Dear Chau:

Welcome back and good to read from you!

I wish this woman friend has told you from the very beginning the situation with her ex girlfriend. If it was just over when she started communicating with you, I would  imagine it was significant enough to share with you, as a friend and a potential girlfriend, that a previous relationship just ended. And when it resumed, she should have told you clearly, not vaguely, from the very beginning. I understand your resentment. I think you need a very honest, transparent woman as your future girlfriend.

Maybe you should share with her how you feel about the situation, see how she responds?

anita

Dear Chau:

In my mind, her behavior is not a deal breaker, wouldn’t be with me at this point in my  life. Like you I understand people are afraid, uncomfortable, at times selfish and unaware, and her misleading of you was not well thought of and therefore it was not devious. I would say, get to know her more as a friend. But notice, if it distresses you too much, don’t.

Thing is we won’t do much in life if we avoided anything and everything that distresses us. Sometime we have to endure distress and proceed. Is this friendship worth it, worth enduring your distress? Maybe yes, maybe not. I think that you will soon find out. I hope to read more from you about this friendship (and about anything else) soon enough.

Take good care of yourself, I will do the same.

anita

Dear Chau:

You are welcome. The problem I see in you continuing the friendship with her, is that you are a very monogamous kind of person. I think you focus on one woman, be it an ex girlfriend or a potential future girlfriend, and you stay focused on that one woman, not being emotionally available to meet someone else. This leads me to think that in the context of a friendship with this woman, you will be waiting and waiting for her to see you as a good option for her as a girlfriend, to separate from her partner and turn to you.

This dynamic cannot be congruent with a friendship. It is more like you auditioning for the position of a girlfriend. If I am correct, if I am, then a non-romantic friendship with her is not possible, not until and unless you have another girlfriend.

But then, how will you have another girlfriend if you are focused on her…

anita

Dear Chau:

When the hope is for love, there is no such thing as “a tiny hope”. The need to love and be loved cannot be tiny, not when we have needed it  for too long. I would say, probably, “that’s about it”. I think you need to aim at meeting a woman who is available, honest, straightforward and interested in a monogamous love relationship, just  like you. Aim at it, then proceed with a sensible plan toward achieving that aim.

anita

Dear Chau:

You are welcome. I think that a healthy,  loving relationship can be an objective attended to with intent and a plan, similar to a professional objective. Relationships don’t have to be a random thing, a hit and miss thing.

anita

Dear Chau:

You are welcome. Reads like a good choice. Anger and discomfort are not congruent with a friendship. I wish she was straightforward with you from the very beginning. You need that from a person.

anita

You should stop lying to yourself and move on.

Yes, I know you said “I can’t move on.” That’s a lie. You can move on. You just don’t want to.

You should understand that what you’re feeling has been felt by seven billion other people. This is part of being human. As you go through life, you will fall for people who are not available. This will hurt. You move on. Your ability to move on is one of the markers of an emotionally mature adult.

Hello Anita

I am good, thank you for always checking on me 🙂

Thanks for digging out this post. Because of this I re-read this thread. I realized, my ex has not changed at all. The initial perception of her, not able to be completely honest, emotionally unavailable, actually still existed by the time we broke up. When I read how I wrote what happened then, It sounds like that ‘I’ was more assertive, clear-headed and probably more in-tune my heart. I was in a better state when I was not dating her!

She probably did open up a bit in between, but that was not long lasting. That was not her. She did it because of me, becuase i wanted clarity, because I wanted more answers/ connectedness from her. It was not a change that came from herself.

A couple of things happened these days. I dreamed of her breaking up with me twice in the past two weeks, it got me upset for a while, as if my process went backwards. I have been visiting shelters to really want to see if i could adopt a cat or a dog. I started my 10k running plan again. I managed to do headstand which i wanted to do for a while, but didn’t really put effort or engaged in training before my break up. I registered for volunteering.

The other day I bought my ex a tin of Garrett popcorn and put it in the yoga studios that we go, since the stores are closing in my city. She likes this store very much. I didn’t think too much before I bought this, Initially I thought i wanted to have some sort of process(don’t know, may be talk again?) with this gesture, but later on i realized i don’t need it, or may be i don’t even want it.  I do want her to feel happy or appreciatve towards this, but, she doesn’t need to talk to me. I am happy that she felt happy(which she said so and was thankful for). After that, I felt that I have let go of something, coz i realize, I really don’t need to talk to her.

Regarding  your last post about my fear of being ‘stuck’. I did ponder on it a bit, i think there is a differnce between getting stuck with something i didn’t like / didn’t choose vs I did. For now, I am choosing my own life so I should be happy sticking with it/them. i did feel a bit loosen up afterwards, which lead me to proceed with my adoption.

This weekend, I am going to meet with a new person whom i met in a course that i attended a few weeks ago.It was a rainy day and we were outdoor, she approached me with her umbrealla coz i was only wearing raincoat(which was not enough under such heavy rain), that got us start talking, i asked her to see if she wanted to hike another time and she quickly said yes.

I found her really caring, she asked when i usually wake up so as to decide when we should meet, she is the one who suggested all the restaurants and let me choose. it’s a very different feeling from my ex whom I need to lead a bit more at times. I felt warm and taken care of somehow. I am unsure if she is gay or not, but it definitely feels good to meet a new friend who gives you positive energy. This time I will remember the qualities that i am looking for, honesty, monogamy, straghtforwardness. Let’s see if this goes anywhere.

Have a great morning on your side

Clara