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I want to move on, but can't or am unwilling

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • March 18, 2018 at 8:30 am #197887
    Nate
    Participant

    Hi all.

    This is my first time posting so please excuse any naïveté. A little background on my situation- I had started dating a girl roughly 6.5 years ago in high school. It was a pretty classic high school relationship- we were both smitten and in young, sweet love. Spending all money and time on each other, completely engrossing ourselves in one another and loving to the absolute maximum. I had went to university, she followed and then we went on to live together, moving here and there. For many years we were very happy. After a brief hiatus from school, we got engaged after five years of dating. Shortly after this, she had decided it was best for her to leave and separate ways ( we had been quarreling for months, but nothing overly unpleasant at least I thought). I was devastated. My life was messy, unclean, and I was in anguish thinking what I would do with my life now without what had been my best friend in the entire universe. So after a few months of deliberation and sulking, I decided to move on. I lost 70 lbs, traveled to Southern France, learned French more fluently, learned new skills, and made myself the best man I could try to be. During the last year, I have tried to date other women and men. Tried to make anything at all work to make another connection that would somehow compare to my last one. But still, after a year of separation, I think of her constantly. I think about the man she’s with now and how I compare. I still love her and I still want to be comforted by her kind voice. Without end, I can not stop thinking about her throughout my days at work or school. I’ve made so much personal growth and don’t want to give it up. I want to forget, forgive, move on and just live simply and happily but I need help, please.

    March 18, 2018 at 9:00 am #197957
    Patrick
    Participant

    Hey Nate,

    You have the answer in front of you. You said you are looking for a relationship that would compare to your last one. That’s not the way to do it. What you had with her will be something that you will always remember and you’ll look back at it one day and smile and learn from it. My advise to you is when you are looking for another relationship you should be looking for a whole new chapter in your life. Someone different, someone better, someone that will treat you right. Don’t ever compare someone that hurt you with your next girlfriend cause if you find that girl then she’s just going to hurt you like the last one. Believe me when I say that you will find miss right. She could be in your life right now and you don’t even realise it.

     

    Hope this helped!

    March 18, 2018 at 9:28 am #197971
    Mark
    Participant

    This is a practice in being in the Present Moment Nate and practicing Mindfulness.  It is knowing you cannot change the past or worry about the future.  All you have is Now.  If you live Now with your mind in the Past and your ex-girlfriend then you will continue to live in regret and unhappiness.

    Mark

    March 18, 2018 at 9:38 am #197975
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nate:

    You wrote: “she had decided it was best for her to leave and separate ways (we had been quarreling for months, but nothing overly unpleasant at least I thought)”

    I suppose it was significantly unpleasant for her. If you think understanding those quarrels may benefit you in your aim to move on, please elaborate on those: what were the quarrels about and how were conflicts resolved, (if any were resolved, that is)?

    anita

    March 18, 2018 at 6:50 pm #198015
    Nate
    Participant

    I’ve tried hard to figure that out myself because I was confused too. The answers I have came to are that I had gained weight, was not active in body or spirit. I was a slob, not picking up after myself or taking care of myself the way I should have. Maybe I was too out of touch with her feelings and didnt give her the attention and time she deserved. I had gotten lazy and unambitious.

    March 19, 2018 at 9:50 am #198113
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nate:

    The two of you dated for five years, lived together for months or years, correct? The got engaged and she terminated the relationship. You wrote that you gained weight and “was a slob, not picking up after” your self and not taking care of yourself.

    Was that the way you were throughout dating her, and/ or throughout living with her, or did it came to be sometime after. If so, I wonder what brought this change about, and why it is that you had lost weight and taken care of yourself after the termination of the relationship, not before?

    It is possible and I have no evidence to suggest it is more than a mere possibility, one among other possibilities, that the relationship itself did not serve you well.

    I hope to read from you again.

    anita

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