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I lost the love of my life and am considering killing myself. Has anyone been du

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  • May 1, 2021 at 12:28 pm #379036
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Melanie,

    I am sorry you’re feeling so devastated. When I read this:

    I feel dead inside. Every single moment is heartbreaking. I feel totally discarded… would he ever take me back? Was I that bad? I want to make everything right.

    it sounds like something you’d say to your mother. When she left you alone in the car in the night so she could go drink, you felt totally discarded and heart-broken (and horrified). The child always blames themselves for being mistreated by the parents, so you’d ask her: “Was I that bad? I want to make everything right.” You took the blame for being mistreated, you felt there was something wrong with you.

    Your immense pain now is the same as when you were a child, abandoned by your unpredictable mother. You felt helpless and scared because you never knew what she would do next.

    Does this resonate with you? Where was your father? Was he in the picture?

     

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Tee.
    May 1, 2021 at 12:34 pm #379038
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Melanie:

    You shared that you (29) were diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) because you grew up with “a very emotionally stunted, codependent mother”, had a 1.5 years relationship with a man (32) who was sexually abused by a female babysitter early in his life.  As a result of these and other experiences, he at times “could get very, very angry”, and you were severely depressed and rarely helped around the house when the two of you lived together for a year.

    The relationship “could be very volatile”, and at its worst, the two of you argued in the middle of the night, he mocked you, you felt demeaned and slapped him. In December 2020, while you were studying for the GRE (Graduate Record Examination),  he seemed depressed, wanted your attention, and broke up with you in mid-January this year, telling you that he deserved someone who will do more than show up half way for him, that you were sensitive and that he thought that you going to graduate school was a pipe dream.

    3.5 months later, you “feel dead inside”, that you can’t live without him, the love of your life, as you referred to him,  that you want him back so badly and “would do anything to hold him one last time”.

    My input today: (1) Congratulations for taking the GRE and getting “a really good score”! You must have had a plan of how to use your GRE, remind yourself of that plan and give it some attention,

    (2) You mentioned that you were seeing a therapist and attending a 12-step program- to see your therapist soon and more frequently, and attend the 12-step program daily, increasing your participation and involvement in the program,

    (3) Seems to me that you are remembering the connection you felt for him (“I felt so connected when I was with him”) as way stronger and more consistent than what it actually was. If your felt connection to him was very strong and ongoing, you wouldn’t have been severely depressed much of the time you lived with him. I am guessing that you felt strongly connected to him at times, but often, not much connected, or not at all connected. But now, you remember it differently. Am I correct?

    anita

    May 1, 2021 at 6:01 pm #379045
    Melanie
    Participant

    It does resonate with me. I have been having traumatic reactions to situations in my life for years and my ex breaking my heart is about as .much as I can take. He was my only best friend for a while year, discarded me and forgot me, and now won’t even talk to me even during a panic attack.

    May 1, 2021 at 7:39 pm #379046
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Melanie:

    I can see that you are hurting a lot, that you are feeling hurt and anger, loneliness and despair. And I know that you will feel better soon enough. Try to relax, best you can, listen to your favorite music, something calming, take a hot bath, and post again. (I will be back to the computer in about 11 hours from now).

    anita

    May 2, 2021 at 12:17 am #379051
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Melanie,

    I have been having traumatic reactions to situations in my life for years

    that means your childhood trauma still hasn’t been healed, but if you keep working with a proper therapist, it can be and will be healed. Have you tried dialectical behavior therapy? It’s proven successful in treating BPD. Are you working with a therapist currently?

    He was my only best friend for a while year, discarded me and forgot me, and now won’t even talk to me even during a panic attack.

    You have developed a strong bond with him during that one year, and that’s normal in a relationship. The problem is that the wounded child in you believes it won’t survive without him, the same what you believed as a child in the relationship with your mother. Only now, you are able to survive without him, you’re not a helpless child left alone in a car park. You’ve got ambitions and you did your GRE exams successfully. You are now more than a helpless child, although the child in you is still there and still horribly scared and panicked.

    But there’s another part of you – the adult, who can take care of your child and lead it from the car park into safety. Your life and wellbeing aren’t threatened any more, even though your boyfriend left you. Try to keep that in mind, feel the safety and integrity of your body, know that you’re physically safe. Emotionally, you still have some work to do, in therapy, but you’ll get there eventually, help is available.

    You can do this, Melanie!

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