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I realize i just can't forget about her. What do I do?

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This topic contains 11 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 months, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #340214

    Serkan
    Participant

    ps, english is second language, we excuse me for language. i tried to tell story in a long way to make you understand as a whole as possible as i can talk in this language

    Hi everyone,

    First of all, please don’t judge me.  Story i was gonna tell covers roughly  9 years history of mine, (i am now 28)

    I think i am not in myself right now,  if i know it could help, i would cry. There was a girl  that i really like when  i was in college, by the way she is in same town with me and we shared same class on high school.One day I’ve sad her about my feelings. She just listened and didnot responded it. I sad okey she doesn’t feel the same way. A year later, she responded that i am a  decent and honest guy( we never talk and see each other after my talk) and i really excited and we met with each other like 3 dates. I think, that time, my feelings was intense, i just thought if i talk honest with her, it would have been right  thing to do. Then, she texted me ” we should not see each other again”. This was the first time that i smoked(now i am casual smoker). And i said myself that i could not give up, i thought she is the one, and then i tried to stalk her on social media( facebook and twitter), i felt her sadness, happiness.( you can call me a stalker, but  i am not one of those creepy guys, i never saw her or tried to saw her unless she accepted only on social media) Also, her shares and tweets persuaded me and points me clearly that she has got some feelingsAnd  i texted her  once in every 8-9 months, saying that i do not give up. Around two years she responded that we can stay friends and talk  as a friend. i think she tried to know me deeply. We talked occasionally. In a time of  that she was senior in college), she gave a shot about us( i think this was serious one because she was talking about introducing me to her family). We dated 3-5 times. It had some flow, i feel so deeply about her. I think i scared her at that time.-by the way, my stalking times was a mess, i listened her musics i did some activities that she liked, I felt i lived with her in some way i guess- she has ended about 3 months after we officially dated, this was happened 4 years ago. She never told me. And time passed like water 3 years. I sometimes stalked her not like first years of mine. And she  posted or tweeted like ‘i could not forget her’ clearly. And we have mutual friends, i asked about whether she is in relationship or not. I am certain that she never dated with anyone other than me. maybe flirt happened but i am hundred percent sure about her serious dating. after our dating, i talked 2 times about my feelings, she said not interested. nothing happened other than this in last 3 years.Lastly i talked with her about six months ago, she decided to give a shot again. And she told me that i really have some feelings for you, but you don’t have communication skills to maintain a long-lasting relationship, and i fear that i may regret because i am a very emotional person(she is a steady person). Anyway we talked like a grown,( i mean talking about marriage and stuff) this was more serious than other one. Finally, she dumbed me hard. I don’t know what she has pissed off. I think small things gathered  and blown up. she always had an oppurtunity to work in another city in some company. And she moved to another city she has closed his social media accounts, i texted her, she never responded.  She ghosted me this time.

    I  know that problem is me but i can’t  move on. I felt i have missed 8 years. She is a part of my life.  I can’t see forward. I guess i still live in the past. I am  not anti-social guy, i have a loving family, lovely friends, co-workers are happy around me, i am still active in my  social communities, we play football, i ride a bike, do camping .What i  mean is i still have a life  on the surface. But deep down is a mess.  Thinking to move to same city eats me inside.

    I never  went to a psychologist, i am thinking now. I dont want to lose another 8 years. I still feel young. but i don’t have enough wisdom to think where i am now. please give some advise.

     

     

    #340544

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Serkan:

    Within the period of nine years, she told you that you are “a decent and honest guy”. Later she texted you: “we should not see each other again”. Later she messaged you: “we can stay friends and talk as a friend”. Later you dated 3-5 times and she “was talking abut introducing me to her family”. Later you talked to her about your feelings and “she said not interested”, then most recently, six months ago, “she told me that I really have some feelings for you, but don’t have communication skills to maintain a long-lasting relationship“-

    A couple of questions, if I may:

    1. Do you know what she meant by what she told you six months ago (the italicized)?

    2. Is there anything else she told you other than what I put together above, in my first paragraph, regarding her relationships with her family members, her relationships with friends, her relationship with you, her hopes and plans regarding her future?

    anita

     

    #340718

    Serkan
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    First of all

    I think what she meant is that i have lack of understanding my partner as a complex way,  i.e. she said -quote as possible as i can translate- ” you  only know a fraction of me, i am trying to make you understand about me but you imagine what i should be in edited image of mine  because you always do  some thing; when i said about what i thought, like or dislike, you interpret my words into something that what you think or imagine about my thoughts.”

    I know that it may sound like a selfish, but  since we keep away on and off from each other  in last years, i tried to read (or understand, i don’t know verb here) his past experiences because i felt  behind since time has passed, maybe she has changed  and i tried to catch what i miss about her  past, because i  know that this was the last shot, may be i have panic at that time.

    secondly,

    she said about his family issues, i guess her father and mother have some fights. She also said that she has some fear of what if we end up in same situations. I didn’t  thought on this back then, but she always think most negative sides of specific circumstances. for example; when we have small disagrees about what we eat outside, she think this might happen in our marriage. She also have some finished friendship stories  because she can’t give a promise  in  certain future plans.

    ^^i forget about writing this  in first part;  when we talked about life in later hours before ending date, i asked about what is the memory that you wish forget about it? She replied it, i quote ” not like a memory but there is a process and i am not the main character,   it didn’t happen to me but, it happened around me, this was affecting me in some way, of course we can’t erase it, best we can is that i can see it as a life course”… I think this was me, i didn’t think  deeply at that time,but this was like slapping on my face.  It makes me think that  i did a mistake.^^

    Again, thank you replying to me

    Serkan

     

    #340724

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Serkan:

    I will read and reply to your recent post when I am back to the computer in about 12 hours from now.

    anita

    #340786

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Serkan:

    When I read your first paragraph, it seemed to me that this woman, the object of your affections, felt misunderstood by you, that when she told you about herself, you didn’t hear her words, but your incorrect interpretation of her words.

    But then you quoted something she shared with you: “not like a memory.. it didn’t happen to me.. a life course”- I didn’t understand what she was trying to say. So now I am thinking: if you misinterpreted her, maybe because what she told you was confusing, vague, difficult to understand.

    She told you that her parents fight and that she is afraid of ending up in the same situation. You believe that when the two of you had small disagreements, such as where to eat outside, she exaggerated the disagreement to mean that she is about to end up in the same situation as her parents: fighting within a marriage.

    You wrote that some of her friendships ended because “she can’t give a promise in certain future plans”.

    Maybe she was so distressed by her parents’ fights (understandable, fights between parents, especially when loud and violent, are very scary to children), that she avoids relationships, ends them quickly if they start, and when temporarily in  a relationship, she communicates in a vague way so to lead to the ending of communication altogether, keeping her safe this way.

    Do you think this might be the case?

    anita

     

    #340796

    Serkan
    Participant

    Thank  you, Anita.

    I also thought this might be the case after ending. But  now that i am very depressed, i can’t forget about her, and i can’t think  this thoroughly, it makes me think about how to fix this.  I don’t know what to do, future is unclear, is it to love  itself that makes me think i can’t live without her, or fear of being alone? Or  uncertainty of the future  stress me because i lived in kind of my past in many years, Ending was  like opening  pandora’s box, i didn’t  think any other possibilities without her, i lived nearly whole adulting period with her.  how do i overcome this feeling? i know that this is a long process and it is not  straight forward but i don’t know  how to lead myself to this process. I really appreciate every advise, you seems like you have more wisdom than me.

     

     

    serkan

    • This reply was modified 3 months ago by  Serkan.
    #340800

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Serkan:

    I will be able to read and reply to you in about 20 hours from now.

    anita

    #340908

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Serkan:

    You are welcome, and thank you for your kind words.

    “I am very depressed”- I am sorry that you are very depressed, and I hope you feel a whole lot better soon enough.

    I suspect you were depressed before. Maybe that’s why you didn’t pursue any other woman but her, maybe that’s why you were focus on a woman you dated only a few times for so very long, nine whole years.

    “it makes me think about how to fix this”- if she avoids relationships because she is too scared to end up in a terrible marriage, like the one between her parents, you can’t resolve her fear, can’t retroactively fix the marriage between her parents. Question is, can you, or will you fix whatever it is within you that needs to be fixed, or healed.

    “I lived nearly whole adulting period with her”- not really with her, but with the fantasy of her. You spent very little time with her alone.

    * I was wondering about something you wrote earlier: “when we have small disagrees about what we eat outside”- do you mean that on the few times you dated her, she wanted to eat at a particular restaurant and you disagreed with her choice of restaurant?

    If you can list for me all the disagreements you had with her during the few dates and otherwise, while communicating with her, it will help me understand better.

    anita

     

    #340988

    Serkan
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I will list the most notable ones, i hope it will help you to understand. By the way, i have found this site by chance. i read most of discussions on the forum. You are an amazing person.

     

    On the restorant, they have a special recipe,  but i found hard to go there because, it is too far to eat, i thought it is just a launch.

    what i meant about disagreements is that  she  is keen on enjoying life, living at the moment, we have differences on that, i am much of a thinking further of things. for example,  she was talking  a specific scene about a romantic movie, in that couples was talking about what if my partner change their specific attitude, and i just commented about you think  about too, after  that, she didn’t talk one or two days. Another example,  she eats toast with jam at nights later when she is hungry,  i never tried that, one day i tried and i commented it is very yummy with smile, and she said with angry face that please everyone has own pleasure.

    one day again, she was talking about one of his favourite poets, later on that i said an unpleasent comment with a fact on this poet, she said none of your business

    one another is that    i asked about what she  is fear of  most. she answered   general things like scary things, ex. dog. i replied what about life, she did not want to talk. And things got awkward  two days or something after that(i mean not much couple but friendly with distance talk).

    I guess she wanted to learn first that we can enjoy  the moment together, or i don’t know

     

    serkan

     

     

    • This reply was modified 3 months ago by  Serkan.
    #341012

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Serkan:

    Thank you for your kind words. I am trying to understand your five examples, they are not clear. Please  go over the following, fill in the empty spaces, and answer my questions.

    1. She wanted to go to a specific restaurant but you didn’t want to go to it because it was too far away. So you told her that the restaurant is too far away.What did she say when you told her it is too far?

    2. She told you about a scene in a romantic movie that she likes, and you said the following comment: ________. She then didn’t talk to you for a day or two.

    3. She likes toast with jam. You tried it and liked it, so you told her with a smile that you liked it. This is what you said to her: _______ with a smile. She then got angry with you, saying “everyone has their own pleasure”.

    Why was she angry???

    4. She told you about one of her favorite poets, and you said the following unpleasant comment about the poet: _______________. She then said: “none of your business!

    5. You asked her what she fears and she said dogs. You then asked her: _____________ and she didn’t respond to you and was distant from you for a few days.

    Serkan, please put in the time and the effort to write clearly. I don’t want to work this hard to understand you in the future when it is possible for you to write more clearly.

    anita

    #341406

    Serkan
    Participant

    hi Anita,

    I am sorry that i couldn’t be clear about examples, i will write down exactly what she said.

    1. At the time that it happened, i was working at full time accountant job while she was a  phd student in microbiology. We occasianally meet during launch break, and it is a limited time(one hour, max one and half if you have important matters), Restaurant thing happened one time.  We usually did not planned our meetings during lunch, i said we dated 2-3 times but they were planned, one is a romantic diiner, other is a romantic movie and after talk, last one is a special weekend outside the town. Anyway, the restaurant is approximately 20 minutes away, and i have it on mind that i have a plan for that restaurant like a date and it didn’t mention her about it, i said her that i heard that restaurant too, but as you know we have limited time, i don’t want to waste it,  i would rather  talk with you, i mean is just a lunch. And she said why  you can’t let it flow the time,  dating is not planned something, time is not the matter here,  we don’t have to talk every time, spending time with you  sometimes pushes me into think that we trying hard to communicate,  not like natural.

    2.) Movie scene was about friends  with couples, they  were talking about their each other’s dislikes. And i related that scene into us about our dislikes against each other and i said that i guess you have some dislikes against me. And  she said why always you think fictionary things, and as if  it would be real, and you behave accordingly. I just liked that scene, that’s it.

    3.) I said about the toast; i think it was nice, i might also  eat it sometimes as a night sneak with a smile.And she said  why are you relating your pleasure to me, you don’t have to like my pleasures,  it’s just a toast, don’t impersonate me in your head. Today i like it, maybe tomarrow i don’t. everyone has own pleasure.

    4. She said that she likes Rumi, who is a spiritual poet. I thought she likes a spiritual poet, i guess she have ideas to coincide with the poets’ ideas. And  i just quoted some Rumi idea that ” be like a tree and let the dead leaves drop”, I meant she has steadiness, and strong roots in life. She said  don’t judge my likes about rumi; to like a poet doesn’t mean i like him with all ideas he has. As if you all know about me,  you are trying to do same thing again(impersonating). I like or dislike. none of your business.

    5. She said she fear dogs and she never tries to confront with that fear, i said what your fears about life, don’t you worried that you may not be ready when it finds you( i guess i mentioned that she doesn’t like planning, i thought she fears about being caught unready whatever lifes brings her door rhetorically). And she said  i guess i will find out it when it comes. After that, cold behaviors as if she means you did again.

     

    these examples showed me now that she is right, maybe we didn’t match because of what you think of life,  back then, i didn’t think deeply i guess. Now, the feelings which eats me inside is that i may not find my soulmate.  omg

    #341478

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Serkan:

    I worked very hard trying to adequately understand your recent post and the ones before, but I  failed. I know that you are not fluent in English, and I can tell that you didn’t put much time into your posts. It seems like you rushed through your posts, compromising clarity and order, so the result is a disorganized, confusing writing.

    It is possible that in addition to the language problem, you have a communication disability of some type. I am not a professional, therefore I suggest that you see one.  You wrote: “I never went to a psychologist, I am thinking now”- see one and find out if perhaps you have a difficulty/ disability that may be responsible for you not having had a relationship with a woman so far, in your 28 years, and for having all the miscommunication that you did have with this one woman that your thread is about.

    I am unable to offer you anything else. I hope you see a psychologist/ psychotherapist, and whatever professional is relevant to your difficulties. Maybe with guidance and specialized teaching, you will improve your communication skills and relationships.

    anita

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