OMG, gailicgirl,

My heart goes out to you. But WAY TO GO, you are a Warrior Woman!! That’s absolutely right, HE has to tell you he wants a divorce! And not only that, you have kids now. Not to put down single parents (hi, my Mom!) but a divorce would be absolutely devastating. For no reason. There, I said it!

If he comes at you with “I love you but I’m not in love with you”, or even the “divorce” word, you know what you say?

“I don’t buy it.”

He will be stunned and have to seriously think about his “decision” based on feelings.

If he presses, repeat, “I don’t buy it. You spent months courting me, and winning me over. I married you out of the goodness of my heart. So for you to change your mind? Sorry, I don’t buy it.”

He will then have to work on the marriage, leave it alone until he gets over it, or do all the messy divorce work himself. Aside from maybe getting or continuing a job, don’t do anything unless you have to.

Get the old book Kosher Adultery, How to Seduce and Sin with your Spouse.

If you stay married, in five years he’ll be over this stage. Like the flu.

Good Luck,

Inky

Ohya! And also don’t forget to spend time doing things you love, on your own!
Doing things that you love, your hobby(handicraft? outdoor sports? inventing new dishes? painting new art pieces? explore and learn new cultures? spending time bonding and doing fun stuffs with children? ) will make you a happier person even without anyone else!

Divorce is your last option. But do this:
Work on yourself (workout, lose weight if you need to – get in the shape of your life).
Take this time to focus on YOU (this may be a phase for him…guys say stupid stuff sometimes…what can I tell you…)
If you do opt out for a divorce, make sure you are READY to hit the streets, dating is….a whole other extreme sport so be ready for that.
Make sure he keeps the children an equal amount of time. (one week off and one week on work best…you will need to redo your life and find a new romance….this whole thing where guys keep their kids every other weekend is very tough for the woman…and quite frankly totally unfair.)

Stay strong – keep going – there’s more to life….there’s happiness 🙂

@gaelicgirl said:
That little sentence hit me like a ton of bricks. 15 years together, 10 years married, and 2 children later I thought that things were good, maybe not terrific, like our honeymoon years, but happy. Apparently, I was wrong. It’s been about 6 months since he said those words to me and we’ve been working on things only to be having problems again. He loves me but he doesn’t love me the way he did a year ago, 5 years ago, or when we married (he actually told me this). He’s not cheating on me so it just makes me a bit crazy to think that he can fall out of love when I seemingly thought things were fine. It was a tough pill to swallow. I lived and breathed in the deepest depression, fighting to stay in “survival mode” for my kids sake. The funny part is that now after dealing with all the pain, grief, and stress of it all I feel…better. Almost like I’m at peace, even though my husband still hasn’t made up his mind about us. I think I’m okay because its a defense mechanism. I can’t go on living and working in that deep dark place so I need to move on and try to find some joy in my daily life. After finding this website and reading the articles and posts I feel stronger knowing that I am not alone. For some strange reason I’m okay. I’m taking one day at a time and trying not to overwhelm myself with the future. I’m still not certain what I’m going to do… though honestly, I’m going to wait for him to tell me his answer. My husband made his choice and now I want him to tell me to my face that he no longer loves me and wants a divorce. I’m not going to bail him out and say I want a divorce. I feel he needs to accept responsibility for his choices and actions. Once he tells me what he wants I will make a decision whether or not to stay with him. I think that is fair.

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Hi gaelicgirl,

eventhough I’m not very experienced in married life, but from what I read from your post, I have a differing view.
This might or might not be what your husband is going through, but I find it important to let you know, and hope you can stay blissful with your husband, kids and life.

From what I understand, so far everything has been quite smooth sailing, and because it has been many years, maybe what he is going through is a little bit of doubt with his life. He might be feeling too comfortable with everything, and thus the burning passion has calmed down, and it’s just there burning on its own quietly but he mistook it as ‘he lost the feeling of loving you’. But as he said, he still loves you, and is totally faithful and not cheating on you, so I think maybe you can try to get that passion burning strongly again? (Many things takes 2 hands to clap. You should not give up just because he thinks he don’t love you.) What if he was wrong about his own thinking? It might end up as a great mistake for both your lifes. You can try to make him feel more loved, like organising family outing? Picnics? Or let someone trustable take care of your kids, and go on a 2-person date alone! Watch your old videos with him? Your old wedding photos and videos and the vows? Dress up for the special occasion and talk to him calmly about what you think , it might after all work out.

As long as he doesn’t do anything unfaithful, I’m sure his heart is still with you, because afterall, you guys have been together for so many years. I’m sure it’s because of both of you working hard in this relationship, so don’t give up.

Because we are all humans, I know it might not sound right for someone to get ‘bored’ of their smooth sailing life or relationship, but it isn’t impossible. We all need a little enthusiasm and excitment sometime in our life to make things fun and stuff. 🙂

Hope everything works out well for you!!
My best wishes~

Hello gaelicgirl,

I’m sorry for the pain you’re feeling and, up front, I’m not going to pretend I know what you’re going through as I can only imagine. What I’ll provide here is only the input of a man who can only give an opinion about how he presumably would deal with your situation.

That being said, you have to understand that when these types of situations happen, it is always about suppressed emotions or new discoveries. Each day we find ourselves in different paths, different decisions, changes that happened. Sometimes we just look back into what we wanted from years ago and think that we’ve made the wrong choices or that “this isn’t the life we wanted”.
I suspect that, your husband, did love you and still loves you very much, just not in a way that makes him happy enough with his life. And, if that’s the case, you have to remember that it hasn’t got anything to do with you and everything to do with him. He probably got into the old story of growing, getting a job, getting married, having kids and one day he woke up and didn’t like what he saw.
I know it’s hard but you should look at this as a liberating event. It’s better this way, you should only be married to a person who fully wants you and progresses with you every day. Also this is a great opportunity for you to focus on what you really want and how bigger you can also become, both for yourself and your kids.

But I know that letting go in this case is what’s causing you pain. The best way to solve this is to have a blunt conversation. Let him be honest about what he wants and what he feels. It might cause even more pain so I’d only advice this if you’re ready for it and if he’s ready because I presume he wants to spare you from any more tears he might inflict upon you.

That’s the reason I think he doesn’t provide an answer. He doesn’t know it as well or he’s too afraid of admitting it to you. It’s not good to force it either but if he doesn’t help you, you have to assume that’s a cue to move on, start fresh and work your way back to being a great happy woman.

Remember, we all fall and we get depressed, it’s our choice to stay down and we always have the power to stand up again.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Best of luck my dear.