I have a friend whom I have been friends with for over 20 years, and what I am about to share are things that have bothered and frustrated me, but I have never really addressed them head-on. We recently took a weekend trip together, and during those 2-3 days, I unwittingly began taking inventory of some of her behaviors that annoy and frustrate me.

On the first night, we went to a bar and were supposed to meet one of her acquaintances there. The guy ended up texting her and said that he was not there and that we should come to meet him at another spot. I replied, “Why didn’t he say something before we got there?” She said that she just saw the message and then followed that up with, “We probably won’t even have to pay for anything.” That wasn’t moving for me, but I didn’t know the extent of their relationship, so I said we could go after I finish my drink. I wasn’t feeling well but we were out of town and 30 minutes from the hotel so I went. When we got there the guy bought her nothing.

At the first venue, we were at, a guy happened to be standing next to me. He eventually introduced himself to me, and we began making small talk. My friend ended up making a comment and said, “He didn’t even offer you a drink.” I said, “He did offer me a drink, but I told him we were about to leave.”

These two instances annoyed me tremendously, especially the second one because it was the judgment that the guy didn’t offer me a drink. Also, because the guy didn’t owe me a drink, and lastly, who said that he was even interested in me or vice versa?

Another day, we were in an Uber, and the driver was playing music. When we got out of the Uber, she said, “That music was so loud I couldn’t even talk to you.” I responded and said, “It was? I didn’t even realize it; I was enjoying the music.” Now, why didn’t she ask the driver to turn it down, I don’t know.

Outside of the trip, she has advised me to say or do things that I know she wouldn’t do, and a lot of times, it comes off as very hypocritical.

Years ago, I just started talking to a guy, and it was around the holidays. I went to her family’s house for Thanksgiving, and she asked me, “Did G*** invite you over for Thanksgiving dinner?” I said, “No.” Minutes later, I found myself calling this guy and asking him why he didn’t invite me over for dinner. I cannot recall, but he said something to the effect of “I am with my family, and we aren’t at that stage yet.” Days later, I met up with him, and he was like, “I knew that wasn’t even you speaking.” He said that we had been hanging out for weeks, and everything had been cool, and all of a sudden, things changed.

Another time, I had a friend that I had a falling out with. I was just going to give it space and time, and after sharing it with my friend, she said, “You should reach out to her. You guys have been friends for a while.” I ended up reaching out to her, and it didn’t go as expected. Could the friendship have been salvageable? I don’t know, but what I do know is my friend would never make amends on her own with someone; they would have to reach out to her.

The last straw was when a guy, who is more like a group friend to her friends, kept texting me. I would see him every now and then and he was always nice. One night, he was driving in my direction and took me home, so I gave him my number and said, “Text us when you get home.” After that, he kept texting me to say hello and ask how I was. I wasn’t familiar with him outside of group settings, so I reached out to her and questioned his behavior. I said, “I am going to message him but keep it light and funny.” She was like, “Hold on,” and sent me back a text message to copy and send to him. The message basically pointed out his frequent text messages. The guy said, “Okay, I won’t text you anymore.” Fast-forward, this same guy was supposed to take her home from an event one night and never showed up. She never addressed it, and they are still cool. What bothers me is that she is a hypocrite when it comes to stuff like this. She will act like if she was in a situation she would say and do something but then when it comes down to it she wouldn’t even flinch.

When it comes to dating or her past relationships, she seems to have all of her exes’ numbers in her phone or is connected with them on social media. She mentions without fail how they look at her pictures and most recently had a blow-up with one of them. I asked why she is still connected with them, and she said, “I’m not petty like that.” Now, if it was someone else, she would immediately advise against it. She would say, “Delete their number,” etc.

It is frustrating, to say the least, because the way she’ll ask questions or do things comes off as judgmental, and I quite frankly have had enough. I am certain she doesn’t realize it, and I must say, if it means anything, her profession is a social worker.

I am evolving and recognize that I have kind of followed her lead in the past. Perhaps I was uncertain about how to handle things, so I turned to one of the people I felt safe with. But as I begin to become more observant, I realize that I have to set a boundary. It may not be me verbally saying anything to her, but being sure not to take any of her advice unless I am 1000% sure that is the direction that I want to go in. I am no longer going to allow her behavior to affect me, nor will I just go along to get along because it hasn’t served me.

My immediate questions to those who may have insight are:
-Why is it that allow this person (my friend) to get me so riled up?
-How do I begin changing the dynamic of this friendship?