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I never feel that I am good enough.

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  • January 30, 2018 at 8:04 am #189773
    Rhiannon
    Participant

    Dear Hannah

    I found myself reading about your story after I visited this website in search of a little help myself.

    The only words of comfort I could offer regarding your parents are that your mothers last words are not a reflection on her love for you. If she was your support system your entire life then that is testament to her devotion to you.

    Your father will come to regret the choice he has made. It will be up to you if you chose to forgive him or not.

    The guy you were seeing sounds very similar to the type of boy I somehow always end up with. The fact is that you confronted him about his indiscretion. You held up a mirror and he didn’t like what he saw. It was easier for him to drop you than be responsible and have to deal with the fact he was wrong, selfish and unfair. Had you not mentioned it it is likely you would still be caught in this suffocating triangle, unhappy and knowing that he is disrespecting you.

    The other girl probably has no idea you exist which is why he has run into her arms, she is the easier option and i guarantee he will be treating her with the same disrespect he has shown you. You should feel sad for them both. It says nothing about you but reflects only the type of person he is, deeply insecure. If I were you I would suspend your social media accounts for a short while, even if it is only a month. By making this decision you will feel free from your habitual and harmful obsession over checking their accounts and it will be the first major step in your path to putting him behind you.

    The fact you were promoted show how others value you. Everyone on this forum has commented on how brave you are for reaching out.

    Do things that make you happy, cut the junk food and spend a little time each day on yourself. In time it is amazing the positive affect this will have on you.

    Nina

    February 21, 2018 at 2:18 pm #193781
    Hannah
    Participant

    Hello.

    I thought I would give an update on how I am feeling now compared to a few weeks ago.

    The three year anniversary of my mum’s passing was on Saturday. I kept busy and the day went by without too much sadness. I held back from crying which I know is not healthy, but I was with my boyfriend and I feel awkward crying in front of him. It is almost as if the pain will be worse if I have to verbalise it to explain why I am crying.

    I have been attending counselling sessions. So far I have had two. In the first we discussed how all of the things that bring me sadness are losses. The loss of my friends and community when I left the cult, the loss of my mother, the loss of the relationship I had with my father, the loss of my husband and my home, the loss of the relationship I had with the guy who chose someone else. She explained how the sadness I feel is me grieving all of these losses. I understand that I need to experience these feelings in order to move forward. I struggle with this. If I am feeling sad or lonely, I usually do something self-destructive such as looking at social media accounts. I don’t know why I do this as it makes me feel much worse, but it is very addictive. I now haven’t done this for three days and I am hoping to never look again.

    I have also been reading self-help books and listening to psychology podcasts to help me develop some coping strategies and strength of mind. So far I have learnt the importance of not feeling sorry for myself, not letting other people have power over my mood and emotions, changing my behaviour and letting my mood catch up (i.e. not spending the day moping in bed when I feel sad, getting up and having a shower instead or getting out of the house). What I am beginning to understand is that although I did not have a choice in many of the things that have happened; I do have a choice on how I feel about those things now.

    I want to try and forgive my father. I struggle with this – I do not know if I can cope with having a relationship with him, but to truly forgive him does this mean I should have one? Or will simply forgiving him in my heart be enough?

    I want to try to not feel ashamed of my life and my choices in front of my family. I feel that I have been pretending to be something I am not as I fear being judged and rejected by them further.

    I want to try and love myself. When I walk around or look in the mirror, I do not love myself. I see all of my flaws. Too fat, too pale, too quiet, not confident enough, not friendly enough, not intelligent enough, not interesting enough, not ethical enough, overbite, bad hair, ugly clothes, not cool enough. All of these ideas about myself swirl around my head all the time and I would love to replace them with positive thoughts and self love.

    February 22, 2018 at 8:58 am #193899
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Hannah:

    I am glad you returned to your thread with an update.

    Regarding your father: if you have a relationship with him again your anger will increase, I believe. That is because in reality he has been abusive toward you and is likely to continue. Even if he is no longer abusive, his past abuse is something he will need to talk to you about, to acknowledge and to sincerely apologize to you, sincerely regretting. Will he do that? If not, being n contact with him will reduce the chances that you forgive him, that is, no longer feeling anger toward him.

    Without contact with your father, there is a chance of your anger toward him subsiding.  And so, I do think that “forgiving him in (your) heart (is) enough”.

    You wrote at the beginning of your recent post: “I tis almost as if the pain will be worse if I have to verbalise it to explain why I am crying”- it is not that the pain will be worse, it is that you will be more aware of your pain if you verbalize it. The goal of you looking at social media accounts is to distract yourself from awareness of your pain, I believe. We people do a lot of things to remove our awareness of our pain. Many of those distractions, from overeating to drugs to other addictions, damage us in the long run, but temporarily they serve to remove or suspend our awareness of the pain.

    I hope you continue counseling and over time allow that pain into your awareness, gradually. That is healing.

    anita

    February 22, 2018 at 11:11 am #193945
    Mark
    Participant

    Hannah,

    I don’t buy into holding in our grief and not crying.  The body needs that release, that way of taking care of itself through doing that.

    Good for you for taking steps in helping yourself from counseling, self help books, podcasts, forgiveness and self-love.  Continue doing that.  Be patient with yourself and your progress in that.  I admire your dedication and conscientious in those efforts.

    Maybe you can try the approach of whenever you have a negative self judgment, you can say to yourself “Yes that is the old Hannah (acknowledging and not denying or beating yourself up for that).  The loving, new Hannah would say/think/feel I am improving and getting better each day… ” or something like that.

    Mark

    March 7, 2018 at 3:09 pm #196273
    Sue
    Participant

    Hi Hannah,

    I understand how you feel, the conflict thoughts you have.

    To truly overcome it and seeking someone’s approval, it will be a long journey. Take your time,  show some loving-kindness to yourself. You need to be a still water to be able to face others emotion, example dad’s emotion. If rushing in, it might hurt you more.

    Hope things are better each day. You have our support here.

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