Dear ajack379:

A key sentence for me in your post is: ” I feel a lot of pressure when I am around other people and I liked having a space to retreat to.”

I ask myself: what is that “lot f pressure” in that sentence. I think the answer is in another sentence: ” There is a lot of fear running through me and a lot of self loathing.”

I think the reason the one time cheating of long ago resurfaced during this time is because your self loathing focused on a reason to loath yourself. In other words, as a result of the prospect of living with her months before, and then finally living with her, your self loathing increased.

And I ask myself, why is your self loathing increased at the prospect and later, the reality of living with her? I don’t know.

It seems to me that the trouble is that fear and self loathing you mentioned and her living with you increased these. Of course, you were not interested in increased fear and increased self loathing, so you did your best to prevent that, by no longer finding her attractive, no longer feeling affection… by not interacting much once she was in your home.

If you think I have a point, that it is probably not about her but about you not wanting MORE fear and self loathing, then I would tell her that, and I would attend psychotherapy with a competent therapist to examine that fear and self loathing. Then proceed from there. There is hope for the relationship.

Would you like to share more about that pressure you feel when around other people? Is it indeed that fear and self loathing you mentioned later?

anita

Hi ajack379,

I’m the same way. I need space. I jokingly say that I can live with anyone if I have 1,000 square feet around me. If not that, I need my own room.

Your GF knew this about you, and she STILL insisted that you move in together because of our culture’s nutty time schedule. Is moving in together a form of pre-engagement? Like the Promise Rings of old? I don’t know. But even when I was in my twenties I knew it was a bad idea.

Rule One: Never move in together. If you get married, there’s something about it energetically that makes sharing the same space easier to deal with. Just trust me on this.

OF COURSE you can’t easily break up with her when she’s living in your apartment. And NO ONE wants to break up while on vacation. And then the crying, the “Is something wrong?” I couldn’t stand it either!

The cheating: Don’t tell her. It may relieve your guilt, but it will cause her more pain. View the dalliance (it’s only an affair if you’re married, IMO) as a sign that you really weren’t happy.

Blessings,

Inky

Dear ajack379:

You asked: ” Can the impulse to a voice fear and self loathing really drive me to feel that someone isnt attractive any more?”

Yes, I did it, my mind did it without my knowing. So from personal experience, it is possible and it makes sense: when a person becomes a threat (the threat = experiencing increased distress), then an association (a neuropathway) in the brain is made between that person and distress and that pathway overrides previous attraction.

The first question in your last post was: “Do you believe then this impulse to protect myself from increased fear and self loathing, by leaving the relationship is an act of self deception? That the only thing it serves is protecting myself more.”

I think that the impulse to end the relationship with her is based on your previous-to her experience you had with your mother, father, bullies in school, etc. From your sharing there is no evidence of a real threat being posed by her. Seems like she triggered, by her being a person only, past threats with other people. Deception is a strong word, more like “inaccurate projection as I see it.

And yes, the purpose is to protect yourself. Of course.

— I am thinking you developed the belief, at a young age (as children do), that you were the cause of your mother’s distress, that you caused her distress that in turn distressed you. And you may believe that once in close proximity, you will again cause your girlfriend to become distressed and in turn distress you…?

anita

Hi again ajack379!

I think I was born with it, TBH. I have no problems, however, going out, being in relation with other people, and being social. Even if I have an hour to myself, by myself, that’s all I need.

When I was single I loved having my own apartment. Having my DH (then BF) live with me would have killed the romance I think.

When we got married we moved into a house. I could be upstairs reading but still hang out with him downstairs later, for instance. You need to have a balance of separation and togetherness.

Hi ajack379

Regarding the cheating, I do believe you were trying to sabotage the relationship out of fear of intimacy. Maybe that way you felt you were in control (as in possibly ending it on your terms). My concern is that you might do this again if you feel threatened. So unless you have seen the lesson in that fear it could happen again at any time. I would like to say again that this does NOT make you a broken or bad person. I have come to realize that these deep seated fears are very powerful, UNTIL we challenge them. Once we see them for what they are, they have no more power over us.

The way I deal with my fears is that first they surface into my consciousness at some point. When that happens, or when I am in a situation that triggers the fear, I set my intention to determine what is underneath that fear. I’ll wait until I get home. Then I sit down, and relax, taking deep breaths, until I feel calm. Then I think back to the exact situation that caused the fear, and I can feel it rise in my body somewhere (maybe my heart, maybe my gut). Then I imagine myself in a bubble of Light, knowing that nothing can harm me. I then imagine looking at the fear, and I ask why? What are you trying to tell me? I then listen for an answer, and then something pops into my mind. That is the next layer. Then I ask again why? I wait for the next thing to pop into my mind. And I keep on doing this until I feel that the last answer I got is the one that is the core issue. You just get a feeling that you’ve dug down to the bottom of it.
This process requires you to be very honest and vulnerable to and with yourself. I can say, without any feeling of shame, that I have often cried while doing this. That’s perfectly okay. So is feeling sad, shouting, feeling angry, etc. Just work through the emotions, because they are telling you how you really feel about something. Often the core feeling is being ashamed of something we did or let others do to ourselves. Shame is an illusion. Often we could not help what happened to us. Be kind to yourself, and just go through the process. You deserve to know the truth. You deserve to be happy and loved. We all do. But the important thing is that you set the intent to find the truth, no matter how uncomfortable that may be. I can guarantee you that you will feel free and liberated once you have seen the truth about a certain fear or situation.
And then you’ll be ready for the next layer. It never ends, but we get stronger and closer to the truth with every layer we peel off.

Hope this helps. There’s also so much information on the web about this process. It’s not the only process. It works for me. Something else might be better suited for you. But set your intention to find the truth, and then let Life lead you to the tools and solutions you need. Remember, Life always wants to help us, not hurt us.

Hope that helps
Gunter

Hi ajack379

I don’t think you need to go any deeper. You’ve pretty much hit the core. I had similar feelings, and the core untruth for me was “I am not good enough” This was something that was implied during my childhood all the time. I believed it, and, because I did, I kept attracting more of it into my life.

So, I do believe you know what the lie is that you are telling yourself. But now you have to put in the work. You have to undo that belief, and replace it with what you want to believe about yourself.

One way to do this is with affirmations (you may already have done this). From personal experience I can tell you that as you begin, you’ll feel like an idiot trying to tell yourself you are worthy of love, and that you are just as deserving of Love as anybody else. It feels weird to be telling oneself this. HOWEVER, it works. I’ve done this. After a little while it doesn’t feel so stupid. It starts feeling more like the truth. And as you keep going, you confront the lie more and more, and it starts to loosen it’s grip on you, until it fades away. It sounds so simple, but it’s also hard. You have to keep at it. They say that if you do this for at least 21 days that it starts to take hold.

I’m doing the same thing regarding the relationship I had. The problem is I still see this woman almost every day, as we work in the same room in the same company. And I know she still has feelings for me, but she treated me badly (not on purpose, but she has a very hard time expressing feelings, so the way she dealt with me was very confused and heartless). I’ve come to realize that she triggered the shadow of “I’m not good enough. I don’t deserve to be loved” in me. So now I’m doing affirmations to eradicate this lie. It’s hard work, but I need to do this, otherwise I will keep falling into the same patterns with other relationships.

Cheers
Gunter