprise for me to know that you also have gone through a similar thing. Children rely a lot on their parent’s reassurance as a solid foundation for growing up. If we’re deprived of such foundation, the adulthood built on top of it may be, in many subtle ways, crooked. I’ve seen it manifest in the silliest and humblest of ways in some of my friends – and at times, in the most destructive of ways. The formula is the same.

I’m glad you’ve opened up and dissolved that stubborn glue. Is it too farfetched to say you emit a loving motherly-vibe around you despite seemingly having quite the critical mother? I haven’t successfuly passed my test in regards to parental issues, but I imagine it must’ve taken a lot of courage and perseverence to overcome. Fixing the roots is always trickier than trimming the split ends.

One of the most interesting patterns I’ve seen lately are children who spend their childhood in the least optimal of family circumstances – deprived of love, ignored by society who saw them being oppressed, riddled with emotional turmoils – to later grow up into an adult that is the exact opposite of the adult their parents are. In these cases, it almost looks like it’s their own way of taking revenge to how their parents might’ve mistreated them. Such shedding of childhood trauma is most impressive.

I’ve digressed. Thank you for sticking with me ’til the end. I must say, though, it’s refreshing to read a story about you after seeing countless threads where you tend to others’ stories.

Stay safe, Anita!