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I let men determine my self worth and I don't want to anymore

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  • #268567
    dom
    Participant

    I have a hard time not letting men, specifically the men I date, determine my self worth. I constantly compare myself to other girls and I think to myself I wish I had her body, I wish I had her clothes, etc. I have been struggling with this for so long and I wish I had all the answers. No amount of articles or self help books really seem to change me. I often find myself being someone I am not for the sake of men’s opinions on me. I never start problems. I always apologize even if its not my fault. I don’t stand up for myself because I want so badly to be the chill girl every guy wants. I don’t ever say no even if I don’t want to have sex with my boyfriend because I want to fulfill his needs. I don’t talk about my emotions and I do everything I can to make it seems like am all put together and super “cool” and easy going. When in reality I am very self conscious and very hard on myself. I want to know why do I let a man’s opinion of me determine my own opinion of my self and how have any of you learned to love yourself. Its not as easy as people make it seem online. Its not just a switch to flip and you all of a sudden love yourself no matter what anyone thinks of you. Sorry if this is a bit all over the place.

    #268741
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear dom:

    I used to display similar behaviors with men, not because I “let men determine my self worth”, but because I felt I had no worth. Like you, I didn’t stand up for myself. I didn’t stand up for myself because I didn’t believe that my needs, feelings,wants and preferences were of  any importance.

    I agree with you,  there is no “switch to flip and  you all of a sudden love yourself”. I think to love oneself, you have feel this self  worth, the belief that you matter, no less than anyone else, and that it is your job to see that you do matter in your own life, in all of your relationships.

    anita

    #268913
    GL
    Participant

    You know, I find that a lot of people, women especially, are trained at a young age to be sweet, kind, accommodating and so on. Your environment, from parents to teachers to friends, keeps enforcing this ideal ‘mold’ on you which pressures you to actually meet that ideal. Which sucks, because then whatever else you wanted is lost in the void called ‘what I wanted, but instead…’ And as you practice the art of the ideal ‘mold’, you slowly become that ‘mold’ until you forget how to voice your want and desires because you’re too busy being that ‘mold’. But the ‘mold’ was created by other people, it wasn’t created by you. So it’s a good thing that you’re starting to realize that the ‘mold’ you are putting forward in everyday life is not yours, it is people’s idea of you. That’s the first step.

    The next step is something I recommend so feel free to ignore it. But there’s something called behavioral psychology, the research in acquired behaviors through conditioning. There are psychologists who have studied cognitive behavioral therapy and work with clients to help them change certain thoughts and behavior. There are multiple techniques that the psychologist go through with clients over multiple sessions so that the clients get comfortable with their new perspective of actions that they can employed in everyday life. There are also many sessions in assertiveness too, but for now, I think it would be best for you to understand the underlying reason of why you want to please others so much. It’s not a bad thing to have compassion, but not at the expense of your own health and certainty not when it crosses your boundaries. So it would be best to find someone, it usually takes a few tries before finding a therapist you click with, to help you put together a narrative of your people pleasing behavior so that you can understand and start healing from the root of it rather than just change your behavior that’s only seen on the surface.

    Good luck.

    #268947
    Axuda
    Participant

    Hi Dom

    First of all, I would say that what you describe is not uncommon – many of us, particularly when we are young, place a great deal of value on how we are valued by others, and so feel the need to try to fit some imaginary ideal. So you are right in identifying that a first step is learning to love yourself as you are – and you are also right that it is much easier to say than to do.

    At the moment, your strategy seems to be that if you accommodate everyone else’s needs, everyone will like you and you will therefore be more valued as a result. It sounds logical, doesn’t it? But humans don’t work that way. We take things for granted very, very quickly.

    20 years ago, the idea of having wifi in our home or a mobile phone that would allow us to access the internet anywhere was just an amazing dream. Now, we get hacked off if 4G is running too slow for us to video call a friend in another country when we are on the bus. Every time expectations are met, expectations increase.

    If, however, you start with certain expectations of how you deserve to be treated, this does two things. First, it demonstrates that you have some value of your own – that you are worth being with. And if you are more valuable, guess what? You become more desirable.

    And secondly, it weeds out those people who just want to use you for what they can get out of you. Think of it as a “creep filter” – if he won’t put up with you having an interest of your own that you go to once a week, then it’s his loss, not yours.

    I suggest starting with a few red lines of your own – things which you simply will not compromise on, because they make you feel good. Maybe you enjoy yoga, or pottery classes, or having your hair long, or short – whatever it is,  make it non-negotiable. If a man cares about you enough, he’ll not only accommodate it – he’ll encourage it, because he wants to be with someone valuable. And what makes you valuable is what makes you who you are – your interests, your sense of humour, your desires. It’s what makes you unique. If you lose that, you become much easier to replace. And that does nothing for you, or any worthwhile man you are with.

    Awareness is the first step, and by posting this you are there now. You sound caring and kind – a wonderful prize for any man. So just make sure he understands just how lucky he is.

    Good luck!

     

     

    #268951
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Dear Dom,

    I understand how difficult this situation can be for you.

    I never start problems. I always apologize even if its not my fault. I don’t stand up for myself because I want so badly to be the chill girl every guy wants. I don’t ever say no even if I don’t want to have sex with my boyfriend because I want to fulfill his needs. I don’t talk about my emotions and I do everything I can to make it seems like am all put together and super “cool” and easy going.

    This part of your post got to me in particular. I want to remind you that IF there is a problem, whether initiated by yourself or another, there simply is a problem and one that needs to be dealt with. Apologising even when you believe you are not at fault and not standing up for yourself is not the way forward and quite frankly it is almost giving others the go ahead to walk all over you. Being in tact with your emotions, wants, needs and being fully aware of what you deserve has absolutely nothing to do with not being ‘super cool and easy going’. In fact, that makes you super cool and easy going! How cool is it to be confident woman who doesn’t take any sh**?! One who knows exactly what she stands for, what she wants and will not accept any less.  Honestly, you can still be all of those things and not allow yourself to be a doormat to men or anyone else for that matter.

    Please do not allow this to continue any longer. You are worth all the happiness in the world and you have to believe in that. Stand up for what you believe in, be open about your expectations and most importantly care for your own self enough to know what is good for you and what isn’t. Also, any man who allows this sort of  behaviour to continue isn’t the man for you. Your partner should encourage you to open up when you may feel like completely shutting down, pull you up on apologising when you are not in the wrong and remind you that just because you feel a certain way about a certain situation does not mean that you are no longer ‘chill’ or ‘cool’. It means that you are human and completely entitled to feel whatever it is you feel.

    A whole sea of water can’t even sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. The same way you can’t be brought down unless you let people’s opinions inside.

    Chin up girl! Hugs x

     

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