Home→Forums→Relationships→I miss my emotionally abusive (ex-)boyfriend.
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Eliana.
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July 21, 2016 at 4:36 am #110216
InkyParticipantThis is so long!! I am so sorry I only read through one part and skimmed the rest! In TB you’ll get the most responses if you keep things short and succinct because a lot of us don’t have tons of time, and this one deserves time to give proper feedback. That said, I’ll try to come back to this.
It sounds like this guy is an irresponsible user. I only got through the part where you moved to Spain and I am seething with rage for you!!
OMG, this guy will bleed you dry!! Change your number, block him from social media. Do NOT let him mooch off you. Now in Singapore?? Good grief!
You actually haven’t known him for that long. Once he is out of your life for good, before you know it you will have been broken up with him longer than you had known him. Then you will see clearly!
Best,
Inky
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This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by
Inky.
July 21, 2016 at 5:05 am #110219
AballaParticipantI’m so sorry it’s so long! I guess I also felt I had so much to get off my chest. The first part is just the problem I’m facing now. The rest is what I have been through in the relationship, and I don’t expect everyone to read through it all. But thank you for taking the time to reply, Inky 🙂
You’re right I haven’t known him for that long. It felt like the whole relationship was moving so quickly. After two weeks, he questioned my love for him and got really upset (over nothing) – but for me, two weeks I’m still getting to know him. I didn’t see anything wrong with the relationship until that moment he was questioning my love for him for no reason.
I didn’t want to move to Spain also because 1) it was like stepping on eggshells with him and 2) I had known him for less than a year! But anytime I mentioned it, he would get angry and accuse me of not committing to this relationship. I really wish I had stuck to my guts.
July 21, 2016 at 5:13 am #110220InkyParticipantHi Again,
This guy is desperate for money. So he will naturally gravitate towards and find the most likely girlfriend/victim. It’s survival. Also, it sounds like you are thoughtful and caring. He is high intensity. It is SO easy for us to get sucked into these personalities!!
Is it possible for you to “ghost” him and go off the grid for a while?
What will happen is he WILL move on to the next most likely supporter to leech off of. He has to. No worries there. Once you lose him he will be so long gone you can’t even find him again next year if you tried.
Inky
July 21, 2016 at 5:32 am #110221AballaParticipantHi Inky,
I have asked myself that question, whether he’s really only after money. It’s so hard to tell. Either I’m blind or he’s covering up very well. He keeps telling me how much he loves me, but how can someone who claims to love me shout at me and patronise me whenever he feels like.
There have been many times when he went shopping and his card was blocked and I had to pay for him. Not once has he ever offered to pay me back.
I don’t mind helping a loved one out with money, but if in return all I get is disrespect and no appreciation, it’s not something I can understand.
I can ‘ghost’ him – I now live on the other side of the world and I’ve blocked him on all possible forms of communication. His only way is through email which he has used to try to get back with me. However, this time he hasn’t tried to get back with me.
I’m just heartbroken. It’s like he was two completely different people when he was calm and when he lost his temper.
July 21, 2016 at 6:44 am #110225
LiquidsnakeParticipantHi Aballa,
I read through all, whatever you have written and shared and I have few suggestions for you, which you may want to try:
1. If he contacts you again in any means or form, Tell him or respond to him upfront with a chit – A chit with big numbers on it – whatever you have spent for him so far….and tell him, He needs to pay it back first, only then you can initiate atleast a formal conversation with him.
There are 2 benefits here: If he agrees and pays, it will take time for him to payback, which gives the much needed break time for both of you, and you get your money back atleast.
2nd, If he is not paying you back, you atleast know, what he is after…since there is no price tag for love.. You did everything for him out of love and he took it for granted…So, you need to be upfront and strong atleast on the financial part, considering all the financial loses you have incurred with this relationship…
2. After reading everything, I personally feel, you are the one allowed kevin to treat you like this, it may be due to love, fear, insecurity or just pity for the one you love.. it happens.. but, YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY, WHATSOEVER…PERIOD. Be bold, strong and hard enough, put your foot down and TELL him, that you need to be treated with respect in all ways, as he expects you to treat him, which you have already done almost every time…
3. After reading everything, I personally feel, everything you wrote was about how he behaved and treated you in certain situations, but, it doesn’t say anything on how you behaved in any given situation, how you responded, not reacted to him, how you communicated your love, hate or anger towards him… sometimes, we need to respond and sometimes we need to react, when we feel, we are being pulled down and not treated with respect, which we all deserve, even kevin is not an exception for this.
4. I think, he was trying to pass on his irritation, anger and helplessness to support and gather himself, on to you and you were accepting it as part of this relationship and most of the time it was out of pity and love..mixed emotions…
Be strong!! Be Brave!!! All it takes is a little bit practice and determination to be who we actually are and who we actually want to be..now that you are in singapore, he cant do anything to you even emotionally, until you allow him to do so.. cut the negative part on this behavior and focus on the positive part and make him understand the same.. sometime, you have to TELL.. sometime you have to make him FEEL.. That’s how this goes as far as I know..
Please pardon me if I’m wrong.. I wish you all success, happiness, love..and the strength to endure and be a WINNER…
July 21, 2016 at 7:19 am #110228
MandaParticipantAballa,
Dear, please go with your gut on this one. I was in the same situation as you, I went head-first into a controlling, emotionally abusive relationship without realizing it. Five years later, I found myself moved out of state. Cut off from friends, family, and my bank account bled dry.
Men like this more than likely do not change, no matter how many times they say they will. No matter how good the good times are with them, if you feel like you are walking on eggshells just to keep things complacent or to avoid an emotional outburst, then that is your number one red flag that you should not be anywhere near this person!
For your own safety, please reign in those feelings of missing him. Because I know you know that the next step from emotional abuse is physical abuse. It is not a fun ordeal. If you need to get anything back from him, do so as swiftly as possible. Personally, I found it best to cut my losses and find any way I could out.
It’s been a year and a half since I left, and I am only just now beginning to regain my sense of peace.I do hope that you find yours and that you are able to leave the abuse behind.
Best wishes,
MandaJuly 21, 2016 at 7:34 am #110229AballaParticipantHi LiquidSnake,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read everything and responding. I really appreciate it 🙂
I will definitely take your advice for point one if he contacts me again. Like you said, there are two benefits.
As for point two, I also agree with you. I’ve put my foot down so many times yet so many times I have been so weak and let him talk me out of it. I allowed him to treat me like this and that is why I’m also so mad at myself. I’ve always told myself from a young age that I am a strong woman and that I will never tolerate anything like this. I wanted to leave him after the first month but because we were living and working in the same place, I was afraid of the consequences. Every time I have told him to not talk to me in a certain way or to calm down, he turns it around and puts it all on me.
Which leads me onto the third point. Up until the last four or five months, I have managed (or at least tried) to be firm with him by not losing myself and staying calm. From about four or five months ago, I don’t think my response has been the best. Each time he blew up at me, I would raise my voice back at him. I was reaching my limit. It wasn’t a good response because he always used it against me. In hindsight, I should’ve just walked away. To be honest, I feel like I was becoming him. I felt like I wanted him to understand how he was treating me. For example, he did not like me talking to other men or my male friends. He has two females friends which he often goes to their place until late at night to drink and chit chat. I know they are just friends and I have nothing to be worried about. However, because he was always suspicious about men I came into contact with, I decided to do the same with him. It didn’t work. Instead he just used it against me.
As for showing him love, I was always the one initiating kissing and cuddles (and even sex). Often I would kiss him or cuddle him and it would go unreturned. He said it was because he couldn’t kiss or cuddle someone he argued with. But I thought I was at least trying to make things better. To be honest, I got the impression that he was just more interested in being on his computer. I also got the impression early on in the relationship that he just wanted a relationship asap without having to work for it. Once he got me that was it. He told me once that he ex-girlfriends (who all left him) complained he was ‘absent’ from the relationship.
Thank you very much for your supportive insight, LiquidSnake!! I’m already feeling better from posting on here. I just have to stay strong. I only just discovered this website and I think it’s great that people can post on here and help each other.
July 21, 2016 at 7:42 am #110230
AnonymousGuestDear aballa:
You wrote: “It’s like he was two completely different people when he was calm and when he lost his temper.”
Yes, if only he would always be calm, then all would be wonderful. If people would always be calm, there would be no abuse, no violence, no mismanagement, no dysfunction, no waste. If only.
If you were calm, you wouldn’t consider contacting him and having him live with you in Singapore. If you were calm, your thinking would be saner- you wouldn’t need to convince yourself of others that indeed, this relationship is not for your best interest and you should not re-ignite it.
It is when we are not calm that we need to be careful about our choices, about how we treat ourselves and others.
Kevin, this 36 year old man, sounds very much like a boy, as if he is still living his childhood when he was unloved. He threw temper tantrums then when he wanted a toy because when his parent bought him a toy- that was probably the closest he got to feeling loved. And so, he keeps buying himself things and having you buy him things so to feel love. Only it is a poor substitution.
When he talks to you about you needing to control your emotions, he is talking to himself. He often talks to himself ( to the image of his parent/s in his head) when he is talking to you. When he calls you selfish, he is calling his mother or father selfish. When he yells at you, he is expressing his anger at one or both of his parents. So there is little in his going-ons with you that is about you.
You wrote that you were all fine and dandy before you met him, but I wonder if this is so. In some ways, maybe. But how can you tolerate this behavior, sitting on the stairs waiting for him to finish his call and then being yelled at for sitting on the stairs. How do you tolerate this if you knew way better treatment before?
anita
July 21, 2016 at 7:45 am #110231AballaParticipantHi Manda,
I’m so sorry to hear of your ordeal. Five years is such a long time to go through. I’m truly happy that you are finally out of this ordeal and beginning to find peace.
Everything you say is so true. It’s the getting over the emotions that’s difficult.
Was it easy to leave him?
I wish you peace and happiness, Mandelion 🙂 And don’t let things get you down. I use to be that type of person who could just let things go. Now I feel I have to learn all over again.
Aballa xx
July 21, 2016 at 10:03 am #110245AballaParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you so much for reading and responding.
You’re right, I need to find the peace in me.
To answer you question, I believe I tolerated him because:
1) I still had hope. I thought that maybe moving to Spain would eradicate his problems and he would be a better person.
2) We were living and working at the same place. The company I worked for put us up in accommodation and we happened to be put in the same house. And this house was right next to our work place. I was afraid of the consequences.
3) I also had feelings for him.
You are spot on about his troubled childhood and he often refers back to his childhood using it as an excuse for the way he is. Sometimes it feels like he’s feeling sorry for himself.
July 21, 2016 at 10:11 am #110246MandaParticipantAballa,
It is alright, what I went through has taught me lessons that I wouldn’t have learned otherwise. As I’m sure you have as well.
It was difficult to leave. All of that time I had built an emotional investment, it could be called a dependency even, that had me feeling much the same way- knowing that the relationship was toxic but not wanting to give up the familiarity. Even reasoning couldn’t get through for the longest time. But eventually it’s just deciding what is best for you and what is needed for you to grow.
So I would say, sit with your feelings of missing him. Experience them, but don’t act on them. It’s a process, but you’re already away from him, and that’s the largest part of the battle.You’ve got this!
MandaJuly 21, 2016 at 10:50 am #110250AnonymousGuestDear aballa:
You are welcome.
As to reason #1: ” I still had hope. I thought that maybe moving to Spain would eradicate his problems and he would be a better person.” Unfortunately it doesn’t matter where he moves physically- a new location, new life circumstances by themselves will not eradicate his problems, not even close. Only therapy would, that is only if he travels into his mind and past…
Reason #2 no longer applies. Reason #3- you having feelings for him, an attachment, a desire to help him, to see more and more of his calm side, more of the loving and lovable child that he was (still shows at times, doesn’t it?)- if you return to a relationship with him, you will again see him calm and you will again see the boyish glitter in his eye, the desire to love, the desire to live a better life. You will see those things because you already did, but you will see his abusive self in between those good sights. And it will cost you more money. Those good sights will indeed continue to be very expensive for you, in currency and in emotion.
About him using his childhood as an excuse- if he is using it as an excuse for his abusive behavior then sure, he needs to stop his abuse no matter what his childhood was like. If he uses his childhood as an excuse to him living his life so far in self defeating ways, then he is right. He was set up as we all do. And he needs to take on healing himself, do all the work even though he was set up to having the problems that plague him.
You can’t heal him- you are not a therapist AND if you were, you couldn’t ethically therapeut your own boyfriend (the objectivity required could not be there for you).
Whatever is drawing you to contact him for more of the same- that is … for you to heal in yourself.
Post again, anytime.
anita
July 21, 2016 at 11:25 am #110254
kbearbuddahParticipantHello,
Sorry to hear about your struggle. I’ve experienced a very similar relationship. You MUST research Narcissist Personally Disorder. You are about to find out that you are FAR FROM ALONE WITH WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. Trust me on this, do your research then do what ever you have to do to stay away from this man. Go absolutely NO CONTACT! It’s the only way to save your own self respect and sanity. I promise, by the time he is done with you…You will be no more than a shell of the person you once were. Please keep telling yourself you love yourself enough to let go.
GOOD LUCK!
July 21, 2016 at 3:02 pm #110272
ThomasSParticipantHI Aballa
Your story is full of pain and of lessons that you can learn from in the right setting. I echo those above who say you are not alone. Alcoholics for example can be abusive and controlling in their relationships, causing their partner to presume all the problems are them to solve, when in fact it is manufactured by the Alcoholic. The Suggestion that your ex-boyfriend has Nassissistic Personality Disorder may be another place to explore. But these things are suggestions for you and you need to choose your path out of this.
Posting your disappointment and pain like this is something you should consider taking to a self help group. There are many. I have ongoing issues that I take to a 12 step group such as Al-Anon – while I do not have alcoholics in my life, I am still impacted by them.
I go so I can remember I am not alone, I am not the only one feeling these problems, and I am not the problem, it is the other.
The mind may have it’s logic, but the Heart has it’s way also – missing your abusive ex is work you need to do emotionally, and that is best done in safe places like this place.
I still recommend finding a place to talk where you are face to face with people, and you can laugh, cry and sigh safe to do so. An anonymous fellowship worked for me. A Pscycologist worked for me. A family member on the phone worked for me. A doctor did not work for me. A diary did not work for me. A stranger in the street did not work for me.
Find what works for you.
T
July 22, 2016 at 6:55 pm #110311
MamaDParticipantHello Aballa,
I walked beside my daughter as she struggled to recover from an abusive marriage and have now worked with women who are trying to escape from abusive relationships for several years. Your story is heartbreaking to read and it is all too familiar to me. In many ways, emotional / verbal abuse is more damaging to a person than physical abuse because it destroys one’s sense of self.Abuse is not about love…it is all about power and control. It also gets worse over time, not better, and even with extensive therapy only an extremely small percentage of abusive men will change. Your ex-partner displays the behaviours of a classic abuser, and there is absolutely nothing you personally can do that will make him see the error of his ways and change….no amount of love towards him, no amount of explanations, no amount of second chances, no difference in where he lives, no difference in jobs, no difference in your behaviour or how you react to his abuse. His abusive behaviour has to do with him and his mindset. It is not about you.
I would like to recommend an excellent book entitled “Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft. It is the book we recommend to all of our clients and I believe you will get some very valuable and helpful insights from it. The author has worked extensively with abusive men and knows how they think and operate…and he has written the book for the women.
For your own emotional safety and well-being I hope you can keep your resolve to end the relationship for good. You will recover….but please be gentle with yourself and give yourself some time. If you can find a good support group for abused women or counselling agency that understands the dynamics and consequences of abuse, you might also find those very helpful.
Take care.
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