Dear Rising Flower

Just because we love someone it does not mean that they are a good match & will enhance our happiness & that we should be with them.   In what ways do you love him? Is there trust, respect, compassion & support in this particular relationship?

Please reread the thread you have submitted as if it was someone else writing their story, what conclusions do you come to?

Roberta

correction:  Can you define the words/ terms I boldfaced above, as in giving your personal,  authentic, clear, simple-to-understand definitions of…

Dear Rising Flower:

I didn’t thoroughly read your original post yesterday, but I will read and summarize today (your exact words are boldfaced) before further commenting:

You shared yesterday that your spirit is broken and it took courage for you to post your story for fear of being harshly judged.  You shared that in your late 20s (ten years ago), you were a naive girl who never was into any kind of relationships. At that time you were arranged to marry a very nice guy who is very kind and caring (H).

Within less than 2 years of marriage, you fell for a family friend (L). If I understand correctly, L was married but separated at the time, but he didn’t share that piece of information. You fell in love, and being true to how you felt, you walked out of your marriage- against the expectations and norms of your parents, friends and greater community- and moved in with L. Facing stress from without (parents, friends) and within (fights over him wanting to have children with you and you wanting to get divorced first, as well as fights over L’s disapproval of who you were speaking with), you fell into deep depression and being that you and L had to vacate the house you were living in, you moved back to your parents’ home. After a short while, you moved back with L.

You felt lots of love from L, but you also felt his extreme anger issues during fights in which he blamed you for not honoring his requests. At one point (you and L were not living together), L started to look for another woman to marry because you didn’t agree to have a child with him (before getting a divorce from H).

Sometime during that time, you found out that L was older than he said he was, and that he was married!!!!! (a 2nd time, if I understand correctly). Almost 10 days  into L’s new marriage, he told you that this marriage was the biggest mistake he has done and he blamed you for not stopping him from getting married.

A short time later, you accidently met him, and you melt for him again!!!  At one point you got pregnant by him and miscarried. Currently, he says he wants to break that marriage but needs time. Currently, you love him still: Love for him never left me… still love him genuinely, I did always, you wrote.

“Now, why I’m unable to move away from him despite he mistreated me several times… Why I’m still waiting for him to turn up as he is genuinely taking time to break his marriage that he never wanted to be in. Deep down, I knew he is bad for me but unable to kill my love for him, please know that I’m ok to go away from him if he is fine in his marriage and I’m not obsessive for him, I find myself  melting my life at every stage for him and bearing and paying for the cost of his mistakes (if not blunders) in his life..“-

– seems to me that this man, L, represents to you (to your heart)- not a strong man who can help you- but a boy who needs you to help him. Seems to me (and of course, I may be wrong), that in your heart:  L is different from H and from other adults you’ve  known, controlled adults who follow social expectations and norms of behavior.

L is more like you, and you are like him: a free spirit, perhaps (someone who lives according to their own rules, someone unconventional), someone authentic (a person who is true to themselves and expresses their genuine thoughts and feelings), a maverick (someone who doesn’t conform to the usual way of doing things), someone unpretentious (someone who is sincere, without the need for pretense), someone naive, childlike.. like you are inwardly, if not outwardly..?

Sometimes the social pressure to conform, to obey social norms, kills that element within- the free-spirited child within- so much so, that a hunger is born, a hunger to reclaim that which was taken away (by traditional parents and society). Maybe you and L share this hunger (although  unfortunately, the two of you don’t cooperate well in the quest of satisfying this hunger)..?

anita

* I didn’t mean for the 2nd question to appear in bigger print..

Dear Rising Flower:

“I still can’t believe how you take time to reply to all of our threads… God bless you.“- .. I can’t believe the words (your words) that I am reading this Sunday morning, so preciously, uniquely kind: thank you, and may God bless you!

First, a summary of what you shared in the first 3 posts on this thread: in your late 20s, you were inexperienced in relationships and entered an arranged marriage with H. Next, you fell for L, a family friend. This new relationship led to you leaving your marriage. The relationship with L brought external and internal stress, leading to depression. Fights about having children and his disapproval of your interactions with others created further tension. L manipulated you emotionally, telling you many micro lies, as you put it.

Over the years, you matured and became more self-confident and independent, realizing that L was not suitable for you. Despite this realization, you still feel emotionally trapped and unable to move away from the man (L) who continues to mistreat you. You are well-educated, financially and emotionally strong, but struggle with your emotional dependence on L. You feel helpless in breaking free from L’s influence despite recognizing the psychological terms and undergoing extensive therapy. You describe being stuck in an emotional deadlock, unable to move away from L or bring him into your life due to his circumstances and actions.

Second part of this reply is my effort to understand better:

” In my late twenties… as a naïve girl who never was into any kind of relationships…  I never fell in love nor did I know much about the intimate things of a marriage like sex… hoping god will unite us if we were meant to be… back then I didn’t know what a real relationship meant or anything like that… It’s not even a matter of self-worth, I have several good men in my life who genuinely want to be in my life, I have earned well, look pretty… but why I’m unable to kill my love for L, and endlessly stuck in L’s loop… God bless you.“-

– You  acknowledge your lack of experience with relationships during your late twenties. Despite being an adult, you felt naïve and unprepared for romantic involvement, inexperience with love and intimacy. You held a hopeful and idealistic belief that if you and L were truly meant to be together, God would bring the two of you together.

You mentioned hoping that “God will unite us if we were meant to be“- this suggests a strong belief in divine will and destiny, which can reinforce the idea that your love for L is predestined and unchangeable.

Your statement: “I strongly believe love is love no matter what” indicates a commitment to unconditional love. I think that this belief makes it difficult for you to let go of L regardless of his behavior.

It is possible that your belief in God, Destiny, as well as your commitment to unconditional love are significant contributing factors to your emotional entanglement with L.

If the above is significantly true to your situation, reflecting on how your beliefs about love and divine will/ destiny influence your feelings and actions can provide clarity and empower you to make informed decisions.  Consider seeking guidance from a trusted spiritual advisor or counselor who can provide insight and support from a faith-based perspective, and help you navigate the intersection of spiritual beliefs and emotional well-being.

I am looking forward to reading from you again.

anita