Dear K:

“maybe I’m not meant to be loved by anyone…I can’t find someone who wants to protect my heart and keep me safe.. I want someone who makes me feel special and beautiful and chosen… I have wanted to love and be loved more than anything in this world my whole life and I’m losing hope”.

Some of the men you dated didn’t love you, and some did, at least the one you dated back in June 2018, reads to me. You trusted him to “never cheat”  on you until you fell in love with him. When that happened you experienced “this constant paranoia that he is (cheating on you)”. Next,  your suspicion ruined the relationship. You wrote at the time, a year and a half ago: “as for other relationships it’s been the same thing. I would eventually ruin those relationships by breaking it off because I had a ‘feeing’ they were with someone else.. my father did cheat on my mother when I was a kid”

Back to your recent post of today:

“I can’t find someone who wants to protect my heart and keep me safe”- no man, however decent and loving, can protect you from what already happened in your life, and that is your father cheating on your mother for many years and you witnessing her pain over his cheating. No one can keep you safe from what already happened.

“I want someone who makes me feel special and beautiful and chosen”- no man can undo what your father already did, making your mother – and by proxy, making you- feel un-special and un-chosen and not beautiful.

We keep re-living our childhood experience when that experience was painful, until we process it and heal from it, as much as it is possible for us.

anita