Hi anita,

It’s almost the next January. A year.

Today I finished reading The Stranger (by Albert Camus). It will be midnight in about half an hour, and something, on this night, took me back to this thread. I feel alone.

To catch up on some things: Firstly, I’m truly sorry for the loss of Hunter. I hope your neighbors and you are coping well. I can understand that if someone so close and dear is removed from your daily life, it feels like a terrible loss. It sucks. Best wishes to you and all your loved ones. Sending loads of hugs!

Second: I did manage to find two therapists over the course of summer holidays this year. The first one kept ghosting me before sessions so it couldn’t work out at all. The next one, whom I had around 5 or 6 sessions with, also didn’t work out. I was feeling  constantly judged and she was not the best listener (for me). It was hard to open up or be comfortable with her. Right now I’m not actively looking for a therapist but might do during holidays.

As I mentioned I happened to come back to this thread tonight (much shamefully and selfishly, must I say?) for the reason I created this thread. I was spiraling into this “chronic isolation” of mine. It’s harder to shake off than other days. I have people on my phone who want to talk to me everyday and tell me stories to keep me distracted. I also have assignments from university that can keep me busy for long. I can go to movies or anywhere. But it all just doesn’t work out. And often I find myself lonesome and desolated. Maybe all those people who want to talk to me don’t understand me and I can’t explain them about myself. Maybe it’s too much. So I journal or read or just sit paralyzed in fear and anxiousness, some days. Like today.

Well thank goodness I have a thread on a website out of billion others where I can write and feel understood. There’s also a cup of finished tea on my table, which my roommate made for me as I was craving my traditional tea today.

How’re you anita? How was your day? or how has it been going so far?

-java

Hi Anita,

I’m truly sorry that I’ve gotten worse at replying. I will be more active at replying and not leave your replies hanging in thin air. I’m sorry again. Also I want you to know that I’m grateful for and cherish all the time you put on my threads and on many any other threads here. You are an awesome human being with an awesome heart and brain.

Now back to the thread: Thanks a lot. It was also great hearing from you again!

I really liked your analysis on the book. I agree, our mothers’ actions and various other events that happened in our childhoods, as you mentioned, definitely threw us into this void. It’s hard to explain but yes, it does feel like floating in the abyss and trying to stay afloat every so often.

I went through a breakup a week or two later I posted here. It was right before my finals, so even if I was sad, I remained distracted because of the deadlines. However, since past week our break started, it has taken a toll on me. I don’t have any emotional capacity to do the simplest tasks. Cooking myself anything, taking a shower, doing laundry, drawing or reading a book… Everything seems like a painful chore.

If I’m being honest I’ve felt this way since 2019 (when my brother attempted suicide). But it came in bouts. Everything has been a chore, another merely task to get rid of, since that time. It’d get worse some days or weeks but this time I feel extremely desolated. You know, anita, I acknowledge that I was in a toxic environment back then. But because we were all miserable I didn’t feel the kind of desolation I feel now. My friends- the ones here and the ones back in my home country- are usually busy. Most of them here are working a lot and thus cancelling plans or have been unable to make any to begin with. And the ones back home are also busy with university stuff all the time (they’re all studying medicine). My roommate who I’ve been very close with since past year, is working a lot these days, and when she’s not working she’s either hanging out with her friends, going out or talking on the phone with her crush. We used to hang out a lot, but now she’s all occupied and cancels on anything I suggest that we can do.

The point I’m trying to make is: envy. I’ve never felt this way when I was at home. I’ve never had a single urge to go out and hangout with my friends outside of school. I’ve never even felt miserable about this isolation in the way I do now. Now it comes with envy. Because others around me have it perhaps better than what I do and now it stings. Because I went through a breakup recently, it’s unbearable to listen to my roommate call her crush every night and giggle and smile. I feel extremely deserted.

And now I feel like I have none left of the two worlds- the one I had back there, and the one that I have here. I understand that thinking miserable will only make me more miserable but it’s hard to think that all that’s happened until today has any reason to keep fighting. I can’t think of anything worth fighting for.

I’m sorry for such a gloomy post. I wish I could write a nice update, maybe that’s why I was waiting to reply for a while.

How was the weather today? Do you still go on your daily runs?

-Java

Hi anita, Sure! Have a good night

Dear anita,

The weather has been the same here as well. I hope you had a nice walk; do you enjoy it as much as running?

I love your response, anita. The sweetness-bitterness thing matches up perfectly.

Although, on the back of my mind the meaninglessness of running after sweetness or running from bitterness is still festering. I also believe I can tilt my perspective slightly to adjust that this all doesn’t need to be a painful chase. I can’t be putting such a precise effort into chasing after sweet and running away from bitter. All I need to do is stay in this new world right now.

Even though there’s no script or manual; Am I thinking right?

-java

Hi Anita,

I hope you’re feeling recovered from the vaccine shots and your arm is better too.

Yes I understand, I hope today’s walk was a nice, special one.

It’s been 3 days or so since I wrote this and yet I’ve been running painfully fast from someone in life during this time. As I mentioned earlier: I have a roommate whom I’m very close with. Recently she’s been talking with her crush (or boyfriend, I’m not sure because we haven’t catched up in a while and we speak different languages so I can’t tell much from the calls) every night in the room. And the calls are pretty long. Embarrasingly enough, those calls put me off. A lot.

We used to hang out very often. Eat meals together. Go out. And even cuddle in bed when we were tired. Since my breakup, she started getting busier with work. The last two times when we hung out in the mid of january, I told her about my breakup. And she somehow seemed relieved, was making jokes here and there of how I’m getting a “breakup glow” on my face and was mentioning how I was doing breakup cleanings in the room. Instead of asking me how I’m really feeling, she kept smiling. I might’ve misjudged her intent or she might be happy or relaxed about other stuff. During that time she was doing great at work, her grades came out really nice and her crush had also started texting and calling very frequently. So it might’ve been difficult for her to empathize with me. And since the begining, deep down I knew she was trying her best to root for my relationship but deep down she was not happy. She went through a breakup in last May with her boyfriend of 2 or 3 years. When she came back from summer holidays she mentioned a few times that she was not over her ex. And that it was hard to not think about him. So when I got into a relationship in November, she cheered on me but once we also had this sort of conversation in a park, when we spotted two people holding hands:
“Java are you in love?”
“Well definitely, more than one kinds. Platonic, romantic, self-love kind, and more… In love with lots of people right now”
“No I mean romantic. Are you romantically in love?”
“Yeah. with my girlfriend for sure”
“Ugh you’re in romantic love. fuck you”

I never tried to bring up my relationship a lot, didn’t talk much in the room on call with my girlfriend, in order to not make her feel alone or to not remind her of anyone.

So back to after-my-breakup-period: she got busier with work and calls. So if she was not working, she was on the phone. And vice versa.

I’m embarassed to admit that the nighttime seems like a nightmare in my room. She gets back home at night and then the call begins. And so I can’t even make a single conversation. I go out of room, sit outside for the longest hours, tiring myself out and come back once it’s very late and I’m about to pass out.

It’s so hard to not feel desolated. I feel like blasting my ears off with music whenever the call comes on. Once again, I’m dreading my own safe place. Once again I’m not at home.

During this time, whenever i’ve tried making any plans, she’s put them off by saying she was busy. And yet she also complained twice that I come back to sleep at unreasonable hours, that I’m not in my room so often that I’m acting like a runaway.

It’s getting so hard to share the room with a person I was so close and comfortable with. And because of a reason that is so humiliating and embarassing.

Any suggestions?

-Java