Hi there,

I feel so much anger towards my work colleague. Anger because… I guess, I want his affection/ attention.

To give it some context, we had a work party back in the summer. He text me asking if I wanted to go (although I should have realised he was drunk by the wording), I had a crush on him for the longest time so was flattered and quickly said yes. I went and it quickly became apparent that he was flirting with me, he was also buying me large glasses of wine etc. I knew he had a girlfriend but somehow this made me feel safe because I couldn’t believe he would do anything. Then out of nowhere he explained that him and his long term girlfriend (of 10 years) had split up. Because I was pissed, I couldn’t hide my joy at hearing this (although obviously I was concerned for him and sad for his girlfriend too).

Anyway, we had the best night, we drank and danced and later we came back to my place where we ended up kissing (and more). I also started crying because I missed that feeling so much, that feeling of being loved, I remember talking about my first boyfriend and all the emotions came flooding back. We didn’t have sex but he stayed the night and the next day he said it was fun and we should do it again sometime. I began to feel sick because I really didn’t want that and I couldn’t believe how naive I had been.

Later that morning I text saying I didn’t want to just ‘have fun’ and he replied and said he was sorry for being such a dickhead and we should just leave it there.

Since then it’s been super awkward at work. We finally got past it (ish) although we were starting to flirt again, when we had another work night out and he walked me home. On the way back, he said it shouldn’t have happened to which I quickly agreed feeling relief. Then he turned to me and said ‘but it was fun though’, and for some stupid reason I agreed. When we got to my door he muttered that he should probably go because he could see it happening again. I felt so torn, happy on the one hand, but also hurt because I didn’t want that and I felt like he wasn’t really respecting what I had said.

I have since messaged to say that, although I gave the impression I was OK with having ‘fun’, I’m really not. I didn’t go into details about my feelings for him, but just said that I’m quite a vulnerable person and it probably wasn’t a good idea. Now I just feel silly. Silly for being so pathetic and NOT being able to just have fun. I have painted myself as this victim, and whenever I see him at work, I instantly start acting awkward.

I realise a lot of this goes back to my ‘people pleasing’ ways and need to feel loved. I also do genuinely like him (or I did until this happened).

Can anyone help me make sense of this? I currently feel like I am at the mercy of my emotions and I feel out of control.

Thanks in advance.