17 months ago, I fell in love. The relationship does not exist today. This was my last letter to him

Hi!

I think it was my obsession to have a guy in my life who
truly loved me. One who loved my weirdness, my craziness,
my dramatic self, one who wasn’t ashamed to hold my hand
and show me to the world that I am his.

I think I built my aspirations too far ahead and didn’t
realise that these things don’t live in a guy’s mind-It
is a girl’s fantasy. When drunk, you used to say a lot of
things that girls want to hear and I felt that this was
it, the love I was hoping to enjoy and live in this
lifetime. I kept unrealistic expectations from you and
each time they didn’t go through I was lost. I mean when I
had decided to meet you for a date, I had kept in my mind
that if it didn’t work out, I will not punish myself again
instead realise that it was a good experience and although
never indulge in such spontaneous things again but not
think about it a lot and treat like a casual relationship.

But when I met you alone, I felt like I knew you from a
long time. The concepts of soulmate and twin flame and
what not kept coming in my mind. I didn’t want to let you
go, you were precious in my eyes. A handsome man who was
not only intelligent and sensitive, had lived a social
life similar
to mine and understood me on a much deeper plane, a plane
where it was impossible to understand anyone unless they
have lived their life. Perhaps you felt it all too that is
why you used to ask me why i was so good when I didn’t
complain and understood when you were busy or tired.

When things went sour on your end, it hurt me bad. I think
i became a little egostical too because it hurt so bad
that despite me doing nothing wrong, I ended up single
again. I didn’t quite understand what was wrong- was I
wrong? Didn’t I deserve a happy relationship?

In all this, i hurt myself again and again. I told myself
that the next time he texts, don’t reply. Stop both yours
and his pain right here but did I? No I didn’t, my friends
in college said I was a masochist and I liked it secretly.
That I should be the only option in your life and not “one
of the options” yet I was lost in my aspirations that how
can I let something that I fought for so much go to waste?
I forgot one major thing- happiness of both parties.

I am sorry for all the discomfort I have caused you from
my love for drama. I just wanted you to someday love me back
and for it to last. I forgot how it can’t be forced. I had
kept all pictures and all beautiful texts you sent in the
start because I was so sure that this will last and you
will be a part of my future. I have realised my madness
and everything I have kept will be deleted by the time you
read this.

Imagining to have a partner like you want and actually
getting him is two different things. People who don’t get
them find the next better person. I currently am in no
state to even engage in normal conversations with people
and supposedly I am pursuing MBA in Marketing. But I know
I will be better, I was better when I met you when I was a
mess a year before that. So, in all honesty, I will tell
you why i fought uselessly that day. I had asked in my
prayers that I was tired of the confusion of our relation
so if you were meant to stay in my life, let him send a
text to me on his own without me starting a conversation.
And you were sick that day so no texts came to me. Stupid!
I know but I lost all hope that you thought of me at all
if I didn’t interupt or kept disturbing you while you
worked. My stupid brain did not grasp the reality that
you could be sick even and that if Universe had to send me
signs, it wouldn’t have given you back to me even if it
was just as a friend for now. I kept thinking all kinds of
stupid thoughts in my head till i connected it to all
things that went wrong between us. when we fought that
night, I kept thinking how I killed my happiness by my own
hands and blamed myself, thought that no amends can be
made and then made the situation even worse till you
finally left.

I don’t think very highly of people and if I felt
you were so fantastic that it couldn’t be true that you
were real. I kept forgiving your indulgence with other
women just because I felt that you were not a bad person
and I can’t lose you. When I had myself drawn this
boundary when we first met that I wouldn’t tolerate
cheating. I broke my own boundaries, I made a mistake
again. I let my love for you conquer my love for myself.
This is why I stopped speaking. Remember how I used to
tell my deepest and darkest secrets to you as well. I
haven’t spoken about those to anyone.

When things ended in December, I decided not to speak so
that I know whether I could survive on my own or not.
I was sick the whole of December and rarely went out of
my bed, i avoided people. When in January I did start
going to college, I made sure that I was drunk in the
evenings so I don’t think of you. I have attended many
quizzes and classes drunk without others knowing. I knew
I was doomed. Then finally one day I realised that I
needed to be normal if not happy, I can’t live all my days
like this. The drinking did not stop though. Then one day
you texted again. I wanted you back so much but what I
did not realise that each time I let you come back, I
chose you again over me. I knew you wouldn’t stay. I so
wished I was a man. If a man grieved like this, others
don’t see him as bad but a girl can’t be this way. She is
considered something very bad and sinister even. She is
expected to cry in her bed for a few days and then be like
everything is alright and date someone new. But what if
your intuition, your every part keeps telling you that he
was the one and now he is gone so you will be alone always.
Thr truth is I am not like you, you said it wouldn’t hurt,
It hurts to the point that it consumes me entirely.

Eventually we stopped talking again, I was so deep in the
dark that time. I spent most of my evenings alone sitting
on top of a underground subway passage on top of the highway. Drunk, I used to think what if
someday you thought of me, someday you chose me over all
the worries of this world and came to see me. One day when
you will tell me again that you felt safe and happy
in my lap and in my embrace.

I realised slowly that I had built expectations again.
once again i was hurting myself and that this time I can’t
hurt myself more. Once again I gathered my strength and
started walking again. You popped up again. Right on the
day I came back home. By this time I was so scared of you,
I was so unsure when you will leave that I kept thinking
that i should leave before you decide to do so.
that way perhaps I will be able to be safe from the hurt.
the thing I said on your birthday was a result. When you
said you wanted to do it still. I was surprised and as
usual wanted to stay with you. But I realised soon that it
wasn’t going to change- situation. Too much had gone on
and without fixing it first, we couldn’t do anything but I
realised you needed to focus on your career than this. And
kept letting those thoughts hurt me again and again. I
felt that only through staying in touch with calls and
video calls can we start trusting one another again- when
we choose to depend on each other when disturbed instead
of keeping it within us- it is a concious decision but i
think it is not something you feel you should do.

I was full of fear. I loved you all through. All of the 17
months. You kept asking if I felt anything less. I did.
I developed fear, that wanted to suppress my love for you
but did the love lessen. Not a bit. I question the
universe everyday why? Why I couldn’t have a normal love
story like everyone else? Why I couldn’t get the man I so
wanted in my life, to take care of each other, to live
alongside as partners, as advisors, to sing crazy songs
with me,to dance with me, cook with me and manage the
house with me, to have a family with me, to take care
of the existing family- to bid them farewell one
by one, to manage each others’ finances, to help build
our dreams, to hug and hold when down and point out faults
when wrong, to make each other better people. But I think
it was these expectations that ruined it for me. We often
see our parents and want what they have and end up in
such miseries.

I know you hate me writing such essays so i will finish it
now. This is my goodbye letter to you. If any of my words
have hurt you or made you sad, please forgive me. Don’t
see me as a mistake of your life, I don’t want you to hate
me ever in your life. I know you want silence and peace
that is why sent this email and not texts on whatsapp.
I kept waiting each time we stopped talking thus the pain.
I don’t want pain now. I hope my love for you culminates
into something productive and beautiful. I always wish the
best for you and I know you will be taking care of
your own self so I won’t repeat it…

Bye.

(p.s-I wrote several letters to you in these 17 months,
I am deleting them all now.)

I wrote this letter long few days back and had decided to
send when I was ready to let go of you.

This is just for your knowledge, I neither want to be
pitied nor do i require your help. This has happened twice
now, happened even when we were talking with each other
that is in the start of April. I kept quiet each time
others say anything to me these days. No matter what I do
is never good enough and then listening complaints and
how bad I am and how i shall never have anyone in my life
and how I shall always be alone in my life, How acc. to
my own blood, I am planning day and night another dramatic
stint to disturb other people’s lives and how I enjoy the
mental trauma others go through by fighting.

Acc. to me, I always go to do something else but it ends
up being something else in other people’s eyes. It is
drama but I just want to convey my thoughts.

A few days back, I was constantly being shouted on, non
stop complaints- about how I am perfectly useless and how
I cannot do anything. It caught on to me and that is the
last I remember. I remember the actions of my body but I
don’t remember what was going in my mind and what I was
thinking regarding the action.

I screamed and screamed. As if I was being killed. Kept
hitting my head with my hands and kept asking them to stop
talking. Nobody was speaking but I kept hitting myself
till my mum came and held both my hands. I pushed her away
a little then sister came and held my hands and she said
something I don’t remember but calmed me down.

I cried later thinking about it. I thought of telling you
then but then I realised it happened once so this would
only scare you. As it is you think I am a child and not
able to handle anything and this would have just worsened
matters.

But in between I fought with you and things ended between
us.

Then one day again same thing happened. Sister started it,
then mum took over…this time I was crying and on the
floor begging them to shut up, I remember hearing maa say
“You don’t even die, just bring disgrace to us” she said
it in anger to make me stop but I ran towards the terrace,
Aum caught me in the way and pushed me so that i stop. I
sat there and cried and asked them all to go and leave me
alone. But nobody left, they kept saying things, I started
hitting the back of my head on the wooden swing in my
drawing room. Papa generally stays away but he got angry
and hit me few times, kicked me few times till I stopped
and kept crying curled up. I remember feeling no pain at
all at that time. My brother kept sitting there, he told me later
that he was afraid that I might try dying if he left. I
kept crying till I stopped being able to breathe and heavy
breathing started, they got scared and brought me water
and forced fed me water and then took me to bed and asked
me to sleep. I remember gaining all thoughts back at one
point of time and I felt so scared. That I who is so scared
of hurting myself nearly busted my head open by hitting it
and that was it. I realised this will only become worse,
never going to be okay. I am damned for life now.

Yesterday when I sent you the song, I did not want to gain
anything out of it but you saying you got nostalgia that
too about your best friend as if I was a piece of cardboard hurt
really bad. I kept pleading you everyday to go home when
corona first broke out and when I said good that I forced
you to go, you laughed and said it was because of your
mum and sister. Did I never matter?
Can’t boys say once what is reality instead of putting on
airs?!

I am never going to destroy anyone’s life now and I will
stay on my own always. I will be honest about my mental
state with whoever approaches and will be on my own.

Everything I touch becomes worse. All my life.

Now what I want from you is never talk to me, I know you
wouldn’t but please don’t even care. I will manage to
get whatever it is that I should be getting.

You will also get what you should be getting so no need to
worry about you as well.

SO this is It. GoodBye!

And don’t text after this. As I said I don’t want neither
your pity nor your support. I am fine on my own.

This was his reply :

One small advice. Please don’t think that a girl matters to a guy only if he always tells good things to her, like she is the reason for his good decisions, she is the first person that came to his mind thinking about a past event. Please don’t think these as a measure to understand if the guy truly loves or matters a girl. In real life any guy cannot be always telling flattering stuff to his gf. And it is okay. Just an advice from side. Take care.

I am hurt and I don’t know how to be okay at the moment. I feel as if whatever I did was always taken in a negative sense. Please help someone, I have turned into a person who talks to nobody about her issues and end up keeping it all locked and causing myself more harm. I wasn’t this way. I was the problem solver, the person who had answers to everything. I am pleading for help right now though. I don’t think it is just the break up which is affecting me…I have loved him a lot, i still do but I can’t be breaking myself over a man, can I ? AM  I?

• This topic was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by Ik09.
• This topic was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by Ik09.