That’s hard; it sounds like she didn’t want to hurt you and so ‘forgot’ as a way of avoiding being honest with you and potentially having a difficult conversation. It’s hard to believe she didn’t have any feelings for you if she kissed you and you were in contact so often, but given that she seemed a little ambivalent at the time (was spending time with her ex, etc) and also going away to another country and having her own adventure, it’s not so strange to think that she was not thinking deeply about you and your relationship. Chris Rock did a bit about (excuse the vulgarity here) how women sometimes have male friends as an “emergency dick in a box” for when they’re lonely. This may be what you were to her.

As someone above pointed out, you were both using each other, which I believe is fairly normal in relationships. You asked her to make a decision and then you both moved on somewhat in your lives, and she made the decision, albeit in a pretty disrespectful way.

It would hurt me, too, if I was in your shoes and someone announced on FB that they were involved with someone else. That does show a lack of respect, and I would probably stop contacting her, as well, if I were you.

I don’t blame you for being hurt. I hope you can move on and heal and realize that you deserve someone who is as devoted to you as you obviously have the capacity to be to a partner. Ambivalence is painful. Consider this a lesson for the future.

Wishing you lots of healing!

Hi hotfuzz,

What struck me was that at one point you wrote, “…I wasn’t THAT into her” (after she visited her ex for a month) and… then you fell for her fast and hard.

As soon as she showed her own agency and power (to run off, have adventures, to pick and choose) you got emotionally attached.

You were like the “girl/feminine/passive force” in the relationship ~ where the “guy/masculine/active force” runs off and thus someone was left pining ~ you!

You weren’t upset because she didn’t communicate. Come on. You’re upset because she made major relationship decisions without you being a factor. But here’s the thing: You WEREN’T in a relationship, and TWO people have to say “yes” for one to exist. And here’s the other thing: No matter how much you love her, she has all the power in the world with one word, as flippant as it may be: “No”. That’s what’s driving you nuts.

It’s all about control. Otherwise you wouldn’t be all, “Why him and not me?” She doesn’t have to justify her decisions to you from a place of “No”. You cannot change her mind to get her from a “No” to a “Yes”. And even if you could, we don’t have the Playbook for her mind.

This is what I tell my daughter, and, yes, my sons: Only sleep with someone AFTER you’re in a committed relationship. It is so easy to get hurt, or to hurt the other person. Sex is NOT casual. There’s too much bio-chemical stuff going on. At some point you get attached. Usually it’s the girl, but guys do to!! That’s the way it’s meant to be. Mother Nature uses sex as a glue to help keep couples together.

Sorry so tough!!

Inky

The similar type of incident I have had recently and I donno how I am going to overcome. This case the guy whom I met last year told that he will marry me always acted like my husband. I too felt like I have found my soul mate. He is from India. and I am from neighboring country to them. And I came to Melbourne for my studies when I first met him. I clearly stated him begining that I not in age of play around looking for a serious relationship. This guy also told he is also need to settle down and he doesn’t like his parent’s proposals. I never being with a guy before (physically) as I was raised in a culture with strict rules. But he was so mad in love with me and then after 2 months when I told him that better we tell our parents he started change. I realized he has lied to me and just pretended. In my gut feeling said this guy is cheating, but I didn’t want to believe it cos this was the first time I being with a guy for so long and I always wanted to marry him. Then I found that he doesn’t care me and went partying , casino’s to hurt me. may be I felt like he wants to get out of me. My friends also told me normally guys will marry somebody from their culture and hardly get married to someone from another culture. But if he knew this why he started it all? gave me such promises ? I found somethings he told me is all lies..I was mentally so down. Then I found his msges with another girl and I really got pissed that time and slapped him. and we had sort of break up, several times he tried to called me but I refused as I knew he would lie me again.I can’t believe how much of promises /hopes he has given to me. I came to Melbourne to fulfill my higher studies and I was very active in community services. But after this incident I am morally so down. And Last month he had published that he got married to another girl same culture all of sudden. I really don’t know how fast people change. though I didn’t speak with him I had a feeling that he might return and we could start but I was wrong. Now I am almost devastated. It is the most painful thing that realize that you being used by somebody. The person must be now happily married after causing lot of pain. Don’t even bothered to care whom he was with last year and given marriage promises. For them it is a game playing with other’s lives. But its whom the sensitive people suffer for life time what caused by them…