Home→Forums→Relationships→I love my boyfriend but I still care about my ex
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November 25, 2018 at 7:47 am #248441
talahParticipantMy ex was my first proper love, and we ended things just over a year ago because he wasn’t ready to settle down and he was still young, which I understand. (We got together at 17, he’s 20 now). I moved on with a guy who was my best friend as well as my boyfriend, and he made me so happy, we’ve been together since last October, and we’ve done a lot of things together. A few days ago I found out my ex was brutally beat up and ended up in hospital. I messaged to see if he was okay and asked if I can see him and he said that was okay, but he just got released from the hospital, so I went to visit him in his home. I told my current boyfriend about this, and he said he wasn’t happy but he will not stop me, but he was furious and angry toward me.
When I went to visit my ex, we were catching up on everything and saw how much we’ve grown as a person, he was much more mature. We spoke for hours.. he told me how he still loves me and I will always be in his heart and how much he regrets everything and that he would do anything for another chance, for us to build together. He has a girlfriend but he says it’s not the same, he will always love me and would drop everything for me. We cried together expressing ourselves, and I cried telling him how he made me feel when he left me and he cried too regretting it all. I denied having any feelings or missing him, I only told him I care about him. I told him lets be friends because there’s nothing more I can do… it’s too late… I’m in a serious relationship and I don’t want him to drop everything for me. He told me he doesn’t care, he’s not afraid of how he feels and he will run away with me to start a new life, I told him we can’t run away, it’s not the right way and I would never be selfish like that. We agreed to be friends and be there for each other always, then I left his house and we hugged for long and said our goodbyes.
After leaving him, I could not stop thinking about him. My boyfriend wouldn’t speak to me and when he did, he said he needed time to think if he wants to be with me, I stayed up crying all night and my ex would be there for me as a friend on the phone telling me he wouldn’t leave me etc. I went to see my boyfriend a day later and he was so blunt with me and being very cold toward me so I eventually left to go home.
The next day I went to see my boyfriend again early in the morning because I missed him so much and did not want to lose him, we eventually sorted things out which I’m happy about but… why can’t I stop thinking about my ex? I don’t want to get back with him because of the way of the way our lives are and we couldn’t even if we wanted to. But why do I want to see him and speak to him? Is it wrong to feel like this? I honestly don’t know what to do, I already have other problems and this is just making me feel worse.
My boyfriend said if it happens again (me seeing him) I would have to face consequences and he’d leave me. I understand this and I want to be with him, but I cannot fully let go of my ex.
November 25, 2018 at 8:55 am #248457
SelkieParticipantHi Talah- First of all, that was a very kind thing for you to do- to go visit your ex after he’d been brutally beat up. The fact that your boyfriend was ‘furious and angry’ about you doing this kind act is a huge red flag. I know you love your boyfriend, but his behavior toward you does not sound very loving. I don’t know all the details here of course, but it sounds like your boyfriend is kind of controlling and harsh. Perhaps that’s why your ex is on your mind.
Maybe you should ask yourself this: when you were dating your ex , how did he usually make you feel? If it was good, do you feel AS GOOD with your current boyfriend as you did with your ex? If the answer is no, it may be time to move on.
November 25, 2018 at 9:19 am #248459talahParticipantHello Selkie, and thank you for your reply. My ex did treat me well at some point but when things changed we just went our own ways, he was never aggressive toward me. There was a bit of jealousy in our relationship but we were young and I’ve realized it was wrong. My current boyfriend is usually open minded about me having guy friends but he told me there was no point me seeing my ex as he’s only an ex and he’s nothing to me now, he told me I don’t have my priorities straight. I do love my boyfriend and he treats me so nice like no one ever has, he knows me inside out and looks after me well, I don’t think I’d find this with anyone again, but when he gets angry, his actions toward me hurt. He acts really cold and pushes me away but he is not a bad person… he is not controlling and would never stop me from doing what I want, but he will definitely express his emotions after. My ex and my boyfriend both made me feel good in different ways, I don’t know how to compare that. I don’t want to be with my ex at the moment, I am happy right now but I won’t say I would never consider it in the future if things turn out differently, but I do still want him in my life… I don’t know how as I can’t see him again, as my boyfriend would not forgive me and I know it is wrong but even texting or a phone call sometime would be fine for me. I honestly don’t know. I am not even sure if I should tell my ex how I’m feeling, I don’t know what is right and wrong anymore either. I really do appreciate any advice as I have nobody to talk to about this.
November 25, 2018 at 11:31 am #248505
AnonymousGuestDear talah:
I wonder if you know any details about the circumstances around the brutal beating of your ex boyfriend (it may be relevant to your current conflict)?
anita
November 25, 2018 at 11:34 am #248507talahParticipantHi anita,
He was robbed and beaten after the club by a random group of people.
November 25, 2018 at 11:52 am #248513AnonymousGuestDear talah:
I suppose it is not relevant, it being random.
I understand your current boyfriend’s distress over you seeing your ex boyfriend and if I was in his shoes, I too wouldn’t tolerate you having contact with your ex boyfriend, given that the ex is not at all neutral toward you and neither are you neutral toward your ex.
I suppose it will need to be your choice, choosing between the current and the ex.
When you are calm you can make a pro list and a con list regarding getting together with the ex. List all the cons and all the pros you can think of, those you are sure about and others that are possibilities or concerns. You can share these lists here, if you’d like and I will give you my input when I am back to the computer in about fifteen hours from now.
anita
November 26, 2018 at 6:12 am #248593talahParticipantHi anita,
I don’t think at this point I have a choice to choose. I have been with the current for just over a year, we know each other inside out, we know each others family, we are the silliest around each other, he is just my bestest friend. I cannot imagine hurting him. My ex made me happy in a different way, us catching up made me realise we can have a good friendship but I don’t think I can be or act how I am (fully myself) with him like I am with my current. They are both two very different guys. My ex also has a girlfriend… So it all seems so wrong to even think about getting together at the moment, although he says he truly loves me and would drop everything just to build a life with me.
In terms of cons, my current is sweet and cares for me but when he is angry (occasions) he gets really angry and acts cold and I see a different side, but he always makes it up and understands how I feel after. My ex is also caring but I cannot fully be weird as I am with my current, I guess that is just a personality thing…
Although we decided to be friends, we haven’t messaged each other since so I’m not sure how that will work. I decided I have to force myself to let go and forget about him even though I still want him to be a part of my life, I suppose that cannot work in this world. I also wanted to be friends because you never know what the future holds and life can give us another chance at the right time but I can’t lie and say knowing about his girlfriend and what they get up to doesn’t affect me. Seeing him also brought back a lot of memories and feelings, I’m not sure what feelings.
Am I making the right decision? Do I still keep him there when I need someone to talk to? Or do I force myself to let go fully?
November 26, 2018 at 6:29 am #248597AnonymousGuestDear talah:
You didn’t describe abusive behavior by your current boyfriend when he feels angry at you. I understand it is unpleasant to know someone is angry at you and the angry person does turn cold, or unaffectionate when angry, but there is no abuse in it. But maybe there is more that you didn’t describe about how he expresses his anger, can you elaborate on it?
anita
November 26, 2018 at 8:49 am #248611
ValoraParticipantAm I making the right decision? Do I still keep him there when I need someone to talk to? Or do I force myself to let go fully?
If I were you, I would not force yourself to really do anything and just let things flow and let time take it’s course and see what happens. From what it sounds like, you’ve already made the decision to stay with your boyfriend, so do that, but also respect his wishes by not being the one to contact your ex. If your ex writes or something just to say hi, I don’t think there’s really anything wrong with a short conversation to catch up, but definitely not a good idea to hang out with him in person or anything while you’re in a relationship. You don’t really have to make any other decisions about your ex right now other than to just leave him in the back of your mind for now while time takes it’s course. This is all still fresh for you, so that’s probably why the feelings feel so strong, but as the excited state dies down a little, things should become clearer for you. You could always meditate on it, too. It doesn’t seem like sitting and doing and thinking nothing would help, but oddly, it does. haha. A clear, focused mind is much easier to work with than a cluttered one.
November 27, 2018 at 6:01 am #251935talahParticipantHi Anita, there is no abuse but he does get angry often. When he is angry he acts cold and replies bluntly toward me. I’ve gotten used to it now… but it is really annoying at times although he makes up for it and acts nice again like my best friend. I can’t explain, it is a mixture of both. He’s either really sweet and makes me feel special but other times another side of him shows.
November 27, 2018 at 6:04 am #252011talahParticipantHello Valora,
Thank you for that advice. I’ve decided to try and forget about him and not message him first. It’s best I focus on what I have now, although my ex did message me yesterday but it was a short and very casual conversation. Thanks once again.
November 27, 2018 at 6:27 am #252559AnonymousGuestDear talah:
“When he is angry he acts cold and replies bluntly toward me”- following the first blunt reply, I wouldn’t ask him more questions. I would also communicate with him when he is not angry regarding how the two of you behave when angry, how he expresses it, how you do and what adjustments either one of you is willing to do. Maybe he can take time out when angry, take a walk, or maybe the two of you can agree to not talk for a while, take a time out from each other when angry.
I suppose you made your choice, you choose your current boyfriend, which means having no communication whatsoever with your ex boyfriend, correct?
anita
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