Dear Bill,

I can understand how this must feel, I guess it happens to most of us, especially if we feel vulnerable or carry some kind of resentment… It feels like “I’m trying really hard but no one notices, and I am being treated rude in return!”
However, the way you describe it it sounds as if the people on the bus really just did not hear you! Very probably they did not mean to be rude, but just did not get you wanted out and then felt you were being the one who just expects them to step aside and recognise what you want…
It is a misunderstanding, nothing more! Nobody is “good” or “bad” all the time. But in times when other things bother us, it can feel as if everyone is against us and the world is a hostile place…

I would suggest you leave others out of this at first (people are people) and try to figure out
1. Why it is so important to you to be seen as a “good” person – maybe it is ok not to be perfect sometimes, or to forget holding open the door… Have a second look at the options you have for reacting – right now you just see black and white: feel really ashamed or turn around and say “f*** you” and laugh in peoples faces and don’t care at all. I’m pretty sure there is something in between like “*shrug* Sorry, no offense intended”.
2. What makes you so frustrated? Is it really the behaviour of a few people or is it something else? Have you faced a lot of rejection recently or maybe even your whole life? It seems to make you angry, and it is an understandable reaction, but it is something you need to figure out for yourself, because it will influence how you interpret peoples actions…
3. Why you have so high epxectations towards the interaction with other people? Maybe because your expectations towards yourself are very high, you also think other people should be the same and think and act the same – but they don’t! They all just try their best, and except from a few aholes they rarely mean to make others miserable…

I wish you good luck and I hope you can find a more positive perspective on things!

Shame is a tough one, and it hurts like hell. I don’t think you really want to give up on being a good person though. I don’t see how it would reduce your shame in any case.

I agree with Kath, in both of these examples “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there/you didn’t seem to hear me,” is a possible response. The people in your examples were grumpy/rude, but the pain you feel at being “publicly shamed” doesn’t come from them. It comes from something in you. When somebody gives you shit, you don’t have to take it. It’s their shit.

Rather than planning your transformation into a callous, uncaring supervillain, consider what it is in you that needs other people to always be polite and considerate to you, or that needs to be recognised for the hard effort you put into being a “good person”. Shame is the downside of pride. If you’re collapsing under the weight of your shame, look at the size of your pride.

I recognise this is probably not the solution you were looking for. On the upside, if the source of your pain is within you, there’s something you can do about it. If the source is everybody else, you’re stuffed. They’re not gonna change.

I hope my contribution is of some use. The other two responses are also good, and may be more to your liking. In any event, I hope your pain and shame will subside over time, and that you will truly feel the benefits of your kindness every day.

All good things to you.

Thanks for that word, Inky! For some reason there is no real german equivalent to “assertiveness” – those that are translate to something close to “presumption” 😀
The closest you can get is something like “self confidence”, but this just opened up a whole new aspect 🙂

Dear Bill:
It has been a while since your post. I hope my response is still relevant to you. I believe that I feel some of your pain, that of being shamed and being discouraged. I often felt that.

People often enough feel that I am rude while i do not intend to be rude and am simply not paying attention. I may jump in line in a store not noticing other people are standing in line. Or I may speak to a person not noticing that person is listening to another person talking to them, etc. I can’t blame the others thinking i am rude and not knowing i was not paying attention.

I hope you can be a good person without paying dues to unearned shame.
Take care:
anita