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I trust her but I get jealous sometimes

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  • September 24, 2019 at 7:51 am #313961
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ron:

    You are never guilty for how you feel. No one is. We don’t choose how we feel, so we are neither good nor bad people for feeling any which way. It is our behavior, what we say or type out to another and what we do that we are responsible for.

    Last night you felt jealous, angry. Next you “burst out at once”- what does bursting out means: what did you say to her? Did you yell?

    anita

    September 24, 2019 at 8:17 pm #314137
    Ron
    Participant

    No, Not at all , i didn’t yell at her, its just when she told me about that, i went silent for about a minute and then hang up.
    But after bout a min or two i called her again and i heard that her voice was cracking (crying) but i  expressed what i was feeling, that idk why but that thing you did made me a lil mad. I told her that i don’t wanna be controlling to you in any way, but i hope she understands my feelings, She said “Yes, I understand and i Accept you for how you are, even in this situation. ” and later on we just started talking about other stuff and the next day we had a usual morning.

    September 24, 2019 at 9:12 pm #314151
    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Ron,

    Unfortunately, you can’t undo the thing that made you feel guilty, so the best thing to do here is to learn from it. Since the game playing was innocent on her part, what do you think was the real reason that you got upset? It’s likely there is some fear or anxiety about something somewhere in you that her playing that game with another guy brought up. That’s what you want to figure out. If you can figure out the real source of that jealous outburst, you will have a much better time of preventing that from happening again, and THAT is what your girlfriend will want… you’ve shown remorse, now she just needs to see changed behavior. If you don’t have an outburst like that again, I don’t think it will be a big issue.

    If you do feel yourself getting jealous and upset and she hasn’t really done anything worthy of jealousy or mistrust, just try to excuse yourself for a moment and calm down and remember it’s something in you that’s causing it, some fear or anxiety or event from the past, and work on figuring it out rather then getting upset with her.

    September 25, 2019 at 9:14 am #314255
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ron:

    You wrote that when she mentioned the guy in her multiplayer game, “for couple of mins I felt pissed, jealous all sort of feelings“-

    what to do:

    1. Take personal responsibility for those feelings (the italicized), meaning: you believe your girlfriend is trustworthy and that there is no basis in reality to think that she is cheating on you. Therefore, even though you feel these feelings, don’t blame her for these feelings. Don’t tell her, for example: you are making me jealous! Say instead: I feel jealous even though I trust you. It  is not anything you did wrong.

    2. Don’t behave in controlling and disrespectful ways, such as invading her privacy or demanding that she plays only with females on those multi player games, and/ or interrogating her: where did you go? who did you speak  with? etc.

    3. Explore the origin of these feelings: when did you notice first these feelings, go back to earlier than this relationship. Go as far back as your childhood. You may have been jealous then of a parent paying more attention to  a sibling, for example. Share with me if you want to figure out the origin of these “all sort of feelings” and we’ll take it from there.

    anita

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