I feel like my life is over

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This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 9 months ago by Josh.

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January 5, 2017 at 12:29 pm #124622

Elle
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It’s been a month since my entire life has been turned upside down. My beautiful gorgeous dog was being looked after by my partner while I was away. There was some people visiting and when they left early in the morning she slipped out of the house. We spent the whole day searching for her but we got a call that evening from the vet to say my dog had been found and she had been hit by a car, she died instantly. She was only 3, we found her as a stray running in the road and she was always trying to get out the door but I never in my wildest dreams thought this would happen. She was my shadow , I worked from home so she was with me all day everyday , she followed me to the bathroom , slept in my bed , sat beside me while I worked each day. I loved the bones of her and we were always so so careful.

This is killing me and I really don’t know how I will ever come to terms with it. I wish with everything I have that I was there at the time or that I took her with me while I was away. How could I let her down like that ? I just can’t forgive myself. I feel completely responsible for her death and looking back now it just seems to obvious that something like this could happen.

I’m so angry , I go over and over and over it trying to figure out how this could have happened. How could something as innocent as having visitors over result in the light of my life being taken from me?

I cannot comprehend the fact that I will never see her again. We will never walk together again, I will never give her the last of my salmon again, she will never sit on my pillow to wake me up again.

I got so much joy out of her, I loved the life we were able to give her, I loved that she was safe every night tucked up in bed and after all that I feel like I let her down in the worst way possible in the end. I just should have known. I didn’t calculate the risks properly. I just thought about myself because I needed to go away for work.

I always thought the world was a kind place , everything happens for a reason, LOA ect ect That is all shattered now. My best friend is gone and is never coming back.

I hate myself.

January 5, 2017 at 3:29 pm #124644

Anonymous
Guest

Dear elle198678:

How sad, a love story between you and your dog cut short. It is very common for dog owners to feel responsible for the death of their dog, because the dog is so innocent and dependent, like a small child. As well as unconditionally loving, like a young child.

You wrote that “she was always trying to get out the door”- it would have taken unfailing attentiveness every single time the door was opened, to prevent her getting out. Someone was to close her in a room or place a leash on her when the door was to be opened. Every time.

I wish you didn’t hate yourself. You lost your dog and your heart is broken. Be kind and gentle to yourself at this difficult time, please.

anita

January 6, 2017 at 9:52 pm #124742

Sara
Participant

I’m so sorry you lost your dog. It is really normal to find a million ways to blame yourself. I really get it. My dog, my bunny, and two of my horses all suddenly passed away this past year from events described by friends, family, and veterinarians as “freak accidents”. I feel cursed. The thing is with your dog, in order to love your dog and support her in a way that honored the very special individual she was, you had to let her be HER. Not going to work, going on lockdown every time the door opened, not having guests over… all of that would have created an atmosphere of panic, control, and hostility. That is not how you show love. I’m sorry loving her with all of your heart couldn’t go on forever. But hating yourself for not being her jail warden… it won’t bring her back and it would have destroyed the joy you shared.

I’ve had plenty of practice hating myself for not preventing the bizarre and tragic circumstances that led to my pets dying in four separate tragic incidents this year. Hours upon hours of “How did I not see this coming?” have delivered the same answer I will give you: The only way to have prevented these tragedies would have involved stifling their quality of life, never letting them be the beautiful animals they were created to be, and destroying their hearts.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. You can give the best care in the world, build a custom barn with every detail carefully attended to, buy the very best food, love them with everything you have… and you still lose everything. Please hold on to the best memories of her and honor the joy she gave you by making the world know it’s a better place because she was here.

January 7, 2017 at 6:14 am #124749

Inky
Participant

Hi Elle,

I’ve been there, many times, but only with cats.

The final straw was when our indoor cat, like your dog, slipped out the door when a visitor opened it. He was always, like your dog, desperate to go out. And we in the past, very occasionally, and only in amazing weather, would go out in the garden with him. Well, the one time he slipped out on his own, THE ONE TIME ~~ he got eaten by coywolves (a new hybrid of coyote and wolf whose populations are exploding in the suburbs). I knew it was them because I’ve had sightings, and … I found the tail while looking for him.

My family is bugging me to get a dog or another cat. I can’t. I won’t. I’m not going through that again. With every death it feels like it’s my fault. Nope. Not happening. No more animals. It’s cruel to keep them in. It’s cruel to let them out.

Take comfort that many pet owners ~ more than you know ~ are going through this.

Blessings,

Inky

January 12, 2017 at 1:03 pm #125124

Josh
Participant

elle, this is a really unfortunate situation to be in. i can see why you would feel responsible. i personally have never cried mroe than when i lost a pet. be kind to yourself <3
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