Dear kim:

Reads like family therapy is what is needed- you and your sons sitting with a good family therapist who will make honest communication possible between the three of you possible. I am guessing that it doesn’t seem possible in your mind, to have that happen?

If not, individual therapy with a good therapist for yourself will help.

Otherwise, maybe it will help if you share more about your marriage (are you still living with your sons’ father?), and anything else that is relevant to your current distress. If you share more, I will be able to attentively read and reply to you tomorrow morning, in about 11 hours from now.

anita

Dear kim,

I am sorry you’re now realizing your sons might not respect you as much as you hoped they would. Perhaps you’re thinking something like: I sacrificed myself for them, stayed in an emotionally abusive marriage for years, and “kept peace”, and this is their thank you??

Unfortunately, when you tried to “keep peace”, you probably didn’t respect yourself enough, you allowed yourself to be put down, you endured emotional abuse rather than standing up for yourself – and your sons noticed it. Your sons saw their mother not respecting herself, and they started to treat her like that too. On top of that, their father spoke badly about you behind your back, and they absorbed that too.

You thought that by keeping your mouth shut and enduring, you’ll protect them. But in fact, you gave them a bad example of how to treat a woman, and they carried that forward into their relationships.

What you’d need to do is start respecting yourself. You need to heal those emotional wounds inflicted upon you (which maybe go back to your childhood, where you learned that a woman should sacrifice herself for the sake of the family?), learn to love and respect yourself and stand up for yourself. I believe that only then will you see their attitude change.