I apologise for the length of the story.

I’m 23. I’ve had serious relationships before. I don’t date casually, sleep around. I find it very difficult to be attracted to people around me.

Around December of 2015, I started hooking up with a friend of mine. He’s extremely attractive, but has had a string to awful relationships. Everyone he has been serious about has cheated on him, usually with a friend of his or even a cousin ( that happened one time). So when I started falling for him, I kept it to myself. He even told me once that he saw what we were doing as a no strings attached thing. However, he also started asking questions ( after that ) about what we were doing, if we were dating and so on and so forth. One day, he told me that he liked me. I told him that I liked him too. I thought at that point that we had a shot at being together.

This guy often told me how badly he had been hurt, and how hung up he was on this one girl that helped him survive his first major breakup. When he confessed to her, she rejected him and went no-contact for a long time. Turns out that one day ( she lives in another country now ), she messaged him on Facebook asking if he wanted to hang out since she was coming to India for two months. Apparently, a message from her made him all confused. He broke up with me.

In his words, he can’t feel it anymore. He is terrified of committing again, and does not want his heart broken. After the breakup, he used to call everyday, saying that he didn’t know what he wanted with me, that he cares deeply for me. Hell, he tells me about all his most important life events even now. He calls less now, but even a couple of days ago he called to tell me that he might be moving to another city, and asked me not to tell anyone. He hadn’t told anyone but me and two other people. Not even his best friend. He told me that if he does move, he will miss me.

I’ve told him that I want distance. He calls less now. He is the kind of person who does not meet too many people. He has great friends, but does not meet them often. He prefers being by himself in his room. He actually told me that he hasn’t met the girl even though she has been in the city for two weeks. I don’t know if he has met her since. I don’t ask these things.

I want to stop caring about him. I’ve block and unblocked his number numerous times, all on my own. I can’t seem to stop waiting fo rhis call.

I’m so scared that I will never be loved. I know its pointless to wait, and I don’t do it purposely, but I can’t stop waiting completely either. I’m so scared that I will never be loved. I have a dysfunctional family. I don’t speak to my father. I don’t love my mother due to various reasons. I have no family I can depend on. I live alone. after my flatmate with serious psychological problems has moved out ( a year ago).

I am terrified that I will never be loved. I am terrified that I will always be empty. I have friends, but I find it hard to talk to them. A lot f them are just indifferent towards things. And some of them just say that all love is destined to suffer. Things like that. I don’t really know positive people. Except one person. But she’s too busy giving me ideas about all the things she knows and reads rather than listen to me.

I’m so tired. I feel trapped, and hurt. We were ” together” for barely 3 months. but I can’t get past this. I’m so scared that I will always be alone, that I will have to face the world on my own forever. I feel broken and abandoned.

Help.