Dear Sunoo:

“This means my sister and I will move out, leaving my mother at home, which raises concerns about her well-being due to the presence of children“- once you and your 5th sister move out, will your mother be the only adult in the home with your other sisters’ young children, and it’d be physically too difficult for her to physically take care of her grandchildren?

Is that your concern, as well as your mother’s?

I am wondering, if you choose option 1, having your mother move away and with you and your 5th sister, who will take care of your nieces?

anita

Dear Sunoo:

You shared that your mother is 60 years old, suffering from HBP (high blood pressure), diabetes and severe back pain. Also, she suffers from a difficulty with, or an inability to say No to her adult daughters and does not speak up for herself. She becomes so stressed at times that she can’t get enough sleep.

You are 23, currently living with (1) your mother, (2) the youngest of your five sisters, a single young woman who works from home, (3)  the oldest of your sisters who is very busy with pursuing her PhD and is waiting for her husband to find residence nearby, (4) your oldest sister’s 2-year-old daughter, (4) frequently with one of your married sister’s daughter, a 4-year-old who you or your youngest sister often picks her up from school at noon, bathe and feed her, and she stays with you until evening, and sometimes overnight, (5) a cat.

You are scheduled to start an internship in March at a location far from home and your considered plan is that you and your youngest sister, two single women, will be moving away from home, leaving your mother behind. You are worried that if that happens, she will handle all the cooking, cleaning, and other household chores because the #1 priority and singular focus of the only other adult in the house, your oldest sister’s, is her PhD studies and taking care of her 2-year-old. And that this will be to physically demanding of her, given her health issues.

Therefore, you are considering moving close to your internship location with your youngest sister and with your mother, but you worry that it will be a financial strain for you and for your youngest sister because your internship allowance is limited as well as her salary (Option 1).

You are also considering not moving at all for your internship, and instead commuting daily, which will be exhausting for you, and because you will not be spending much time home, it will not significantly alleviate your mother’s burden (Option 2).

You are considering moving and hiring help for the household chores back home, but you worry that your mother will do the work regardless, and you are concerned with the cost (Option 3)

“I want my MOTHER (to) lead a peaceful life in her 60’s… I am frustrated and eager to help my mother, having discussed these concerns with my sisters, albeit with limited success… I just want give her some way or help to speak up for herself… I speak in her place that give her better choices putting her health in priority“-

– My thoughts: your mother is in the habit, so you wrote (“She cannot say ‘NO’ to her children as she take it as a habit“), of not saying No to her adult daughters. She is also in the habit of cleaning and cooking and otherwise taking care of her adult daughters and granddaughters. She is in the habit taking on her daughters’ responsibilities upon herself. This means that possibly, she will resist your plan to remove her from her current location and activities, and that if she moves away with you, she might want to go back to where she is at now.

I imagine that she finds a meaning to her life, a calling, if you will, to work for and help her daughters and granddaughters, and that if you remove her from her calling, she will be very uncomfortable and very distressed. I imagine that she will insist on taking care of you and of your younger sister in the new location, so much so, that she will burden the two of you with over-working for you, over helping.

You want her to “lead a peaceful life in her 60s“, but if the stress is within her, as in a mental-emotional habit.. a different location, different physical circumstances (even luxury!) are not likely to change her habit. Rationally, you’d think that it’d be good for your mother’s health to live away from her current responsibilities, but strangely perhaps, it’s her current lifestyle that -although brought about her health issues- is also keeping her alive.

What do you think, Sunoo, about what I’m thinking…?

anita