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i hate my sister,how can i ignore her?

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  • November 11, 2014 at 1:46 pm #67702
    popi
    Participant

    im 21..my sister is 22,5 and always she was destroyer of my self confidence and life.
    all my life,she was calling me fat,and when i lost 21kg ,one year ago,she’s more jealous than ever.
    i hate her because she doesn’t leave me alone,everything i do,she says that I’m doing it wrong wrong wrong.
    for example,because im an enthusiastic person, when i find sth that i like for ex.yoga,or drawing,or walking on the streets alone with music,or eating some healthy food,or be calm without internet/social media,she attacks me verbally.
    she tells me for example “so what? you’re a loser as before” “so? everyone does that” “you didn’t make sth difficult,everyone can do this”
    NOTHING is important for her,I’m doing all for myself of course,but when I’m doing sth unusual just to make my life more enjoyable,she tells( without me asking) that i did it wrong,or this was not enough,everyone can do it etc.
    I’m sick of her.
    I’m in the last year of university,and so her,because she didnt make it in the first time so,we are in the same university academic year. When i gave exams i had better grades,and i think that she hates me about this,because i was always the child that everyone underestimated..for example my father ,before i pass the exams for the uni,was telling me that i will be in a school with worse students,and when i passed the exams with very great grades,he couldn’t believe it.
    so, yesterday,my sister came to my room ,and we had a conversation generally,and we came to this conversation for the first time,i was very mad and i said that she destroyed my childhood,and my self confidence, she was telling the same shit as always,we argued and she left.
    today,we argued again,and she was remembering all the things i told her yesterday night,so she annoyed me.
    i can’t stand her,i want to be without her,i hate her,and she always trying to talk to me badly,and generally talk to me.
    we have a brother too,and he’s the youngest.
    I’m in the middle,the sandwich child.
    with my brother we understand each other better,and he’s not jealous of me,but most of the time he is influenced by the sister,and i hate it because i think sometimes he hasn’t the ability to notice whenever i have truth/fair or the opposite.
    he’s sister’s copy.
    what can i do with the sister,i want to have my psychological calm,serenity.
    she upsets my life everyday,and when i don’t see her in the day,or when I’m not answering in her bullshits,i feel much better,but she’s driving me mad,so i can’t ignore her everytime when she underestimates me…
    she tells me that i have problem with any person and this is not true,because with some people i can speak,tell my thoughts and dreams and not feel shit.with her it’s always a marathon when it comes to personal discussion. i hate her because,this is the time im trying to build self cofidence,the confidence i nver had,and she cuts my wings everytime.
    it’s hard for me,because i difficulty solved the problems i had with the destroying relationship i had one year ago,and i almost recently got over this,i think,i dont want neither this problem now.
    im more positive than ever,i succeed so far,i want to change them all in my life,and resart,be the best version of myself
    any advice would be helpful,guys,thanks again!

    November 11, 2014 at 7:08 pm #67707
    Samuel C. C.
    Participant

    She seems to be trying to take out her problems out on you. If someone has nothing good to say just ignore them, it does not matter if it is your mom/dad or anyone in your family, you do what you have to do and you do what you have to do for yourself. Your sister does not understand that i am sure.. if you really want to help her just tell her that you forgive for anything she has done to you and move on. When something good happens in your life just be happy, don’t let her bring you down. Don’t tell her that you hate her, tell her (I hate the things you do and how you treat me but were family and l’ll still love you at the end of the day) So may say something like i hate everything you to always, but if you’re always nice to her she will have nothing to shoot back at you, when you are out of ammo you’re SOL.

    November 12, 2014 at 12:03 am #67719
    Janice
    Participant

    Hey popi, Sorry to hear that you’re in a tough situation with your sister. I think it’s important for you to understand that her comments and criticism aren’t about you. They’re about her. Like Samuel already says, it seems like she’s feeling insecure or unhappy and takes it out on you. Maybe you can have compassion for her about this. Understand that she’s behaving towards you in this way not because she wants to harm you but because she is suffering.
    Of course this doesn’t mean that you should just accept her behaviour. Live your life and ignore her negative remarks. Do I understand correctly that you live together? That makes it harder of course. But do you keep your distance from her at university? Like Samuel, I’d suggest you tell her that her behaviour is hurtful and that you don’t wish to talk to her if she speaks to you like this. But show her your love and maybe you will seem less threatening to her and she may stop being so mean.

    November 12, 2014 at 3:34 am #67720
    popi
    Participant

    hi guys,thanks for answering.


    @Samuel     C C …i can’t be good with her because she’s mean to me and i just want to ignore her,i want to ignore her completely,for dxample if she speaks to me i would love to not give any answer,because our conversation leads to noise, madness and anxiety. i want to be relaxed ,and if i can say that,all day,or,the most time of the day.
    it seems that we don’t match,i don’t want to hear her.


    @Janice     ..yes,we live at the same house,she’s downstairs most of the time fortunately,and i live upstairs.
    but we have same activities such gym,university,and same friends/family.
    i don’t want to give good feelings to her because of the bad feelings she makes me feel.
    i don’t think that she deserves good treat, i just want not to hear news from her. i dont care.
    i want people that love me and support me in my life and that shit wants me to be unhappy.
    i must stand in my own feet andignore her.i want to go on and improve my life my body my soul,but she’s ALREADY jealous of my whole process in my life. who wants your destroyment? your fucking family.okay,i cant leave the house,and i must be calm for my psychological problems(?)

    November 12, 2014 at 4:00 am #67721
    Inky
    Participant

    1. Ignore her. Literally. Pretend you have gone deaf. Then pretend that you have gone deaf and blind as she yells, ups the ante and makes weird gestures. Then, when it is quiet and calm, behold! Your hearing and sight have returned!

    2. Use the Broken Record Technique. It could be any line. Like, “It’s OK, I forgive you”. This is an alternative to Ignore.

    “That’s stupid!”
    “It’s OK, I forgive you.”
    “You’re stupid!”
    “It’s OK, I forgive you.”
    “IT’SOKIFORGIVEYOU!IT’SOKIFORGIVEYOU!!”
    “It’s OK, I forgive you.”

    3. Another technique is to say “You’re right” to every insult and “I don’t know” to every question. Eventually she will tire herself out because she have no kick back, no fight. (Obviously she’ll know “You’re right” is meant ironically).

    Basically you want her to tire herself out and soon learn it’s not worth it.

    And, moving would be a GREAT option!! As everyone gets older and sees each other less respect usually grows.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by Inky.
    November 12, 2014 at 10:43 am #67726
    DeepThinker
    Participant

    It sounds like your sister views you as her competition instead of her friend. It sounds like this has been going on for a while. I am curious to know what your parents think of this. I’m sure they would not be okay with her treating you this way, but at this point in your life you are an adult, and you have say over what a person can and cannot do to you.
    The first thing you need to do is to stop giving your sister so much power. Her behavior towards you should not reflect how you feel about yourself.

    I think you need to tell your sister that all the non-constructive criticism you receive from her is unacceptable, and you will not tolerate it from this point on. You should call her out as soon as she does it, because if you wait, she might pretend she does not remember insulting you. If she refuses to acknowledge her behavior towards you and does not apologize, start placing distance between you and her. When she comes around separate yourself, stop running in the same circle of friends. If your family and friends are wondering what’s going on, tell them it is not them you are avoiding, but say no more, because you do not want to involve others or stir up more mess.
    Do not think that because you are sisters that you owe her your attention and friendship. I had to come to the painful revelation recently that I cannot be friends with my sisters. You can still love her from afar and wish her the best, maybe in time she may mature and feel more positive about herself and mend your relationship, but the way things are now, I would not count on it.

    November 13, 2014 at 1:41 am #67758
    popi
    Participant

    @Inky ,thanks for your respond.
    This made me laugh for a few minutes,haha. These techniques used my cousin when we were kids and it was so annoying but we end up scoof at her.
    1) i think that technique helps you run away from nerves,but she will consider me as a child,who doesn’t want to hear. it’s tested.
    2) she critisizes mefor everything,so if i say the same always,she will say that I’m a weirdo or a retard.
    3) i think this is the best and its tested too. if i say *i dont know* she will say ,how you don’t know? are you kidding me ?
    and when i say *yes you’re right* she says shut up $%&#$% etc
    and this is the best way to avoid her bullshit commands or questions or will,but i cant do it anytime.
    if i don’t answer to a fight that she’s trying to create ,what could she say??

    November 13, 2014 at 2:05 am #67759
    popi
    Participant

    @DeepThinker ,thanks to you,too.
    Yes, because of her jealousy, I’m a competitor inside her mind. i must say that she has a problem with competition,she sees almost everyone as competitors,even if the 12year old cousin who says that her favourite colour is green and mauve,and my sister hates her about this and says that the cousin copied that from her.
    my parents always seeing me as the tame (?) middle child who hasn’t opinion,and i know where my sister is each time. when my father asks me where my sister is,i get upset and say how i supposed to know?? i hate them but i will live this house in a few years and this gives me hope. i dont want others to believe that im the weak person etc, i know that i give this chance to see me this way,but its not true,im kind not weak.
    she is the opposite.she’s rude and demands everything she wants and me and my brother always watching the programms on the tv that she wanted to see. okay,today we are not the same as then,but we don’t different much. we became ass holes from nessecity,because of hers behaviour we couldnt stand and we wanted to take power.
    my parents ignore the problem,and every problem between us,they never take
    art,they have other subjects to take care of.
    the good thing when i was a child ,was that i was always the calm child and everytime we fought she was the responsible.haha
    i don’t know,maybe she wants to take revenge. :p

    yes i agree with this,by giving her the signals that this ehaviour annoys me,maybe shewill take lessons,but i don’t want the good for her. i am the good and i dont thnk that,after all she has done,she deserves it,no.
    i must try to not give feedback to her anger,but not give good feelings to her. she must search them alone, because i learned them by nobody.:-)

    yes i must start taking distance and find my own friends,as i have done,she will critisize me even in this,because she tells me that i never succeed in friends,always picking some indifferent and fulfil their needs,….i hate her.

    November 13, 2014 at 4:32 am #67763
    Inky
    Participant

    This situation is intolerable. My kids were best friends especially as they got older. And shame on your parents for not putting their foot down. It is not out of the realm of possibility to move out of the house, into a dorm, into a shared apartment. Even if you have to have a part time job to pay rent, that is a lot better than being with this family of yours! Your sister will get more jealous but your parents will be proud. Just do it. Don’t say you can’t. Most young adults do. Don’t ask for help or permission. Just get out of there.

    November 14, 2014 at 2:44 am #67814
    popi
    Participant

    thank god that my sister didn’t talk to me the last two days,so I’m very relaxed.
    it seems that she understood how much pain she offered me all these years,by our conversation.
    I’m okay,but i haven’t tested the tips you suggested to me guys,because she didn’t talk to me and she didnt came to the gym in wednesday and friday ( today) because of her knee pain.

    i wanted to say sth more,because i want to be happier and relaxed,i wanted to get motivated by you guys in running,if someone can help me ,it would be anything for me!
    of course if you need help or advice i can help too,as i can.

    i hope with exercise i can be more and more positive and try to avoid useless things like arguing with my sister.

    November 14, 2014 at 2:47 am #67815
    popi
    Participant

    @Inky my budget doesn’t help me to move the house,but if i could i will do this.
    my parents never care,so I’m used to it.

    November 14, 2014 at 3:53 am #67817
    Janice
    Participant

    Hey popi, I know this must be very difficult for you but I think it can be very helpful for you if feel the common humanity that everybody, and also you and your sister, share. Life is hard and sometimes it brings about nasty behaviours in people. But that doesn’t make them inherently bad or undeserving of love. I think if you can realize that your sister deserves kind treatment and good things in her life, it will be easier for you to deal with her and with your own pain. Don’t take what she’s doing personal. Keep your distance, be assertive (and it seems this can be done by clarifying things and then ignoring her if she continues) and don’t hate her for being so lost.

    Anyway, I am glad to hear that she seems to have backed off for the past two days and I wish you that it stays like this. If not, I hope the tips everybody gave will be useful for you. And like you say, it’s also good to focus your energy on yourself, for instance on exercising if that’s what you love doing :).

    All the best.

    November 15, 2014 at 1:04 pm #67886
    popi
    Participant

    she makes me feel so useless that i refuse to be kind with her.
    she made me feel bad again,today.

    November 16, 2014 at 9:10 am #67911
    popi
    Participant

    Hello guys,
    today i combined 1) zenhabits by leo babauta reading, who is probably my saviour ,because everytime i feel bad this site makes me feel amazing. So i read the free book he has, the whole book,in my afternoon, then 2) i suggested to my mum to go for a walk,and we walked for an hour, 3) plus my sister haven’t meet me today ,i havent seen her a minute today,
    sooo my mood is awesome …i think that i will have sweet night,

    🙂

    November 30, 2014 at 11:28 am #68572
    popi
    Participant

    i have huge problems……
    and all that because of my low self confidence.

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