I miss her

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This topic has 16 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 4 months ago by Anonymous.

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June 14, 2018 at 11:28 am #212487

Richie
Participant

Hi all I’m a new guy,

I’ve been browsing these forums for a bit and I thought the advice given here could help keep some demons at bay and help to clear my mind.

A few months ago I started dating someone, we hit it off instantly. She really is a special person and we texted regularly, dated often. She was upfront about being scared about how fast things were going, I tried to ensure we kept things as slow as possible to suit her but she was more than willing to push things further. After roughly 3 weeks she told me she isn’t ready to date anyone and she had rushed into things. She’d admitted it had been a few months since her and her ex and split up and she still loved him (though had no intentions of ever getting back with him)

She offered friendship which, unusually for me, I took. I’ve tried to be friendly with her, message her maybe every few days or every other week but she seems cold to me now.

I fell for her, I tried not to but things clicked. Now when I try to contact her, her messages are short and never seem to further any conversation.

What did I do wrong? I know from past experiences that I’m not what people want, I’m nothing special. I’m finding it difficult to move on but i’d genuinely like to stay friends because of how much we had in common and how easy it used to be to talk to her.

June 14, 2018 at 11:56 am #212497
Xenia
Participant
Richie,

From where I stand you did nothing wrong. It is not about you at all. She is not interested for whatever reason – still in love with ex, not ready, full moon… Doesn’t matter. What matters is that she does not want to be your girlfriend. I would advise to cut your losses and move on. There will be a girl out there who is happy to see you and your text messages. I know it’s easier said than done but this is how I see it.

Good luck!
- This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by Xenia.
June 14, 2018 at 2:17 pm #212507

Sunita
Participant

Hi Richie,

It sucks when this happens. It’s ok to miss her but sometimes being friends with someone who you actually have romantic feelings for is just plain going to hurt you. You need to be sure that you could handle her being with another new guy and not being bothered by it. If you can’t imagine that then there’s no real friendship. It’s a smokescreen for your true feelings and she probably knows that. You have to turn all that longing you have for her in on yourself. Start building your self esteem. You have just written some not very nice things about yourself. Try to change the tape that’s playing in the background. And remember, she is just one person. Yes she may have for whatever reason rejected you but there will be women who will adore you. Caveat.. you must start to feel good about yourself first… This girl is rejecting you but she is just mirroring how you are treating yourself. Try to see it as a lesson. You deserve far far more.

June 15, 2018 at 3:22 am #212563

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Richie:

You wrote: “I know from past experiences that I’m not what people want, I’m nothing special”- will you elaborate on this statement?

And a question: can you imagine being special in someone’s mind and heart, how would that feel like, to you?

anita

June 15, 2018 at 11:15 am #212611

Richie
Participant

Experience over the years has shown me that I’m not what people are after, relationships (whilst rare) usually come to an end due to a partner cheating or finding someone else. I’ve spent the last 4 years single (I think it’s been 4 years), i’ve tried dating on and off, it’s mostly a case of being stood up, ridiculed, contact cut instantly once they see a photo of me that is day-to-day, vomiting (yup i’ve had a woman on the verge of throwing up because I suggested we get a drink).

It’s a combination of things that lead me to search deep inside and realise that the only common denominator is myself. Some people have a large active circle of friends, a loving partner, etc. Some of us live alone.

I guess it’s possible I could be special to somebody but it’s unlikely, the ones that have said that before are gone as they realised I wasn’t worth the effort. I don’t have any skills or talents that anybody else couldn’t also attain. It’d be a nice feeling but I can’t see it happening.

June 15, 2018 at 12:34 pm #212617

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Richie:

I read your recent post and it is not easy for me to reply to. I need more information, information that you have. You wrote that you were “stood up, ridiculed, contact cut instantly once they see a photo of me.. vomiting”-

What did a woman (or women) say to you or about you that constituted a ridicule?

When a woman (or women) cut contact with you instantly once they saw a photo of you, is that online, on a dating site? If so, I know that people cut contact on dating sites very often, forgetting to get back to a particular person, getting involved with another, distracted… it may have nothing to do with your photo. What evidence do you have that you were rejected because of your photo?

And the vomiting.. can you elaborate on that incidence, the circumstances of it, what happened?

* I will be away from the computer for about 14 hours. I hope to read from you when I am back. I hope that further communication between you and I can help you (and me) understand your situation better. With better understanding, more effective ways to go about dating are possible.

anita

June 15, 2018 at 12:45 pm #212621

Xenia
Participant

Regarding vomiting:

don’t know what happened to that woman who supposedly was on the verge of throwing up but it may have had nothing to do with you. In my worst times suffering from anxiety, I was quick to throw up any time I was nervous. Maybe she was nervous when you suggested a drink and that’s what you witnessed and it had nothing to do with you.

Anyway, Anita is right – more info would help.

June 15, 2018 at 1:10 pm #212623

Richie
Participant

I’ll tackle the real world encounters first:

Ridicule has been laughter, comments to belittle me for suggesting a date, the vomiting was because I have a (trimmed) beard and they are disgusting (I wish I were making this up but she was dry heaving and saying ‘oh my god that’s disgusting’).

Online:

Ghosting happens frequently, i’ve started to acknowledge that it’s how things are now and it’s considered acceptable. As is standing a date up, it’s easier to not show up than it is to say you’re not going to attend.

The photo part was after a few days on good conversation, she asked if I had any better photos of myself that don’t involve a hat or sunglasses, she immediately removed me as a contact (on tinder doing this means the conversation is deleted and you can no longer contact the person).

I’ve learnt to keep a wall up to protect myself, not get involved and see any dates as nothing more than a drink and a chat with someone. I try to be honest about how I approach dating so that I don’t hurt others. If someone approaches me and I don’t think it’s a match i’ll politely decline, talk to them about it and (if it’s a real life encounter who I know of already) check up the next day to make sure they’re ok. I’m under no illusions that romance has to be there for both parties, nobody is owed anything.

With the girl i’ve asked advice about we met online but we have mutual friends, went to the same college, share the same interests, have similar hobbies. We both admitted feelings towards the other, kept in contact nearly each day and saw each other fairly regularly. I, like a fool, let down the defences I had built up and allowed myself to feel something for her. She then decides she isn’t ready to date but would like to stay friends, ever since she gives short responses to messages and never instigates them. I feel bad because I would genuinely like to stay friends, if she decided she was ready to date and found someone else then I would be happy for her – I have one ex partner who I still consider a friend.

I can’t shake the feeling that she realised that what she thought I was and the reality of who I am are entirely different things, she ended it because she realised I’m really nothing. It hurts but it’s not at all surprising.

June 15, 2018 at 1:34 pm #212625

Mark
Participant

Richie,

With this new girl/woman you started to date, she may be very well still hung up with her former partner. I have encountered many women who thought they were over their ex but not. Walk away. No need to be put into the Friend Zone if you are more interested in a romantic relationship. Move on.

Good for you for noticing that you are the common denominator in failed attempts in dating/romantic relationships. I have been single for 6 years. Now I have this wonderful, deeply intimate romantic relationship. Before I have made friends with women , single unattached and attached including those who are married. These are friends with no intent of creating a romantic relationship. I believe that this has helped me to be comfortable with myself and with others on a close level. You may want to consider this approach.

Mark

June 15, 2018 at 1:48 pm #212627

Richie
Participant

I think rather a lot of my friends are female, there’s no romantic interest involved. I often go to my best friends for coffee and a chat, i’ve been there for her and she’s been there for me.

I don’t see it as a friend zone, I saw this as a genuine offer of friendship and one I think would be good – we had the same views on things and the majority of the time we spent dating was spent talking. I’m not going to kiss and tell, I find it rather crass, I’ll just say there was intimacy and leave it as that. It’s the conversation that I miss the most, I enjoy talking to people with similar interests.

I am the common denominator but there’s little I can do to change that, plastic surgery may but it’s drastic and stupidly expensive. To change my personality and the entire essence of who I am, what I like, what I dislike.. It’d require a factory reset that isn’t possible to do.

June 16, 2018 at 2:36 am #212657

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Richie:

What you are saying, then, is that your face is repulsive and women are repulsed by the look of your face, in a photo and in person, so much so that they ghost you on line and feel the urge to vomit in person. I am trying to visualize such a face as I am typing this, visualizing different faces that may be considered most unattractive. Next I visualize that face smiling that genuine smile, where the eyes are smiling as well, that reaching out kind of smile, tender and open and my goodness, that face looks very attractive to me, so much so that the visual is lingering in my mind.

What is it about your personality that you think requires changing (“To change my personality…”)?

I am not referring to the woman you posted about at this point because the core beliefs you brought up, that you are physically and otherwise repulsive, undesirable, these core beliefs are blocking my view of the particular relationship you posted about.

anita

June 16, 2018 at 4:17 am #212665

Richie
Participant

I think it’s the entirety of who I am that needs changing. I’ve been in this skin for 32 years, I help others where I can, I like when people laugh, I enjoy company, I prefer to live a life of being self sufficient and reusing old rather than new, I travel and enjoy new experiences. I’ve been told i’m too nice, I’ll offer lifts if someone is in need. Things like that. I’ve had people who I saw as friends who didn’t enjoy my company unless it benefited them in some way – a refusal to come over for coffee (and from third parties I know this is because i’m ‘strange’) but more than happy to know me when a vehicle needs fixing.

I can tell by looking at other people I know of and their relationships that the qualities I possess are flaws, men should enjoy sports and not read, the ones who have a long term partner are the men who are aggressive by nature, unafraid to talk to their spouse negatively.

I have been told by people that I look stupid if I smile, that my laugh is grating, that I will not achieve anything in life because of how I look.

I guess the solution to the question I asked is to delete her number and never contact her again. I should know that my place in life is that of solitude and make the most of it.

June 16, 2018 at 4:53 am #212669

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Richie:

On one hand you believe you are flawed and therefore deserving others’ rejection. On the other hand you are angry at others who use you to fix their car but wouldn’t have you for coffee.

If your belief that you are flawed and deserving of being rejected was complete, you wouldn’t be angry at people for treating you accordingly. But part of you doesn’t believe that you are flawed and deserving of being rejected.

Your solution, “my place in life is that of solitude and make the most of it” is not sustainable because you are conflicted, you don’t fully believe this one thing and you don’t fully believe the other thing.

People go through their whole lives (I have, decades and I see it in many others) believing what is not true, about themselves. A whole lifetime.

anita

June 16, 2018 at 5:20 am #212675

Richie
Participant

How do I judge which beliefs are untrue? I look at how others treat me and see conflict within their own actions

June 16, 2018 at 5:35 am #212683

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Richie:

It is not easy. Best way to go about it is the scientific way, gathering evidence and considering the evidence, evaluating the evidence, going about it from the position of a cross between a scientist and a courtroom lawyer, taking all factors into consideration, not ignoring any. Forming your decisions based on all evidence, following observations, research, asking questions, evaluating the answers for honesty and truthfulness.

This combined scientist/ lawyer approach is what is the principle behind Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

anita
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