I HURT THE MAN I LOVE

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This topic has 8 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 2 months ago by Gigi.

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September 18, 2018 at 11:58 pm #226267

Cat
Participant

Our history is long and complicated but I’ll try to simplify. I’ve known him 20 years, loved him for 5 years but fell in love with him 9 months ago. It was the first time I really saw him… wounded, compassionate and ageless. Before that I had only seen what he wanted to show. Someone judgemental and intolerant of anyone’s shortcomings especially his own. What lay beneath was a childhood wrought with abuse. He cried to me and yes I felt compassion for him but truthfully it was his compassion that shook me. In that moment I saw the real him, lovely. Since then I moved away from the city that we both lived in mostly for the happiness of my little girl. A new start in a different state. The long distance aspect had been trying but strangely we seemed to be getting closer. He graduates with an advanced degree in 9 months and we were talking about marriage and he asked several times if I would move to wherever his career path took us. Unwaveringly yes I would say. My little one started calling him daddy on the phone which scared me a bit, for her sake mostly, but he seemed to take it in stride. He and I have dated on and off previously but never with this intensity. He’d always been the one to call it quits before but understanding his past in it’s entirety it all made sense, you would see it as such too. Now to the heartbreak. The past month has been one of the hardest times of my life. In a horrific twist of fate, my little girls father( not my beloved) committed suicide over a tragic accident in which he was at fault. It played out in a standoff with police which ended tragically. He had disappointed her for most of her life up until this point so I’ve made the decision to shield her from this news. She’s nine years old. I’m not going to tell her right now. She’s too fragile and young and I fear that she will somehow internalize and lay blame upon herself thinking could she have changed anything. If we had stayed would it have changed anything, no it wouldn’t have. I thank God that we left when we did, it makes this burden easier to bare. Someday I may be faced with telling her, just not now. We also have been faced with a tenuous living situation with my daughter and I caught between my mother’s sudden divorce. It’s stressful living in this tension, with my mother and her husband constantly at odds. We slept in the car one night, just to get away. It got really bad. All this played into my decision to break up with the one that I love. I sent an abrupt and curt text saying that I didn’t believe this would work and best of luck in the future. I felt so angry when I sent it, I’m not sure if anyone out there can begin to understand why in the fuck I’d push someone I’m in love with away. I just couldn’t take one more heartbreak, one more ounce of pressure. One more disappointment. I don’t understand it myself except to say I need time to think. I’ve tried to send him a short email asking him to let me explain but to no avail. He’s blocked me. I can’t say as I blame him since this came out of the blue and has hurt him when he was beginning to really, really trust someone…me. In the intrest of allowing him to focus on school and work, I suppose I’ll not reach out again, at least not for a long while. I’m so sorry it all played out this way and I wish I could change things. I can only move forward hoping to learn what life is trying to teach me. I know I also need time to heal and get my head back on straight. If anyone has any infinate words of wisdom I would appreciate it more than you know. Heartbroken in Tennessee…

September 19, 2018 at 3:00 am #226281

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Cat:

You write beautifully. My first thought: I don’t think your daughter needs to know that her father committed suicide (suicide by cop is the term, isn’t it?), not now and not later. I don’t see that she needs to know how he died because I don’t see any possible advantage to her knowing, and I only see disadvantage in it.

Regarding the man you love, you wrote: “He’d always been the one to call it quits before”- not that you should have called it quit, but seeing the bigger picture, people do tend to repeat, and so, it is likely that he would have called it quit once again, if you didn’t.

I was wondering, did you call it quit following a disagreement with him, an argument, a conflict?

anita

September 19, 2018 at 4:34 am #226299

Inky
Participant

Hi Cat,

I know he blocked you, but in this situation he needs to know the truth. Or HE’LL internalize it. Have a mutual friend tell him that you couldn’t handle your daughter’s father’s suicide and your parents’ impending (?) divorce. That YOU had a breakdown. Truly. That is what it was. You just acted it out by abruptly breaking up with him.

Ask a professional how you can handle telling your daughter the truth about how her father died when she asks. She WILL ask. Would you rather her to find out through the internet, gossip, or from you?

Best,

Inky

September 19, 2018 at 2:28 pm #226355
Cat
Participant
Good Morning, thank you for responding. It helps immensely to have someone reach out as I try and make sense of what life is trying to teach me through this. Let me clarify a few details. Actually, the suicide was by his own hand. A little more than a month ago my daughter’s father was in an accident in which his motorcycle hit a stalled car and flipped. He fled the scene and the girl on the back of his motorcycle died. She was a mother of 4. I was sent several news clips (long distance) in which her family was pleading for him to turn himself in. He was on the run for a week in which time my love (boyfriend) had called to inform me that he had been given a message that my daughter’s father had no intention of going to prison. I wasn’t sure what to think except to say in my head, surely he would calm down and come to his senses and if there was some kind of a standoff, that he would go peacefully. It felt like this kind of thing happens to other people or in a movie, it felt surreal. There indeed was a standoff for several hours but eventually officers heard a single gunshot in the house. It was him taking his own life. It pains me so deeply that he saw no way out of this and what he must have felt in those last seconds… My aunt spoke to someone who was in actual contact with him while he was in hiding for that week. She said his daughter was on his mind. He was not a good father. He only paid child’s support a few months of her life and disappointed her the few times they tried to have a relationship but somehow I still hurt for her. At first, I thought she never has to know, which might be the case if she never asks. I will never tell her. I’m just not sure realistically what happens if she does want to rekindle a possible relationship, I feel that conversation might happen when she’s a young adult. She’s only nine, so I guess I have some time to figure those questions out. As for my love, yes he had broken up with me but understanding why is deep rooted in parental abuse from early childhood. Only in more recent (in the past 6 months or so) has he even revealed the intensity of beating at his father’s hand and betrayal of action by his mother, and yet his empathy struck me like a punch to the face. I felt I was careless with his emotional trust this time. And I certainly knew better. With that being said, the state of mind I was (and am still in) cannot take another blow. No we didn’t have a fight, not even a harsh word. I asked for his word not ever to break up with me again with careless disregard and he gave it to me. His word he holds to, that’s why I asked for it. I broke up with him 2 weeks ago and I haven’t heard a word. I know he probably feels like this is betrayal (hypocrisy at least) and anger is his go to emotion. I just hope in time he can understand I had to step back, I had to. I hope he can learn forgiveness. Understand he was learning to really love my daughter and me in a way I know was unchartered territory. I don’t think he had ever loved anyone more. My heart is broken right now. Thank you for listening…
- This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by tinybuddha.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by tinybuddha.
September 19, 2018 at 4:27 pm #226383

Cat
Participant

So sorry, I initially responded via return email so it didn’t post on the forum. I absolutely agree that I need to reach out so he does not internalize this, it’s not his burden, it’s mine. I wasn’t initially going to out of respect for his heavy school and work load. He doesn’t need emotional heartache on top of all the pressure he’s under. However, he deserves some sense of self validation and apology for hurting him. Also, thank you for giving me some clarity on this. It’s hard sometimes to see the forest for the trees and yes I was breaking down. I hope to eventually write him a letter explaining what happened when I understand it all a little better myself. I think I should get some counseling, I feel ill equipped to handle this without guidance. I want to handle this without causing anyone anymore pain from my backlash of high emotion. If anyone has any other advice or words of wisdom please share them. I need the helping hand. With love and gratitude, Cat.

September 20, 2018 at 8:26 am #226467

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Cat:

Regarding your daughter, if she asks about her father, when she asks, then you can tell her that you will answer her soon, then think about it and address the issue with her at that future time.

Regarding your boyfriend of two weeks ago: reads to me that you did what you did because that is what you needed to do so to be able to survive and function at the time, and still. It makes sense to me that the relationship with him was taking more than you had to give and deal with at the time (and still) and therefore you ended it.

What I would do, if I was you, with the information I have is to share this very thread with him anytime you think is right. You posted here with no intention of sharing it with him. Your honesty here is therefore unquestionable, not by any person who is a reasonable person. My very post here suggesting what I am suggesting is an indication that indeed this thread was not placed him for him. And so, he will be able to see for himself what this is all about, what happened and what is going on.

The title of your thread: “I hurt the man I love”- that would melt my heart if I was the man reading it, knowing it was not meant for me. Then reading your words, that would lead me to have hope in your dependability as a loving woman.

anita

September 20, 2018 at 9:55 pm #226553

Cat
Participant

Thank you for your kind words, they give me some glimmer of hope. I tried to write a letter to him but I couldn’t seem to verbalize my intention because I have so many different emotions and haven’t made sense of them all. One thing I have resoundingly decided on is to go to counseling. Not only to develop the tools I will need someday when she asks the questions I’m dreading but for myself too. I don’t really understand the lopsided anger I feel, confusion and lack of clarity about my future and my little girl’s too. I will reach out to him but if I don’t understand how I’m feeling then how can I possibly explain it. I so appreciate the advice right now because I don’t talk to anyone about the details of my present day life. Thank you.

September 21, 2018 at 5:37 am #226575

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Cat:

You are welcome. Counseling is an excellent idea, with a competent, empathetic and capable counselor/ therapist.

You read like a good person, not selfish, not self centered, but considerate of others. I re-read your few posts and this is what I think is happening: when you saw your now ex boyfriend wounded, you saw yourself wounded as well. When you felt empathy for his “childhood wrought with abuse”, you had your own childhood in heart, as you thought about his. In that moment when you “saw the real him, lovely”, I think you saw you as well, lovely.

When we feel empathy for another person, we see ourselves in them. When your daughter started calling him daddy on the phone, you felt scared for her, afraid that she will be hurt. You felt that way because of your hurt, you were afraid she will be hurt like you were. “She’s too fragile and young”, just like you were, just like you still are underneath.

Your anger is about the abuse you experienced with your parents, different from the abuse your ex boyfriend experienced, but abuse nonetheless. You “couldn’t take one more heartbreak, one more ounce of pressure. One more disappointment” because you experienced heartbreaks, pressure and disappointments.

“his empathy struck me like a punch to the face” because it brought up your feelings of hurt from underneath the surface to the surface and it felt powerful.

I think it does take a capable counselor to provide the safe and calm environment where your feelings can come to the surface in smaller doses so they don’t overwhelm you like a “punch to the face”. Once that happens, over some time, the intensity of these feelings will weaken and you will be able to see clearly, no longer confused.

I hope to read more from you if and whenever it feels right for you to post here.

anita

September 21, 2018 at 6:49 pm #226633

Gigi
Participant

Hi Cat

Extremely sorry about what you are feeling – I empathize with you. I also have trouble keeping people close and act out. If I understand the scenario accurately, seems like what happened is he is just shocked. I believe that subconsciously we have some intentions that inspire us to consciously do something and that is what you did. First and foremost, I don’t think you should blame yourself for any of this, your life is very complex right now and he knew what he was being a part of. Second thing, yes you want to get back to him but also think about if that is the best thing for you right now? Snail mail a letter to him or something, keep your “tabs” so as to speak on him so that when the moment is right and you both are ready you can take this positive step. In the mean time, you need to heal within for your and your daughter’s sake. You need to get better so that you know what is it that you want and how you want to help everyone here.

You are a beautiful person and never forget that. We do things sometimes just because time pressurizes us. Time has kept you guys together for so many years, time will heal it too and I am sure everything will fall in place.

Gigi
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