Home→Forums→Relationships→I love him but my thoughts are telling me otherwise
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February 19, 2018 at 3:22 am #193267
MichelleParticipantplease help me. I am going through something I have never felt before and I am so scared. I am having panic attacks all day for days now. One day I just started to have these thoughts like “do I love my boyfriend”? “What if I don’t?” A month back he went on a break with me because he said he was going through something and didn’t know what he wanted. This left me heart broken and mentally/ emotionally drained. I have never felt that type of pain before. I’m trying to find it what triggered me to feel this way. He told me that his friend and his now wife was cheating on him. I feel like it made me imagine the fighting they will go through and then not being together and scared me. Since then I can’t stop worrying and having these thoughts. Please help me.
February 19, 2018 at 8:09 am #193293
AnonymousGuestDear Michelle:
I just noticed I didn’t answer your last reply on your other thread. I think that you are thinking “do I love my boyfriend’?”, maybe because you are sick and tired of loving him. Because loving him has been so very painful and tiring for too long. In other words, it has not been a pleasant experience too often and for too long. Am I correct?
anita
February 19, 2018 at 8:12 am #193295MichelleParticipantIt has been very painful after awhile yes but he is practically my everything. And I feel we both know we have come to a cross road where we need to take care of ourselves but I can’t picture my life without him. And none the less we have a dog together. I picked up my life and moved in with him. I’ve practically lost myself. And I have all of these what ifs about him being with someone else if we aren’t together.
February 19, 2018 at 8:22 am #193299AnonymousGuestDear Michelle:
If you are calm enough, can you list his behaviors that cause you to suffer, what he actually says and do- or doesn’t say and do, that you think are valid concerns?
Got to separate our own anxiety from valid concerns true to the reality of our lives.
anita
February 19, 2018 at 8:29 am #193301MichelleParticipantWhen we are in an argument he either ignores me for days (depending on how big he feels the argument is) or he tells me he doesn’t know if he wants to be together(again depending on how bad the argument is) he’s done it numerous time where I have created a fear of this happening. I am in a state of mind where I know this is not healthy. But I don’t want to lose him. And I feel like that’s where this is headed.
February 19, 2018 at 8:33 am #193305AnonymousGuestDear Michelle:
You don’t want to lose him, but you do want to lose the misery, correct?
The arguments, give me an example of one: who starts it, how it starts, what is the back and forth talk between the two of you.
anita
February 19, 2018 at 8:59 am #193319MichelleParticipantThere are time where my feelings are hurt but he never lets me have my feelings. He always gets defensive and then it’s like I shouldn’t have the feelings and I end up saying sorry. Or he gets defensive and then the argument persists and he says mean things and I get upset but then he wants to be done with the argument. I can’t just walk away from the argument after hurtful things have been said. I always want to talk things out where he wants to be left alone. So then he feels like I corner him. The argument can be about anything little. Like I was going to make dinner the other night and even went food shopping on my lunch break. He knew I was making dinner and went to this gym that is about 25 minutes away and didn’t get home until 9:00pm. So I told him that it bothered me he did that when he knew I was going out of my way. But he turned it into “im not allowed to go to the gym”. When I see him tonight we are going to talk and I am scared that this will be it tonight. I am almost sure that is where it is headed. And I’m scared. I live with him an hour away from my parents. Yea not terribly far but I have my job by him and our dog that will most likely stay there because that “is her home”. I don’t know how to get through this.
February 19, 2018 at 9:14 am #193323
MarkParticipantMichelle,
I thought you might be interested in the difference between worry and anxiety. You might be able to help yourself by knowing what you are experiencing.
Then there is the tried-and-true Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.MarkFebruary 19, 2018 at 9:17 am #193325AnonymousGuestDear Michelle:
You told him the other day that you were going to make dinner or did you ask him if he would like it if you make dinner for the two of you?
(There is a difference between you letting him know of something he didn’t agree to and between having a mutual agreement that he ignored)
anita
February 19, 2018 at 2:42 pm #193423
hayaParticipantHi honry, please read about Rocd, hope it helps 🙂
February 19, 2018 at 4:20 pm #193447
DorisParticipantHi Michelle,
I feel you so scared. Have you ever taken the time to calmly face your fears and imagine what would happen if the worst of your fears happened. I mean, what would happen if you lost your boyfriend. I think sometimes we avoid doing things because of this fear, but if we think about it we discover that maybe things are not as ugly as we think.
February 19, 2018 at 11:26 pm #193489
ClaireParticipantYou can love somebody but it doesn’t always mean that they’re the right person for you, I know that only too well.
Trust what your head is telling you. If something doesn’t feel quite right, that’s probably because it isn’t. Be strong. You’ll be amazed how good you’ll feel when you’ve made the decision that’s right for you.
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