Hi Anita

Equally happy here to read from you. I hope life is treating you well

We did talk about it eventually. I told her it’s not fair that we got close while she had a girlfriend, and the thing that i scared/ hate the most is being the reserve to her relationship. I think a lot of it comes from the betrayal last time too, my senses towards these related situation are basically heightened.

I think as she realized I was angry and upset about her conscious/unconscious hiding of her having a partner, she  did confide to me on her relationship history and status. I think part of her really didn’t want to talk about her partner, just because it also consists of lots of negative emotions, involving betrayal, distanced and hurt.

She did say sorry for doing/not doing whatever that we talked about(saying it out earlier, doing something to not lead me on etc). I think part of my trust that, just because i think it really isn’t a topic that she would bring up easily to anyone. But part of me do not, just because i feel like she could easily tell me these even in a causal way, so i feel i was lead on . And also i can’t deny my feelings that i feel used, and hurt and angry.

She did tell me that she thought of developing a relationship with me, until a point where her partner came back to her and thus things got changed.

I don’t know if i should cut her off, while in a way, we are just friends, and also i think i do like talking to her. But part of me feels angry and upset, and i do care for her and i know it’s a difficult time for her.

She knew that i had that thought, of cutting her off. She did say at one point, that she would let me think and decide on it.

So I am kinda stuck now. I am thinking to cut off from her, but part of me, understand what is going on with her and want to support her, but gradually, i feel like it is at an expense of my emotional wellbeing

I hope that makes sense. Thanks so much for reading, looking forward to your next reply

Cheers

Chau

Thanks Anita

It does create a bit of distress when I interact with her, I unconsciously built up some expectation towards our interaction, such as expecting some texts from her sooner or later in the day. Or if I don’t hear her from the morning, a sense of uneasiness would build up.

And I am slightly concerned if I get more attached and involved, it will eventually lead me to a point that I feel even harder to detach, it’s alright if she is single, but given that she had a girlfriend I just don’t know if this is where I should be heading to

I think I am scared of falling in love with a person that I shouldn’t.

Mentally I am trying to adjust myself to becoming a friend, keep reminding myself that she has a partner, and that if I just text her when I miss her, it might not be appropriate. It’s hard to eradicate some feelings that I have already established.

She does respond to me, and she does initiate conversation. Now thinking, it’s not easy for her to know at the back of her mind that I might just cut her off anytime, she could have just said we should cut off. But she did say she felt apologetic and so she would let me decide on it, instead of the other way round. In a way, I appreciate how she is mending this.

I totally get it when you say whether it’s worthy of the discomfort associated with maintaining this friendship with her. I will I will need to gauge how discomfort it is for me to continue like this, my decision basically swing from total cut off to maintaining like this day to day, can’t have a concrete answer and thus I don’t want to say it to her in haste

A little bit about her is that I feel very very at ease when talking to her. It’s the basic for a friendship and I think we share similar perspective in a lot of different things. And thus it makes it even harder to let go of her coz I think we can be really really good friends, if we hadn’t developed feelings at some point for each other.

Another thing is the sight or something the suspect of her being with her partner does irritate me. Part of me dislikes it very much, I don’t know since when I attribute a lot of the negative feelings to her having a partner, but I have to say it seems disproportionally strong, given that my friend and I have done nothing that crossed the line.

Hope it’s not too long-winded. Thanks for reading and understanding as always.

Feel free to give me some feedback if there is any

Cheers

Chau

Dear Anita

I think you are pretty right haha, I am a pretty monogamous person.

I think at the back of my mind I am still not treating her as just a friend, and thus that’s where the cut off from her comes from.  I think it’s more about whether I have made up my mind to really JUST be friend, or cling on to a tiny hope that she actually would break up with her partner and is available later.

I guess if i can adjust my expectation to not treat her as potential girlfriend even when we continue to interact, then we can continue as friends. But if i can’t adjust my expectation and keep lingering on the hope that she will turn to me, then i guess i can’t be friends with her?

I guess that’s about it?

Chau

Hi Anita

Thanks you for inspiring me

You are right I shouldn’t really hope for this while the situation is actually quite clear. She has a girlfriend, and is not available. That’s all. Thinking back it sounds quite silly, but yea, I think i need to ruminate a bit to realize it.

The quality that you described, sounds like something that I am looking for as well.

Thanks for your kind words as always!

Chau

hi anita and all

thanks for the advice

i have tried to sink in what has happened and eventually i have decided to take a break from her. before that, we were still contacting everyday even after everything was clear. although we were just chatting on random things, but i realized whenever i suspected she was with her gf(she never explicitly told in these few months that she has gone out with her partner, so in a way i feel like any moment can be a time with her partner), i feel pretty uncomfortable

i just needed to recaliberate everything, just to readjust being a friend first. she has also hinted that she wouldnt break up with her partner even if there is someone whom she might be interested in while she was dating.

its been a few days since i stopped contacting her, its a bit uneasy at times. but i think this is the right move,  i have this anger and sad emotions that gradually flow out, which isnt good for any kind of relationship, friendship included.

its like a mutual agreement in a way, i did talk to her on a why and we did have a discussion before we stop contacting.

thanks for the advice all along

cheers

chau