i need help

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This topic has 7 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 1 month ago by Anonymous.

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August 25, 2017 at 5:54 pm #165680

cranberry
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Hey im 19 and I’ve just started university. I’ve been feeling very lost and depressed. This has been going on for very long but i think its especially worsened after my break up with my ex. I keep blaming myself for everything that has happened. I was emotionally abusive and very jealous and insecure. Problems didn’t seem to ever go away and I’ve lost him. Its been hard. I haven’t spoken or seen him in over two months. I’ve apologized and he says he isn’t upset with me but I wish he cared for me just a little bit just like I care for him. The other day i decided to take a look at his social media and he just seems so happy w out me and he recently followed this girl he used to have a thing with. It stung because I’m sure hes talking to her again and we’ve gotten into a fight about her once while we were dating and he told me he didn’t care for her. I know it’s none of my business but it makes me feel like i wasn’t good enough for him. I wish I could ask him about it but its not my place and I don’t want to seem crazy. It hurts. It hurts that he left and it hurts that hes moving on. I wish I could do the same. I just want help.

This is my first week at this college and it has been very lonely and its hard to make friends since I’m so shy. So many people say that college was the best time of their lives and I don’t want to screw that up or miss out on a great experience because of my depression. I told my mom that I’ve been feeling lost and off-centered. She told me if that’s the case I could come back home and just go to community college. I already did two years worth of college credits at the community college by my house before coming to university. I’m considering it but I don’t know what I’ll do there but I also don’t know what I’m doing here. I just want to be happy but it seems like wherever I go, I just want to be somewhere else. As though I want to escape. I picked psychology as a major but I’m not sure of it. I don’t want to waste my moms money and I feel responsible to do well and make the right choice… i don’t know who i am or what i want or where to start and I cant stop thinking about my ex. The potential we had and the ways I’ve sabotaged it and how sorry I am. I feel so lonely and crappy. If someone can talk to me that would be nice.

August 25, 2017 at 8:01 pm #165684

Macy
Participant

Cranberry

You have a lot going on so it only makes sense to me that your emotions are all over the place.

First of all I will say that it’s great that you have a parent who seems to back yo…thats a wonderful thing to have…the support from a parent. Don’t worry about making your mom proud or not to disappoint her…she seems supportive..therefore would be proud of you and your accomplishments.

Secondly, sorry to hear of your break up…please don’t take all of the blame…as females we tend to have some jealousy issues some maybe more than others…but were there times that he brought it on? It’s natural to second guess a break up… were there certain situations that brought on insecurities or were you emotionally abusive because he wasn’t showing enough affection?

Also, my advice do not ask him about her..as it will show insecurities…which is not what you want him to see..as it will bring up any past issues to mind…any thoughts you want are to see you as a positive happy person.

Another point…of course he will post happy pictures of himself…he won’t post a pic of him being sad….but a lot of times we think our exes are happier than what they really are.

Macy

August 26, 2017 at 12:25 am #165700

nextsteps
Participant

Hello,

Really sorry to hear you are feeling low. I have felt down in the past so I can relate to how that feels. When I first started uni I also felt lonely for the first 6 months as it was all so new and I felt majorly out of my comfort zone and lost. What helped me was sometimes making myself go up to people and talk to them and try to connect over the little things. It’s hard as it’s not often the friendship you want straight away as closeness and connectedness takes time to develop but over time it can come. At that time I wasn’t really into drinking/clubbing so I found someone to just hang out with and watch tv with. I also tried to make friends with people I was in halls with, some people you will click with others you won’t, but that’s just life and nothing to do with them/you. It takes a while to find yourself and your group of friends sometimes at uni and that’s OK but you will find your group. 🙂 Perhaps try and join a club or chat to people on your course and try and make plans with them. From all the people at uni I probably today keep in contact with 3 friends so it’s quality not quantity. Also make time to go home as that’s where you feel like you have roots and belong as that will help you feel stringe to go back to college/uni with your family behind you. They just want you to be happy that’s All.

About your ex, I completely understand. It is SO hard. I would say if you need to cry, cry and just accept it for what it is-A tough time that ultimately will make you stronger. Looking at his profile is just torture. Do you have any friends from home you could ring and talk to when you are feeling down? Or talk to an online therapist. Talkspace and 7 cups of tea are good but I guess there’s loads others. Take advantage of your good days to go out and do stuff and my advice would be to listen to your body and your inner voice to guide you to do things you like which helps. When I felt depressed, it seemed like nothing gave me any joy so I didnt want to do anything but I would sometimes think I should go for a walk.. then my negative voice would creep in but I basically forced myself to go and it does help. Your body does know best. Other things that helped me were: having a nice warm shower, going to the beach, cooking a nice meal, reading a good book, spending time outside, swimming, making positive plans for the future eg run a fun run, do an online course etc.

About your course- it’s hard to choose at 18 or younger what you want to do. If you choose psychology and don’t like it, see if you can change in the first few months as I know people who did that. Ask yourself why you are doing that course? What interests you? I think it helps if you follow your passion. In many cases, for getting a job post college or university WHAT you study doesn’t really matter as work experience and a positive attitude seem to help the most so please don’t worry about choosing the wrong course- as long as you enjoy it and are passionate about it (rahl Dahl has a good quote on this) then nothing else matters.

Look after yourself

August 26, 2017 at 12:29 am #165702

nextsteps
Participant

One last point- it takes two to make a relationship work. I think women tend to blame themselves more and analyse more, but it does take two and he has responsibilt also. I think if things are meant to be they will be at some point. If not then that person was a lesson and you will have learnt a lot from knowing them. It’s really really hard, I know, but people come into your life for a reason and done stay and some don’t, but the fact that they were in your life and part of your story will never change. They are always part of your story and you theirs. If they taught you love and showed you happiness that’s a great thing. But you will be happy and feel that way again. It’s hard to see now but you will.

August 26, 2017 at 5:36 am #165716

Inky
Participant

Hi cranberry,

Universities have tons of resources and take care of dozens of students every day who are going through exactly what you are going through! Talk to your advisor and they will help you. It’s not a sign of weakness and like I said, they see dozens of students every day, especially in the first month!

Tricks that have helped me connect with other students: Nothing loosens people up and lights up their eyes like you serendipitously handing out brownies to them in class! Also, seek out the young/lost/Freshmen people on your floor/in your dorm. Tell them, “Hey, we’re going to the movies. Want to join?” Do this every month. When you are a caretaker, in a sense, of others, you will also get a reputation of being solid, a leader, a real good person to know. Another trick is to join an anime/manga/role playing/Renaissance/chess/etc. club. They will welcome you with open arms!

This is what probably happened with The Guy… After you broke up, he either didn’t know what to do, or who else to reach out to in his orbit, so in his general confusion he picked That Girl. OR, he is sending you a message passive aggressively. “Look! I’m Friends with That Girl now! Look! Look at how happy I am in ALL my photos!” Please. Even I, the realist, only post happy shiny puppy pictures. You know?

Good Luck!

Inky

August 26, 2017 at 7:04 am #165722
Eliana
Participant
Hi Cranberry,

You may have not lost your ex. Just because he is following that girl around on social media, may not mean anything is happening romantically, more of an online pen-pal. Have you done any work on your issues as such as the jealousy and other issues such as counseling? I would work on these issues and yourself. Give him some time. Maybe after a few months, give him a call, tell him, you are deeply sorry, for any hurt you may have caused him, and that you have gotten in treatment for jealousy, etc. Also, please don’t follow him around on social media because it will only make you more miserable and lonely. While you are emotionally charged, try not to have any contact with him. Delete him from social media, etc for awhile while you work on your issues and ready to talk to him again. When you do talk to him, keep it light, friendly, casual and simple. Nothing heavy. No pleading or asking him to please get back together. Don’t make it uncomfortable for him. He knows you still care. The ball is in his court. Just go slowly and become friends again and go from there.

Psychology is a great major. I have a BA in it. Stay at the University. In time, you will find yourself less overwhelmed and lonely, and you will think about him less as time goes on. You will make new memories, make new friends, get involved with new activities. It just takes time. Keep us posted.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Eliana.
September 20, 2017 at 6:28 am #169459

cranberry
Participant

Hi guys thanks so much for replying. Its very sweet to know that even though we are strangers you guys are willing to take time out of your day to give me advice and words of encouragement!!

So, I’ve joined some clubs, the Korean culture club, the Caribbean association club and best buddies!! I’ve found some people from my old school and made some connections. I don’t have any strong friend connections but it’ll happen eventually. I just need to push myself out of my comfort zone a bit. As for my major, im still on edge on what I want to do, I honestly hate all my classes at the moment. But there is this workshop for people to explore career paths and majors so I think im going to do that.

I started getting counseling on my insecurity issues and other things. I reached out to my ex because I thought if I told him I was making self improvements that he would consider dating again. We had small talk and catched up a bit but then my anxiety was going through the roof and I asked him if he think we could ever date again. He told me that he wasn’t totally against the idea but he didn’t want to give me false hope. I didn’t know how to feel about that or what to say so I just didn’t answer. My heart is still very broken and idk what to do… I know I have to stop looking at his social media but whenever I do hes following tons of new girls even ones we’ve had arguments over so it hurts. any advice?

Thanks again!!

September 20, 2017 at 7:54 am #169469

Anonymous
Guest

Dear cranberry:

Congratulations for joining three clubs and intending to attend the workshop- excellent choice in your aim to figure out what to choose for a major. Starting counseling is another excellent choice- so far five excellent choices.

Advice: if you can resist checking your ex boyfriend’s social media- that will be a good thing since following it causes you distress. He told you that he doesn’t want to give you false hope, that to me is a No to your question to him about dating again.

Also, focus on the excellent five choices that you made, get engaged and involved in each best you can, learn all you can from each one, and take it from there. Tomorrow you will know a bit better than today and the day after tomorrow you may learn something new, and so, your answers will come to you bit by bit as you continue to focus on the here-and-now of your activities and interactions.

anita
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