Dear Meatball:

June 2: ” We were set to leave for a vacation in a couple days.  It won’t be easy but I’m still going WITHOUT her.  I’ve asked her to be out by the time I get back.“- you are set to leave for a vacation tomorrow, June 4. Two days ago, you told her that you will be going on vacation without her, and that she should be out by the time you are back. It is possible that by this time, 21 hours after you posted, she talked you into leaving on vacation with her… And that she will not be out of your house by the time you (and her) return from vacation.

It’s possible because of (1) your anxious attachment style and codependency, (2) she has no money/ credit to rent her own place and no one to take her in, (3) it’s been a pattern: “I know it has to end, but I’m so emotional and… I don’t want to live without her (and daughter) in my life. One day I’m crying all day and the next day I’m OK boxing up more things” (April 28).

You wanted to help and rescue another  damsel in distress, didn’t you? (“most of my relationships and most women I have had relationships with have been ‘broken’ and in need of ‘fixing’“), thinking that if you provide for her a stable home, rent/ expense free, following her chaotic childhood (“she was moving around house to house, state to state…“), she’d appreciate you and the stability you offer her,  and treat you with the love and respect forevermore..?

Problem is that when you met her, she was 34, not the child that she was 20-30 earlier. You met a woman with established mental-emotional and behavioral habits that are not congruent with a stable relationship. The chaotic events of her childhood transferred to chaos in her mind, heart and relationships.

“”I’ve been Mr. nice guy and have always put her needs above mine, this is what I needed to finally get it thru my thick scull that I deserve so much more and need to find someone that actually WANTS to be with me. I’m MAD and SAD, probably more mad at myself for being a doormat and always believing her“- please be kind to the anxious and codependent part of you, make your mental-emotional health your No 1 priority.

anita

Dear Meatball:

It’s 7:08 pm here (west coast), and good to read (!) that you cancelled her flights for the trip, and having a friend (a real friend) replace her.

“This time I’m staying strong and doing what needs to be done“- this is Strong You!

I am well, thank you, and I feel better for reading/ feeling your strength!

May the Force be with you! (a Star Wars saying).

anita

Hi Meatball

It’s good to hear that you are staying strong even though she is denying the affair and being dismissive of your feelings. Contrary to what she says it is a big deal. It must be hard and painful being in this situation. Your feelings are valid and you deserve to protect yourself.

I’m glad that you got a friend to come with you on the trip. That was a great idea! Another great idea, her paying for her own bills!

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

It’s been pretty helpful reading all these posts, and I wanted to make my own as I’ve not seen a situation quite like mine yet.

December 2023, the girl I was seeing’s mum had just tried to kill herself and had moved into the girl’s flat with her other 2 young kids, so understandably she needed some space to focus on that and couldn’t see me for a couple weeks. This then turned into her wanting a break, and the last time I had seen her was the day I’d asked her to be my girlfriend (she said yes) in late November. Anyway, it was weird and long story short I was in a bad place mentally, couldn’t stop thinking about and missing her.

I go on a trip to Prague in late January, I’d booked it for the 2 of us but convinced my friends to come with instead. I was adamant I wouldn’t get with anyone there. The first night, I meet a beautiful Australian girl who I take home with me. We have a great time, she stays till the afternoon, then I meet her again the following night and she stays. I then fly home but she goes to Switzerland and I agree to meet her in London for a night as she has a connection there back to Sydney.

I then thought f it and flew to Switzerland to stay with her and we go back to London. All is great and we agree that we’ll wait for each other until I come to Sydney which I was planning in November this year. Anyway, she asks her work if she can work in London for 2 months and stay here. They say yes. I’m so happy. I’ve been working a second job on weekends to save money for when she comes and so I can go to Australia. This feels like a fairy tale.

I begin to find myself becoming attracted to a girl at work. I flirt with her and she flirts back, even inviting me to a hotel room with her on one night, which I adamantly refused, and also trying to kiss me on another night. I considered it, but backed away and left.

Around 3 weeks before she comes to England, I’m in the car with the girl from work for a lift home and I keep pretending to kiss her but then move away and stop. We go home. The next night I do it again and still don’t kiss her, but as we’re playing against each other on iMessage games I have an urge come over me and I start touching her thigh, etc. She kisses my neck and ears and this sets me off, I don’t kiss her back throughout all of this as I know it’s wrong, but I pull her on top of me and we begin to have sex. I feel awful, I push her off me and get out the car and go home. I feel like a disgusting person and can’t believe what I’ve done.

After a couple of days, I tell the Australian girl. She’s devastated, we talk about it, we stop talking so she can think. She arrives in England and still wants to see me. We meet, have a talk, things start to go well again.

She has been here 4 weeks now, it’s been perfect, like it was before except for her getting down every now and then about what I did. Last weekend I realise I hadn’t told her the full truth and felt intense guilt again and told her. She said it changes things and she’s upset. We get separate trains home, don’t talk in bed for 2 hours and she says I should get the first train back in the morning. We talk, she cries and tells me she doesn’t forgive me but she has no one else right now and so she cuddles me and we sleep. She also says that she doesn’t know what she wants and it could change, but for now she wants it to go back to normal. We wake up Monday morning and suddenly I don’t feel the same as I did before. I was obsessed with her for 5 months straight and now I feel like I don’t have any feeling towards her. I was still devastated at what I’d done. We had been getting through it. But we got on so well I had started to not think about it. Then it all came in a big hit. I opened up to her. We cuddled, watched tv, it took my mind off things but I still didn’t feel the same. I had to leave that night to go home and I really didn’t want to, but I woke up in the morning after and felt nothing again. Then in the afternoon when I was busy I felt something but not what I’d felt before, this happened yesterday morning and this morning too. I can’t eat properly.

I’m seeing her again today and I’ve started therapy. I’m disgusted at what I did with the other girl and it lingers over me all the time, but I want the amazing feeling I had before with this girl. She is everything I want. She has every quality I’m looking for. I have to convince myself that these feelings I had for her will come back. I don’t want to hurt her though. She leaves in just over a month and then we won’t see each other for 3 months until I fly to Sydney.

I left her Airbnb the Monday before this all happened and knew I was going to ask her to be my girlfriend when we go on holiday together in a weeks time. (For reference, we’ve never been officially together, but we agreed on exclusivity very early on). I just feel horrible. I’m not sure she’ll even take me back again. This is her first relationship and first time ever trusting a man and I feel like I’ve wrecked her.

I want us to have something good again. I overthink a lot and just want to go back to normal. The therapist I spoke to was one I used before when I first slept with the other girl from work. She says she thinks I’m experiencing the freeze emotion which is making me wonder if this girl is right for me as there is a threat of her leaving. I’ve been split up with twice, both times when I thought things were perfect. Maybe I’m trying to save myself from the pain.

I loved her on Saturday night and even up until Sunday afternoon, then when I knew I had to tell her what happened and worried she’d leave, all my feelings have gone.

Do you know what I can do?

<p style=”text-align: right;”>Hey,</p>
 

Thanks for your reply. I stayed at hers last night and I do feel better after calming down and relaxing. She’s essentially said she doesn’t know what she wants and she could cut me off at any time, but for now she wants it to be normal.  My issue now is that nearly every moment I spend with her I’m happy and forget for a minute, then I think how great it would’ve been if I hadn’t done what I’d done and I was just sitting there guilt free and in love with her.

I know it seems like self sabotage, but I can’t stop thinking that she deserves more. The feeling did go before for about a month but then came back in a huge wave, and I’m hoping slowly it’ll go away again.

I know real life isn’t a fairy tale, but I wish I’d learned this lesson before this girl. It was perfect in every moment with her before this. I’m going to try and keep it normal till next month. She even admitted yesterday she was expecting to leave London in a relationship with me until I told her again last weekend. This is after me admitting sleeping with the other girl a month ago. We’ve gone back to normalish, slept with each other twice last night, and strangely she seems to have gotten over an issue she had with struggling to be aroused physically, although she was mentally. This caused a bit of discomfort between us both.

The important thing for me to do now is try to forgive myself, so that we can both move on. I accept any decision she might make as I’m the one who messed up, but it’s just going to be a matter of waiting and time.

The only way for the situation to change would be if one of you moved permanently immediately. It’s basically not really a good idea because of the cheating and how early things are in the relationship.

Dear Harry:

This is what you shared about your relationship with the Australian woman (I’ll refer to her as Au): you met Au on a trip to Prague in Jan 2024. On the first night you met her, she stayed the night with you, until the afternoon of the day after. The following night,  she stayed with you for a 2nd night. Next, you flew home to London (or the vicinity), and Au flew to Switzerland. Next, you flew to Switzerland and stayed with Au again. Next, you flew back to London while Au stayed in Switzerland and asked her employer if she can work from London. They agreed that she can for 2 months, and you happily (“I’m so happy… This feels like a fairy tale“) waited for Au to join you in London for 2 months, following which, the plan was that she’ll fly back to Sydney, Australia, and following a few months, you’ll join her there.

While waiting for Au, you found yourself attracted to woman from work (I’ll refer to her as W) and flirted with her for a while. Three weeks before Au was scheduled to join you in London, you had sex with W. Two days later, you told Au about it. Au was devastated yet she still joined you in London later, and “it’s been perfect, like it was before except for her getting down every now and then about what I did“.

About 3 weeks into her current stay with you, last weekend- you realized that you hadn’t told Au “the full truth” about what happened with W, and so,  you told her the .. full truth.

Au’s reaction: “She cries and tells me she doesn’t forgive me, but she has no one else right now and so she cuddles me and we sleep. She also says that she doesn’t know what she wants and it could change, but for now she wants it to go back to normal… she essentially said… she could cut me off at any time, but for now she wants it to be normal… She even admitted yesterday she was expecting to leave London in a relationship with me until I told her again last weekend“.

My input today: after 3 weeks of her current stay with you, you felt very guilty (again) about not having told Au “the full truth” about the sexual encounter or encounters with W. And so, to find relief from your guilt, you told her the full truth (“Last weekend I realise I hadn’t told her the full truth and felt intense guilt again and told her“). You were focused on your intense guilt and wanted a fast relief from the distress of intense guilt. You wanted to feel better yourself, so you elaborated on what you already told her about 6 weeks earlier, which has devastated her back then and since. In other words, you added devastation to her devastation so to feel better (and perhaps to sabotage the relationship as well).

Her response: she was clearly devastated, feeling abnormally anxious and unsettled. Kowing only you in London, having no one else to comfort her, she wanted to feel normal again, so she had no choice- that she could think about- then to be comforted by the same person who hurt her (“She cries and tells me she doesn’t forgive me, but she has no one else right now and so she cuddles me… for now she wants it to go back to normal… she essentially said… she could cut me off at any time, but for now she wants it to be normal“).

You ended your 2ndpost with: “The important thing for me to do now is try to forgive myself, so that we can both move on. I accept any decision she might make as I’m the one who messed up, but it’s just going to be a matter of waiting and time.”

The partial story about your flirtation and sex with W has hurt Au, and devastated her ever since you first told her about it. Do you see how self-centered it was of you to elaborate on the partial story and give her the full story?

I am asking because if you relieve yourself from guilt in this way, you’d keep hurting Au/ others. I understand that you weren’t thinking thoroughly before you confessed further to her, but now that you do.. what do you think?

anita